When they're not actually brothers!

[3isthemagicnumbersoimtold]

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

Is your SIL foreign? Where I'm from
we call first cousins "brothers/ sisters through Aunt" - bracia cioteczni/ siostry cioteczne.

yes, its common in cultures worldwide.

Hear, hear, Rhubarb. It's a nine year old

A nine year old who's obviously deemed a great threat to the Op's nuclear family

Anyone with an ounce of sense would say to the children oh thats lovely, your cousin obviously wants to have other people in his life to have a special bond with.

This thread is bonkers.

I was agreeing with you...

Hardly a threat but I've told my DS to be kind and still SIL pursues it.

*rhubarb did you read the thread? 🙄

I told DS what nephew meant, to be kind etc but I don't think DS perhaps thinks of him that way and i can't force him to!

She's pursuing it because you hadn't the grace to be kind.

When was I not kind? I told DS to be kind, mindful of his cousin's feelings and that he obviously feels very close to them.

Is that not enough?

Yes, one was a 9 year old, who considers his cousins as brothers, not having a real reference of what a brother is and under his mother's influence.
The other was a 10 year old, for whom the cousin is not as close as his brothers, which is perfectly normal.
The 9 year old got upset with the 10 year old. Stop the press.
The OP tried to explain it to the 10 year old.
Her SIL acted as if she can decide what a 10 year old should feel, particularly without having prepared said 10 year old on how to respond to the 9 year old.

It's not the OP that isn't kind.

I was very close to my cousins growing up. They stayed very near and we spent almost all our time together. My auntie used to joke that i was her 3rd daughter (with her actual 3rd child who was younger than me being the 4th!) But it was never seriously treated like we were anything other than close cousins. And I dont understand why it would or should be. They were sisters. I was not an actual sibling.

Your sil is insane. You should tell her to make sure your dnephew doesnt upset your son again by telling him lies.

I'm not even sure why he'd tell him that they're brothers. It's bonkers to me. It's lovely they're so close and we take DN out with us on family outings and he stays overnight with us. He is close to my DS in age and also I think my twins are a bit inseparable (double trouble) which perhaps leaves DS a bit left out despite being close to them. However, if DS doesn't want to keep up a pretence of brothers then I can't force him

A nine year old who's obviously deemed a great threat to the Op's nuclear family

What?

However, if DS doesn't want to keep up a pretence of brothers then I can't force him

And lets face it there would have been no mileage in your ridiculous thread either if you had.

On the plus side I've learnt/remembered some biology from this thread

@Rhubarbginisnotasin you're the one being ridiculous. What on earth has OP said to warrant such a tirade? You're another one who is plainly projecting.

I'm wondering if DN does really feel very close to his cousins or if he feels as close as the average cousin does but because he has been told by his Mum that his cousins are the same as his brothers he thinks that is how brothers feel?

And now I've confused myself a bit.

Tbh adults shouldn't go around telling kids (or anyone for that matter!) how they feel. No one can know that except the individual themselves.

rhubarb why the anger from you?

Tbh adults shouldn't go around telling kids (or anyone for that matter!) how they feel

This!

Eh?
What on earth has happened here?

I thought the conversation about genetics was fascinating. Of course genes have nothing to do with how close people can feel (as has been repeatedly acknowledged on this thread), but factually the OP's son is right: the 2 children in question are not brothers, even if they may feel as such.

Calm down, dears!

red

Exactly! All I think you can do is tell them to be kind and considerate which is what I've done with DS. But beyond that I'm not getting involved. I've not texted SIL back. I don't think there's much point in having an exchange with her. I don't even think it would be worthwhile asking my DH to speak with his brother.

Yanbu I was extremely close to my cousin ( the brother I never had) but he was my cousin not my brother and no-one ever tried to make out differently.

You've done nothing wrong, your DS did nothing wrong but your sil is in the wrong

Yes, I think engaging as little as possible is the best way forward. And allow the children to sort it out amongst themselves while reminding your DS to be kind and consider his cousin's feelings.

At the end of the day the nephew had to be told that his cousins are just that. Cousins. They are not brothers.
A part of the curriculum includes families. Now imagine the ridicule the nephew would have got from peers?
Yes I have 3 brothers. They live with op and Dave. I live my mum and Frank. Frank and Dave are brothers.
The peers would have called him out and they would have been more brutal about it. Which could lead to bullying.

Although would love to be in the staff room after that lesson

I come from a culture where cousins=siblings. But even then they're just kids. What was the harm in telling them yes you guys are all brothers and leaving it at that? Breaking a 9 yo's heart just seems pointlessly cruel.

Gosh nonames there would be all kinds of wife/husband swop theories flying about!

Hang on a minute! OP is there something you aren't telling us?!