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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overweight colleague - how should I intervene more?

290 replies

chompychompychompchomp · 28/06/2017 10:52

I work closely with someone who in very overweight. She's a lovely colleague to have, works well and is friendly but is very unhappy at being so overweight. She's constantly trying out new diets to help her loose weight and has my full support. However, she has some ingrained misconceptions about food and drink which are inhibiting her ability to eat and drink more healthily.

For example, she raves about drinks like Oasis saying how drinking them is just like drinking water despite me showing her the ingredients and bringing her attention to how much sugar there is. I've explained that excess sugar will not help her to loose weight but she says it's nonsense.

She'll snack throughout the day on nuts saying that constant eating is helping to keep her metabolism up thinking that if she's not eating, her body's not metabolising food.

For lunch, she'll eat a salad laden with mayo and cheese saying that it's healthy as it's just eggs and dairy, ie.natural food.

We went out for a Chinese lunch last week as a team and she ate huge amounts as well as other people's leftovers. Other colleagues are getting fed up with her saying how she doesn't understand why she's so overweight and she doesn't listen to anyone's advice.

It's been left me (decided by team), as I get on best with her, to ask her to either stop talking about her weight or to eat more healthily. I'm not sure what to say to her without offending her. Help!

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/06/2017 11:57

But, if I don't then they will and, as I've said, they won't be very nice or show any sensitivity.

It's completely their and her problem.

I'm not sure they won't show sensitivity, though. Clearly they are not prepared to be too blunt about it, or they wouldn't have asked you.
So, don't mummy them. Or her, for that matter.

Lweji · 28/06/2017 11:57

This is a useless conniving manager problem, not a colleague problem!

Indeed.

Passthecake30 · 28/06/2017 11:57

You're not going to win here, if you say anything to her you'll be a bully, if you don't get sucked into her conversations about food then "you're not supportive". Going through similar myself, just smile sweetly and eat your own food without engaging

Checkingusername · 28/06/2017 11:57

What about if a colleague developed anorexia?

Would anyone step in? Or say it's not my business?? Hmm

aginghippy · 28/06/2017 11:59

As pp said, you are being set up in all this. If you say anything, you won't be protecting this woman. All that will happen is you will get blamed, or worse, while the others pretend they had nothing to do with it.

If your management are crap and your other colleagues are not nice people, you can't fix that.

NameChangr678 · 28/06/2017 11:59

This whole "it's not your business" thing.....well, as soon as someone start pouring their life out to you and involving you, it kind of IS your business.

Point her in the way of some weight loss resources. Or don't engage.

Coddiwomple · 28/06/2017 11:59

it will just add more evidence to this lady's future tribunal.

and this is exactly why companies are so reluctant to employ obese people, that and the health issues obviously. It's not worth the aggravation.

you get the whole office or a group of friends together to start your own 'fat club'
Don't! Do no use the word "fat" in a work environment, ever!
And why should the OP have to lose weight in the first place, she is not the one obsessed with diets and losing weight...

Lweji · 28/06/2017 12:01

and this is exactly why companies are so reluctant to employ obese people, that and the health issues obviously. It's not worth the aggravation.

WTAF?

Chewbecca · 28/06/2017 12:02

Agree with others, you absolutely should not mention anything and tell the manager and HR that you do not wish to have such a conversation. Don't feel responsible for them mucking up the conversation with her and upsetting her, chances are they won't do it anyway but if they do, they should have the sense to have the conversation sensibly and professionally, keeping it it to any work related issue only.

Elendon · 28/06/2017 12:03

Sounds like she is being policed about what she eats. I think this is inappropriate in the work place.

Her weight loss is none of your business. Tell her this and stop engaging.

Lucysky2017 · 28/06/2017 12:04

Don't get involved at all. None of your business.

She probably knows that nuts contain loads of calories but just cannot stop herself eating them so it is not going to do a lot of good to enlighten her.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 28/06/2017 12:04

Has fuck all to do with anybody what her weight is.

So she bangs on about it.

Some people bang on about their kids all day. Or their partner, dog, cat.
It could be any subject that becomes monotonous.

ziggy1986 · 28/06/2017 12:05

NOYFB

(None of your fucking business)

NameChangr678 · 28/06/2017 12:05

Sounds like she is being policed about what she eats. I think this is inappropriate in the work place.

I don't think so, she is the one always talking about losing weight and moaning about it to everyone - you can't blame people when they look at what she eats and then comment. She kind of gave them permission to judge what she eats by opening a discussion on it.

URaflutteringcunt · 28/06/2017 12:05

Reluctant to employ fat people? How about not holding clandestine meetings about "what to do about xxx's weight problem". Is it the overweight womans fault that her colleagues are gossiping about her and management are encouraging it? The issue here isn't this lady's failure to recognise Oasis is full of sugar, it's that management think it's ok to isolate someone based on their appearance.

Why not have a full team meeting without excluding this lady and just say "can we all cut down on office chat please?"

Anatidae · 28/06/2017 12:05

If you let your boss foist this one onto you you are a fool. It's highly unprofessional of your boss to ask this if you and it cannot end well under any circumstances. You are being set up. Refuse to say anything, say something like 'gosh that's absolutely not my place to have that conversation that's definitely a matter for you and HR.'

Leave it, if your boss doesn't have the balls to have a hard conversation then He's not a very good boss. Your colleague's weight or eating habits are absolutely none of your business.

WorraLiberty · 28/06/2017 12:05

OP, why do you keep going on about "If I don't talk to her about it, someone else will and they won't be so nice/might upset her"?

She's as grown woman, banging on and on about something that everyone else is bored to tears with (if any of this is true).

If someone else wants to ask her to stop it, that's their business.

Just keep out of it. You can't police other people's conversations, whether you've been asked to or not.

RhubardGin · 28/06/2017 12:06

Unless you all want to be dragged into HR say nothing.

It's annoying I agree. I have a friend exactly like this. She'll have a chipper for tea because she had a salad for lunch and says it balances it out....and no amount of guidance, facts or healthy food ideas makes a difference.

She's in denial. As is your colleague. There is so much information out there now so there isn't an excuse really.

PortiaCastis · 28/06/2017 12:07

I wonder if this would happen to an overweight male?
Not employing obese people is surely discriminatory

NameChangr678 · 28/06/2017 12:07

I can just imagine if I moaned about being fat to my colleagues then ate 10 packs of crisps - of course they'd bloody say something!

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/06/2017 12:07

Stay out of it and look for another job OP, because your boss and team are setting you up.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 28/06/2017 12:08

Tell your manager you're not prepared to say anything and that others should just change the topic of conversation if it bothers them

Squishedstrawberry4 · 28/06/2017 12:09

Yes it seems they are setting you up. Don't fall for it OP. It's not your place or any ones place to pass comment.

Oldraver · 28/06/2017 12:10

I would be very loathe to 'have a word with her'. if she gets the huff, is she likely to put in a complaint (ie she could see it as bullying). You could then be seen as being in the wrong..even though it's your manager that's put you up to it...how brave of them

Anatidae · 28/06/2017 12:10

But, if I don't then they will and, as I've said, they won't be very nice or show any sensitivity.

Not relevant really. If you let them set you up like this you open yourself up to accusations of bullying and harassment. I bet you HR and your boss will let you take the fall.

Deal with the colleague by deflecting, not taking about it, changing the subject and being busy and professional

Refuse to talk to her on behalf of your boss. If you have any emails where they ask you to I suggest you save them. You're being set up.

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