When they're not actually brothers!

[3isthemagicnumbersoimtold]

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

It's my DH's brother so I'm stepping out of the circus.

If DS doesn't want to be referred to as his brother then I'm not going to force him. Out of all this I've realised how astute he is. Since his brothers were born he's been perfectly happy to play big brother but obviously realises that the twins share a bond that he'll never be a part of yet he's very close to them. to me it's the same situation with DN and my boys

If she does not want her son upset again, then she either needs to be present at all meetings between the children, or she needs to stop allowing her son to see your DC. Either way, it is ruining things for HER son and (to a lesser extent) your DC.

She is deranged.

She replied with "well don't let DS upset him like that again"

FFS you can't stop your DS from telling the truth - what does she expect you to do? What a rude woman she is. I would let your DH deal with her in future.

She sounds very unpleasant and you really shouldn't have to pander to this nonsense she's been telling her son!!

Stick up for your son as it seems that she's going to use him as the scapegoat for never giving her own son a sibling.

It is of course fine to choose to have an only child. She can of course tell him he is lucky to have cousins with whom he is close. And, in some families, cousins may choose to refer to each other as siblings. For example, I never had a sister, but was always very close to my cousin. Now as grown ups we call each other a mixture of "cousin" and "sister". But the difference is that was our decision!! To try and impose that kind of relationship on children is just mad, and runs the risk of spoiling the close COUSIN bond they already have.

As pp have said , your son sounds very astute in that he knows even twin brothers & brothers are different.

I don't know, maybe leave your sil to cool off but I think it would be worth pointing out to her when she's calmed down a bit that all the boys are great as they are and that children should be left to develop their own bonds. Shouting "brothers!!" at them is just confusing & annoying and that you will not stand your own son coming under fire for just pointing out what is a fact!

You OH should tell her not to put such ideas in his head, rather.

I have a single child and would never dream of telling him he's as close to his cousins as the siblings are to each other.

He should understand the difference between blood relations and friendships.
He could indeed become closer to one or more cousins than they are to their siblings, but the blood bond is still not as close.

Hmm. Is it your husband's brother's son? He might be considered your sons' cousin-brother (as close as a brother).

Are you the sister in law user1496?

Sounds to me like you want her child to suffer for being an only child. Otherwise you wouldn't keep repeating how they chose not to have another child. You sound nasty.

Are we reading the same thread?! The OP hasn't been nasty once - what she is saying is factually correct and she's been at pains to help her DS understand that whilst he was telling the truth, it's helpful also to consider the feelings of his cousin. Where on earth has she been nasty?!

@user1496484020 you sound nearly as unusual as the SIL? Do you think maybe you're projecting?

I'd tell her that as long as her son doesn't upset my son by insisting they are 'as close as brothers' then my son won't upset her son by correcting him.

The problem is that her son feels as close to your children as siblings because he doesn't have anything to compare it with.

TBH, I'm much closer to one of my cousins than I am to my sister, although my sis and I are closer in age. There is nothing wrong with my relationship with my sister, we're very close. We just see life differently from each other and my cousin and I are much more similar in the way we see and handle things. The same may be true for your DS and his cousin at some point.

User your nuts op is not nasty!

Why should ops ds be forced to accept a false sibling relationship with a cousin just because batshit sil can't deal with the consequences of her choices?
Are you the sil?

Hmm. Is it your husband's brother's son? He might be considered your sons' cousin-brother (as close as a brother).

His what?

Am I the only one who thinks the boy means "close" as in play together, get on well rather than genetically?

bold fail above - first para is a quote!

You sound nasty.

No, User-bunch-of-numbers, you sound nasty.

Your SIL sounds nuts. Of course brothers are closer to each other than to their cousin especially when they're children.

Not sure why it's OPs responsibility to explain that, her son clearly gets it and if her nephew doesn't then maybe he own mother should explain that?!

And user1496 I completely disagree with you. People shouldn't have to constantly tiptoe around facts like 'you are not brothers but that doesn't mean you're not close' FGS.

User has clearly been smoking the same shit as Sil

God forbid someone goes against the grain. The op has mentioned twice that they chose not to have another child. I'd be willing to wager my membership of this site to bet that the OP has at some point been made to feel silly for having more than one and this is her payback.
We all read different things I guess.

I think I'd reply - 'What DS said was factual. I'm not quite sure why your DS was so upset by it, maybe you need to address the fact with him that it's fairly obvious that my sons will have a closer bond together, as they see each other daily, than they will with your son who they see once a fortnight. That's not to say they don't value their relationship with your son, of course they do. But it's not the same. If you have anything else to say, please contact DH as I have said all I have to say'.

I think she's mentioned it because it's highly relevant in this situation user

And you weren't just ' going against the grain ' you were nasty.

Good for you to step away. I think I'd have blown up at her last text and started a family war 😳

I'd be willing to wager my membership of this site to bet that the OP has at some point been made to feel silly for having more than one and this is her payback.

Excellent so when you're proved to be delusional wrong, you'll bog off and stop posting nonsense?