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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overweight colleague - how should I intervene more?

290 replies

chompychompychompchomp · 28/06/2017 10:52

I work closely with someone who in very overweight. She's a lovely colleague to have, works well and is friendly but is very unhappy at being so overweight. She's constantly trying out new diets to help her loose weight and has my full support. However, she has some ingrained misconceptions about food and drink which are inhibiting her ability to eat and drink more healthily.

For example, she raves about drinks like Oasis saying how drinking them is just like drinking water despite me showing her the ingredients and bringing her attention to how much sugar there is. I've explained that excess sugar will not help her to loose weight but she says it's nonsense.

She'll snack throughout the day on nuts saying that constant eating is helping to keep her metabolism up thinking that if she's not eating, her body's not metabolising food.

For lunch, she'll eat a salad laden with mayo and cheese saying that it's healthy as it's just eggs and dairy, ie.natural food.

We went out for a Chinese lunch last week as a team and she ate huge amounts as well as other people's leftovers. Other colleagues are getting fed up with her saying how she doesn't understand why she's so overweight and she doesn't listen to anyone's advice.

It's been left me (decided by team), as I get on best with her, to ask her to either stop talking about her weight or to eat more healthily. I'm not sure what to say to her without offending her. Help!

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 28/06/2017 11:41

OP If she mentions her weight and various diets again, I'd be pleasant but frank. I'd say this:

'Do you really seriously want to lose weight ? If so, I can't help noticing that there are some misunderstandings around calories and food, FROM WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME.' If you'd like me to help you and be a bit of a weight loss pal to help and give you some moral support, I'd be really happy to do that. It's your choice- I'm not forcing myself on you'.

Sorted.

URaflutteringcunt · 28/06/2017 11:42

God fat people who don't listen to skinny people re food are so annoying. Like seriously you are fat, we are not obviously we are doing the right stuff.

Not so. You could eat a chocolate bar for breakfast/lunch/dinner and be skinny and unhealthy as fuck. Equally you can run triathlons and be overweight.

chompychompychompchomp · 28/06/2017 11:42

Just say to your manager that you are not comfortable discussing how a team members eating habits are affecting the work place as you do not feel this is fair, legal or part your role. And that you will no longer participate in exclusive group meetings that are specifically about other team members personal issues.

I have said this. This is the first thing I said when they brought it up. But, if I don't then they will and, as I've said, they won't be very nice or show any sensitivity.

OP posts:
Baalam · 28/06/2017 11:42

Talking about her behind her back
a manager asking an employee to talk to her about something which doesn't have an impact on her ability to do her job
having meetings behind her back

yes these are all classed as bullying

if she goes to the doc and gets signed off with stress caused by you talking to her about her weight (which she may well do), that is plenty of evidence for them and you will be at the heart of it.

She may be fat, but you are stupid (in this instance I'm afraid)

Baalam · 28/06/2017 11:43

ok let them do it

DON'T GET INVOLVED

chompychompychompchomp · 28/06/2017 11:44

OK

I will keep out of it. It's not my place to speak with her about it. I'm not as bothered by it as others in the office are. But I feel for her as this will not be handled well at all by management.

OP posts:
MipMipMip · 28/06/2017 11:44

I agree with avoid the subject if you can.

If you really can't then say "yes, it's strange you're not losing weight. Ask if your gp can refer you to a nutritionist - there may be something you're missing. Let me know when you get an appointment" The last part is just so she feels you're supportive. The rest is she may listen to an expert when she won't anyone else.

And your manager is an arse.

YouMakeMeFeelLikeDancing · 28/06/2017 11:44

From your horrible judgemental username is think you should leave the poor woman alone. You clearly have no empathy. Chomp Chomp indeed Angry

Poorpearl · 28/06/2017 11:45

You should all mind your own business and let her get on with it. It doesn't sound like she understands the principles of losing weight and it's not your place to get involved.

