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Original poster

Overweight colleague - how should I intervene more?

290 replies

chompychompychompchomp · 28/06/2017 10:52

I work closely with someone who in very overweight. She's a lovely colleague to have, works well and is friendly but is very unhappy at being so overweight. She's constantly trying out new diets to help her loose weight and has my full support. However, she has some ingrained misconceptions about food and drink which are inhibiting her ability to eat and drink more healthily.

For example, she raves about drinks like Oasis saying how drinking them is just like drinking water despite me showing her the ingredients and bringing her attention to how much sugar there is. I've explained that excess sugar will not help her to loose weight but she says it's nonsense.

She'll snack throughout the day on nuts saying that constant eating is helping to keep her metabolism up thinking that if she's not eating, her body's not metabolising food.

For lunch, she'll eat a salad laden with mayo and cheese saying that it's healthy as it's just eggs and dairy, ie.natural food.

We went out for a Chinese lunch last week as a team and she ate huge amounts as well as other people's leftovers. Other colleagues are getting fed up with her saying how she doesn't understand why she's so overweight and she doesn't listen to anyone's advice.

It's been left me (decided by team), as I get on best with her, to ask her to either stop talking about her weight or to eat more healthily. I'm not sure what to say to her without offending her. Help!

OP posts:
QuimReaper · 28/06/2017 11:16

Coddi at which point the colleague will miraculously fall silent? Confused

provider5sectorzz9 · 28/06/2017 11:17

She has some astonishing beliefs about food!

Maudlinmaud · 28/06/2017 11:19

What the hell has her diet or weight got to do with her job? News Flash people talk about diets! So?

PickAChew · 28/06/2017 11:19

You can't intervene. She's not even interested in intervention. You could suggest she tries something like logging everything she eats and drinks in myfitnesspal, next time she moans that she doesn't understand why she's so overweight, though.

I've lost weight eating salads laden with mayo and cheese. Just within my calorie needs for the day. Not even low carbing, just not eating too much and avoiding processed sugar as a day to day thing.

GnomeDePlume · 28/06/2017 11:19

If it isnt affecting her work then talk about food/diets is just a topic of conversation. It is up to her what she eats/drinks. If you dont like what she says about food or diets then just change to subject just the way you would if someone was propounding their political or religious views and disrupting the office.

You shouldnt be giving her diet advice unless a. you are qualified b. she has asked you.

User843022 · 28/06/2017 11:20

Overweight people tend to be in denial and eat a lot/the wrong stuff.
It isn't up to anybody to 'have a word' with her though. smile, nod change the subject.
If she says 'how can I lose weight' offer advice. until then no. You all shouldn't be discussing her either.

leighb23 · 28/06/2017 11:20

Hmm. To those saying you can't talk about it - how many women talk about their weight at work? Lots!! So telling her she can't when there are more than likely others who are discussing it is bullying at worst. If you have an HR DEPT; go to them and discuss it with them - then mebbe just mebbe after advice from HR she can be pulled in. But as I said before; telling her that talk of her 'diet' is inappropriate is really not on. You CANNOT tell one woman she can't discuss it unless you're going to ban it completely!

WizardOfToss · 28/06/2017 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coddiwomple · 28/06/2017 11:21

QuimReaper not silent, but the OP was asking how to tell her she is deluded about healthy food. I was only replying that apart from advising her to see a professional nutritionist, who she might listen to, there's nothing the OP can say or do, or she risk a complaint for being "fat-shaming" or whatever nonsense people come up with these days.

The OP sounds quite nice and well meaning, but I would just leave it and let someone else explode one day and tell the colleague to please shut up about the food and diet and being fat, enough already!

KimmySchmidt1 · 28/06/2017 11:22

weight is such a tricky issue - i know because i slowly put on weight during my 20s and then lost 5.5 stone, going down to an athletic and kick ass size 10. It was a real head spinner in many ways (I'm now preggers so slowly bloating out as I try to minimise appalling nausea, but I kept it off for 4 years before that). I finally did it by finding some space in a very busy job to focus on myself and joining Lighter Life, which is a very intense way of losing weight and spends a lot of time challenging the bullsh1t we tell ourselves when we can't face proper dieting. I recommend it to her, but it is a shock system designed to completely cut the emotional and habit-based relationship you have with food.

If she was knocking on all day about some mad theory of aliens, then you would be well within your rights to tell her she is talking nonsense. But somehow when people say things that are patently incorrect about food there is a social awkwardness about pointing that out.

I don't think there is much you can do to force her to lose weight. She must know on some level that she is bullsh1tting both herself and you about whether or not she is eating healthily, but i totally sympathise with any situation where you are trying to get on with your job and someone is complaining about any situation they are obviously exacerbating themselves. It seems like that is what is getting on your nerves rather than that she is fat per se.

