Overweight colleague - how should I intervene more?

[chompychompychompchomp]

I work closely with someone who in very overweight. She's a lovely colleague to have, works well and is friendly but is very unhappy at being so overweight. She's constantly trying out new diets to help her loose weight and has my full support. However, she has some ingrained misconceptions about food and drink which are inhibiting her ability to eat and drink more healthily.

For example, she raves about drinks like Oasis saying how drinking them is just like drinking water despite me showing her the ingredients and bringing her attention to how much sugar there is. I've explained that excess sugar will not help her to loose weight but she says it's nonsense.

She'll snack throughout the day on nuts saying that constant eating is helping to keep her metabolism up thinking that if she's not eating, her body's not metabolising food.

For lunch, she'll eat a salad laden with mayo and cheese saying that it's healthy as it's just eggs and dairy, ie.natural food.

We went out for a Chinese lunch last week as a team and she ate huge amounts as well as other people's leftovers. Other colleagues are getting fed up with her saying how she doesn't understand why she's so overweight and she doesn't listen to anyone's advice.

It's been left me (decided by team), as I get on best with her, to ask her to either stop talking about her weight or to eat more healthily. I'm not sure what to say to her without offending her. Help!

You can try and try and try and try - but you won't make any impact. She has to want to stop from within, you can't give her that motivation externally. Leopards don't change their spots.

Find a new hobby!

Why are so many people having a go at the OP? She's been put in a shitty position by the company and wants to find a way to spare her colleague's feelings as much as possible. Pretty commendable I'd say.
OP - no matter how you word your 'talk' with your colleague the result would be exactly the same as if a less sensitive person has a word. She'd still feel humiliated and embarrassed.
Stay out of it as much as you can. Make a few sympathetic noises when appropriate, change the subject whenever possible and be ready to offer her a shoulder to cry on when someone else decides they can't keep their mouth shut any more.

If you want to be fired for bullying at work- go right ahead. Because if she makes a complaint, I bet your manager and HR will vanish like snow in the sun....

You haven't said what type of job you do so not sure if there'll be an HR department but I'd have thought that rather than singling her out for diet conversations, it's up to HR to perhaps introduce a 'less chatting during office hours' policy.....so that it's inclusive of everybody, rather than just your colleague.

I totally get that it's annoying but I think that discussing it at length as a group and nominating someone to talk to her about something that is not in the work arena is edging towards bullying behaviour.

You all need to let it go. Just nod and smile and never speak to her about food if you can help it so she gets less chances to be annoying.

Yeah, OP, you're being set up as the scapegoat here. Don't let them do it. It's nice of you to want to spare Colleague the bitchy version of the talk by doing it yourself, but you'll risk getting into shit if you do. Your manager is horrendously unprofessional, don't let him push you into being the same.

Sounds like the office gossips have pushed this into a we-need-to-make-Colleague-lose-weight situation when actually it's purely a Colleague-needs-to-stop-banging-on-about-her-diet situation. Everyone there needs to forget the idea that they play any role in helping to manage her weight. The problem is her wittering non-stop about food, not her being fat. If your manager had a spine he might do something like take her aside and ask her to tone it down a bit because some people (maybe those recovering from EDs, for example) find constant diet talk quite difficult to handle. He wouldn't bitch about her behind her back with the rest of the team. They sound dreadful.

In your shoes, since you're not her manager, I would just try not to engage on the topic. She's used to this being a conversation starter, so it's probably become part of her automatic small-talk patter. Don't show interest, change the subject. And be a shoulder to cry on if one of the others does upset her.

Tbh I think the biggest problem you have there is your manager.
He is the one setting the tone, obvioulsy thinking he KNOWS what a healthy diet (cue he doesn't, even professionals have very varied ideas on what constitue a good diet) and so it's OK to be judgemental.

The fact you are saying he wont be tactful also says a lot about him. I'm sure that when he wants he CAN be tactful. It's just so happen that because we are talking about a woman and being overweight, he can't be bothered.

If people are fed up of hearing her talk about her diet, BECAUSE that's the only thing she talks about rather than becausebtgey know best, then that's an easier issue to tackle. Just do the same than for anyone who keeps on talking about train spotting that no one cares about.
If the issue is that they feel superior and in the right for judging her (see if she changes her diet then she can carry On talking about it message...), then they are absolutely not on.

Leave her alone and you all stop talking about her

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time here. She has said clearly she does not want to speak to her colleague about this but has been told to by her boss and HR.

OP i think you have to be clear with your boss and HR that you are not willing to speak to this woman. Let them talk to her and be insensitive. You can be there to support her if she becomes upset.

Don't say anything, it won't go well, trust me. If you all genuinely want to help her why not go walking or swimming with her, or invite her for a healthy home cooked meal. Something practical that can inspire, be an example to her. But don't say anything..it will end badly.