URaflutteringcunt · 28/06/2017 11:46

Let them bring it up then. Then it's nothing to do with you and it will just add more evidence to this lady's future tribunal. Grin

chompychompychompchomp · 28/06/2017 11:46

From your horrible judgemental username is think you should leave the poor woman alone. You clearly have no empathy. Chomp Chomp indeed

Should have name-changed. But as I explained before, my username has nothing to do with this thread. Can see how insensitive it may seem though. Sorry

OP posts:
Baalam · 28/06/2017 11:47

You all sound as though you don't have enough work to do!

goingtotown · 28/06/2017 11:48

There's probably an underlying problem with her weight. She doesn't need you or anyone else interfering with her choices.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/06/2017 11:49

It's been left me (decided by team), as I get on best with her, to ask her to either stop talking about her weight or to eat more healthily. I'm not sure what to say to her without offending her. Help!

this is personal not professional OP, please tread with care. if she wants to eat 50000 donuts a day she can

just stop discussing it

HipsterHunter · 28/06/2017 11:49

@MipMipMip that is a great phrase to use

HotelEuphoria · 28/06/2017 11:50

Not your job to tell her what to eat, not your job to tell her to shut up, but equally not your job to worry about her being over sensitive.

Keep out of it and don't engage.

GnomeDePlume · 28/06/2017 11:50

You are being set up in this.

If you are the one who is pushed into staging the intervention then if she complains you will be the one who will have to take the blame. All the others will step away and deny their involvement.

scampimom · 28/06/2017 11:50

Unless the rolls of fat are preventing her from reaching her desk, I fail to see what her weight has to do with anyone at work.

Checkingusername · 28/06/2017 11:51

Give her full honesty, tell her to either eat less or shut the fuck up about her weight.

I also would say "is this all you go on about all day everyday, maybe we could have a conversation about something else for a change"

Or! Do what my manager did to me "oh checking is eating again!"

I stopped eating in front of them & stopped talking about my weight!!

HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/06/2017 11:51

Oh another 'this person is fat and I'm not thread', yay Hmm

its bollocks anyway but basically-

It's none of your fucking business. Why on earth do you think you need to say anything if she's eating the wrong things while, oh my god shock horror, GETTING ON WITH HER JOB.

Jesus this isn't high school. Get a life.

cdtaylornats · 28/06/2017 11:52

If you work for a sizeable organisation HR may have capabilities in this area. For example they might have under their duty of care an obligation to refer her to counselling.

KitKat1985 · 28/06/2017 11:53

First thought is I'd stay well out of it. But if you are under pressure from management to speak to her, could you suggest to her going to Weight Watchers next time she brings up how unhappy she is about her weight in order to get some support with doing it. I did WW and found it really good. And it'll really open her eyes to how unhealthy certain foods are when she realises how many 'points' are in a lump of cheese or a couple of tablespoons of mayonnaise. I've no doubt she would still talk abut it all day at work though.

Or, is the issue more that you are all sick of her talking about her weight and diets. In which case I think you just need to tactfully keep changing the conversation until she gets the hint.

pinkyflower · 28/06/2017 11:55

Maybe rather than intervene with HER choices - you get the whole office or a group of friends together to start your own 'fat club'

Bring in some scales, support each other and do regular weigh ins - maybe make a competition out of it, pay in a little each week and winner gets the pot...

What makes you think that despite her views on what is healthy, she is the only unhappy/unhealthy person in the workplace?

TheDogAteMyGoatskinVellum · 28/06/2017 11:55

I think the issue here is your unprofessional piss taker of a manager thinking he gets to tell you to do something that could cause massive trouble for you! Seriously, you're being set up. You say she's likely to complain. Understandably, frankly. So she complains to your boss, best case scenario he bats it away (and what makes you so certain that's what he'll do anyway?). She takes it a level higher. Can't see that ending well for you.

This is a useless conniving manager problem, not a colleague problem!

trappedinsuburbia · 28/06/2017 11:56

Hi OP, maybe you could suggest to your colleague one of the slimming apps for her phone so she can log everything she eats/drinks if she is really unhappy with her weight.
I use the scottish slimmers one, it gives you a daily allowance based on your weight. Im sure slimming world have a similar one.
I think your colleague might be in a little denial though but its worth suggesting to her.
I would then just leave it at that, sounds like your manager is trying to make you the scapegoat.