Losing weight is incredibly hard, especially if you have the body type that clings to fat - its hard to change habits, its hard to tell your body to eat drastically less for a long period of time. You can tell her from me, that life is unfair, its bloody annoying, but you have to eat very little (i was on 600 calories but was monitored by experts - she will need to be on 1200 without any support) to lose weight, you need to drastically change your habits, and it is almost impossible without some sort of programme and external monitoring to give you motivation and stop you cheating all the time.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/06/2017 11:22

Management and HR are completely throwing you under the bus on this one. If they aren't happy with her behaviour in the office then they need to raise it with her.

If no one engages with her on food issues then she will soon get fed up with talking to herself.
"I'm following the 3 mars bar a day diet..."
"That's nice, did you see xyz on TV last night"

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 28/06/2017 11:23

I know that Slimming World gets a bad reputation on MN but - seriously - just going to a few meetings & learning the basics would give your colleague some good lessons on healthy eating. Explaining why you can't just consume as much cheese, mayo & sugary soft drinks as you like and not gain weight anyway.

Does anyone else in the team have any weight to lose? Could anyone suggest that they'd like to give a SW group a go but would like someone to go with & would she be interested?

Other than that I see very little else you can do. You are colleagues & ultimately her weight and diet are nothing to do with any of you. Although I do understand how frustrating it can be when somebody is constantly telling you how they "eat so healthily but can't lose weight" whilst munching through a mountain of high calorie food each day!

KindleBueno · 28/06/2017 11:23

You're manager and HR are waaaay out of line here! Shock

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2017 11:23

Ffs, you can't do this, and if someone else does they need to take the pain for it. You're all adults there. I'm assuming she's not an idiot, so she knows full well what she is eating and the effects it has, she's just making excuses to justify continuing in that manner.

If she wishes to talk about her weight or diet, she should be able to. What kind of workplace decides on conversation topics? If folks don't like it don't join in.

Your manager is being hugely unprofessional in asking you to speak to her. All round this is wrong. If this woman asks for your advice, give it, past that keep out.

KindleBueno · 28/06/2017 11:23

*your Blush

monkeywithacowface · 28/06/2017 11:24

Coddi I think you might have misunderstood my point. I wasn't saying it shouldn't be discussed and isn't an issue I just don't think all the posts I've read about fat people are necessarily genuine.

I have to say I rarely see posts about anorexic people written in the same way BUT if the someone was asking advice about how to approach someone who was painfully thin and obsessed with talking about diets my advice would be the same; i.e. none of her business

Birdsgottaf1y · 28/06/2017 11:24

"""Thing is, our manager is also fed up. Any complaint she may make re.discrimination will be quashed by him as he's one of the people who a has asked me to speak with her...HR too.""

Any complaints made won't be squashed by him because he's broken protocol and so have HR.

She'll have a case to go to Court with.

Do not do anything, your Manager should do what his job role entails and his pay packet, also.

Shut down any conversation with your colleagues about her, because this is turning into bullying because your Manager won't do his job.

You are all partly responsible for carrying on the conversations. Staff meetings behind her back? Not on at all.

Original poster
chompychompychompchomp · 28/06/2017 11:24

I am not happy at all that my manager has put the onus on me to speak with her. But I am worried that if I don't then someone else will and they won't be so nice about it. Just wanted advice on how to approach the situation. We get on well at and outside of work socially so needed advice on how to handle the situation.

I am not party to the team gossip that goes on and no, it's not a very nice place to work. Other colleagues are gossipy and bitchy and I just want to try and stop them from 'dealing' with the situation as they won't do it in a nice way.

OP posts:
Baalam · 28/06/2017 11:25

Please don't say anything. You will get yourself into a real hole if she decides to complain about you.

Baalam · 28/06/2017 11:26

Your manager sounds like a snake

He or she can't 'shut down' complaints she will have a legal right to complain to HR or a tribunal

Lweji · 28/06/2017 11:26

Either you all shut up or stage a proper intervention where everybody is present.
It's not fair to lay it on you.

Tell them to grow a pair.

Baalam · 28/06/2017 11:27

You are all partly responsible for carrying on the conversations. Staff meetings behind her back? Not on at all.

a 1000x this

It amazes me how little people realise about employment law and HR

PragmaticWench · 28/06/2017 11:27

Cricket, I'd be much more concerned about working with a manager and HR department who display such rampant disregard for professionalism!! What else are they getting so badly wrong?! They are leaving themselves open to legal action.

GherkinSnatch · 28/06/2017 11:28

Why would saying "That's just not true" when she comes out with wrong information result in a bullying complaint?

Baalam · 28/06/2017 11:28

Sorry but I hope she takes you all to court

She'd win, too.

Leave her alone to do her job. What she talks about is none of your business. It sounds a really miserable place to work tbh.