OP are you sure it's not actually that your work colleagues don't like you very much and are trying to get you on disciplinary/sacked for bullying your friend about her weight?

Like they are giving you the bullets and getting you to fire them to watch the impending fireworks?

I would stay well out of it! And probably watch my back if the type of people you work with are how I imagine them to be by your posts.

Contact ACAS and ask them how to deal with this.
The Acas helpline number is 0300 123 1100. It is available Monday 8am-8pm, Tuesday 8am-6pm, Wednesday to Thursday 8am-8pm, Friday 8am-6pm and Saturday 9am-1pm.

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=2042

Say nothing and don't get involved.

I have struggled with my weight for all of my adult life. It has no effect at all on my ability to do my job though. I hate intervention interference from other people. All it does is prove that they are sitting in judgement.

Tell your manager and HR that you are not willing to be their mouthpiece. If they have a problem with this poor lady then they will have to tackle it themselves.

She will need a friend in the office if and when they start saying anything to her and bitching to her face.

OP, perhaps next time she talks about her diets you could suggest that she contact a registered nutritionist, saying that you've heard they can put together personalised diet plans for people. If she then decides to see someone they'd hopefully be able to start unravelling her eating issues or at least be someone she'd take notice of regarding the nutritional content of her Oasis drinks! Otherwise just smile and nod.

Perhaps the colleague is comfort eating throughout the work day, having to work in a hive of harpies sounds v depressing.

Whenever she brings it up just sigh audibly and tell her to change the record as you're not bothered.

OP, you've mentioned in your posts that you and your colleague are fairly good friends.

I wonder, then, if a good strategy is to completely avoid engaging with your colleague about the situation discussed in this thread (as previous posters have suggested) and instead simply to be there and available to support and gently advise her if/when she needs or asks you to do so.

Definitely do what DJ advises.

Sorry didn't get that this was an instruction from on high to do this. Contact ACAS as DJBaggysmalls suggested. This shouldn't be your problem to sort out. You are being bullied as much as she is (and you really don't want to do it). Good luck.

My niece is overweight as is her husband. They both earn six figures, and are excellent in their posts.

I used to live in a flatshare. I was and am very overweight. My darling roommates decided I should go on a diet. They told me what I should eat, bitched at me for eating quite normal things, and sat glaring if ate anything they felt I shouldn't have. They projected their thoughts on to me. One of them even once said 'You say you want to lose weight but you eat stuff like that.' I replied 'No. I haven't said I want to lose weight. YOU have all decided I should lose weight. Now you're complaining about what I eat.' At the time, I didn't recognise it was what it was: bullying. I thought these people were my friends. In hindsight I can see they were the opposite, but my self-esteem was too low for me to call them out.

I wouldn't hesitate now, though. Tell your colleagues to do their own bullying and when they upset the dieter, be there to provide support and a shoulder to cry on. At that point a little bit of well-intentioned advice might get through. Bullying is more likely to make her comfort eat.

A final thing: do the bullies really care about this woman? I doubt it. They probably pick on her in other ways too, but this is something they can get away with.

When I got here someone else took it upon themselves to have a word with my colleague. She's not mentioned it, I've not yet spoken with her about it and she seems OK. She leaves at 5 so I probably won't get to speak with her today. So that solves that problem - I am not expected to speak with her and I would've refused to anyway.

For lunch, she'll eat a salad laden with mayo and cheese saying that it's healthy as it's just eggs and dairy, ie.natural food.

WTF she is right there is nothing wrong with cheese, salad or mayo if it is within her calorie goal. Cheese is a great food. Nuts are also a great snack.

Look cal in/cal out is what is important, get her to get a fitbit it will work out her TDEE once she has that use mfp to log food and maintain the calorie deficit needed to lose 1KG a week.

Florette - Mixed (Salad Bag Mixed Leaves), 1 container (126 gs ea.) - 36 4 3 0 0 2
Cheese Mild Cheddar - Grated, 30 g - 120 1 0 10 10 0
Helman's - Mayo, 2 tbsp 180 - 0 0 0 20 0
Kirkland Signature - Mixed Nuts, 25 gram - 150 5 2 4 14 1

So lunch was a good 336 calories with only 4 grams carbs and 10 grams of protein that is pretty good on keto and the 150 calorie for the nuts daily and if she had a 400 calorie breakfast she would be able to have a good 400 calorie dinner and be under 1400 calorie for the day.

Tell her to set here macros for 30% Carbs 50% Fat and 20% Protein in mfp.

User149etc

It's not for the OP to work out anything about her colleague's diet or to tell her anything.

Secondly, I doubt someone drinking Oasis is on a keto diet!