To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

OP I still don't understand the "gossiping" part - what did you have in your calendar? Why aren't personal appts in your calendar as blocked out "private" appointments? There is no need for your PA to see what it is you're doing, just that the period in question is unavailable for work.

Re your name, just insist EVERY SINGLE TIME that it is "X not Y" and if she persists, tell her it is irritating you that she can't or won't abide by your wishes and respect your name choice. All this "but I love your first name" needs to be answered with a firm "Thank you but it is MY name, not yours, and I go by "X".

Problem solved on both accounts.

Read through the majority of the thread and there are some things I like to clear up (and I do apologise if my first post was in any way ambiguous).

1. Again, say my name is Jane Smith. I just want to be known by Smith. No titles, no extra pomp, no honourifics. There are others who choose to be known by LN for various reasons too but we're not the majority.

1. The assistant and I share the calendar and address book for practical and convenience reasons. I put nearly every detail there to avoid scheduling conflict (sometimes I have meetings outside standard office hours) and for proximity organisation.

1. I don't expect anyone to follow my culture (I shake hands and will never think of bowing here because it's weird etc). The name thing is perhaps my minor exception which even then, I don't think it's something strictly to my culture because there are British people in my firm who do that too. Doesn't help that my first name is very "cutesy/flowery"!

Being called by surnames sounds a bit like the army or boarding school or something

Re your name, just insist EVERY SINGLE TIME that it is "X not Y" and if she persists, tell her it is irritating you that she can't or won't abide by your wishes and respect your name choice. All this "but I love your first name" needs to be answered with a firm "Thank you but it is MY name, not yours, and I go by "X

Yes to that op.^

Is it really a cultural thing

Yes, it is. I know a number of Muslim men who use their surnames rather than their forenames. Naming is just different in their culture. No-one I know has a problem with it.

Even in some European countries e.g. Hungary, the surname is placed before the forename.

It's an entirely different thing to expecting someone to call you "Supreme Commander X"

Agree with SwedishToast all the way. Carrying on with your own cultural practices is fine, but asking other people to follow yours will not always go well.

What if, Finallythroughtheroof , your boss asked you to wear modest dress, or didn't even speak to you in the workplace? Is that acceptable because it's culturally normal to him?

Be polite but firm about the name. Every time - I prefer to be called Smith. Her liking or not of your name is irrelevant. It's what you prefer to be called and she should respect that. My husband goes by one of his first names (common here) and that is always respected. To repeatedly call you something you don't want to be called is bizarre and unprofessional. She sounds quite thick skinned.

I'm still unsure exactly what the gossiping is - her sharing details of a child's school? That is a definite breach of privacy. I'd be having some words with her (get HR to sit in if you have to) on the need for confidentiality in a business environment. Confidentiality is critical in the industry I work in (clinical research) and breaches are grounds for instant dismissal. She needs to understand that she is bound to keep Quiet and that applies across the board, to business and personal matters.

Do you trust her? Because if you don't have a basic level of trust in your PA it's going to be a difficult working relationship.

Perhaps the PA is just a bit confused. I must admit that I can never get a handle on some South American names - specifically footballers. It really isn't clear to me which is first name and which is last and why some of them only have one name

Ok finally you're right. You've got me. Me and the other posters who've lived abroad and bent over backwards and learned languages to better fit in are really xenophobic assholes. Probably racist too

HA!

I KNEW it!

Cunningly disguised xenophobia! Are here no depths to which some people will not stoop?

I assume that you also avoid addressing colleagues by their first name if you expect to be addressed formally. Do you call you PA Ms Z or by her own first name?

Gossiping about your private life though is unacceptable

I sympathise with that lady - names can be a minefield and I've inadvertently called people by surnames and even. Y foreign titles in error (arrrghhh) but the PA has had it explained to her and still keeps doing it. That's a bit off really. She doesn't sound socially aware.

I've worked with loads of people who are known by their last names. Japanese, Chinese, and lots of Indian people who choose to be known by nicknames for ease as their names are very long.

Never a problem - just refer to them by the name that they want you to use.

I suspect that there are few organisations that try to insist on mangling people's names into a first name/last name combo (that they are unlikely to do correctly) and then insist on using the first name as it is normally done in that country.

And then having to change it again when that same person moves to the Tokyo office. And then another change of name when that same person moves to Calcutta.

You can bypass all that rubbish simply by listening. If someone says "I'm Cheng" then Cheng he shall be. It would be breathtaking arrogance and ignorance on my part to decide that, no, he is actually called something else.

If you're using Outlook calendar you can give her access to everything except private items (will appear as blocked out with a lock symbol). When you create an event, you just mark it as private to protect it.

I think you need to mug up on your calendar set up!

What if, Finallythroughtheroof , your boss asked you to wear modest dress, or didn't even speak to you in the workplace? Is that acceptable because it's culturally normal to him?

Thats not the same as OP asking to he called her own name in the way she is comfortable with.

In fact your analogy is more similar to tge PA refusing and forcing british culture on OP.

With the updated information - YANBU at all. An honorific would be a bit unusual on the name point (or at least a little out of step with most workplace cultures IME, which might have been damaging to you) but I've worked in places where people were as likely to be known by a surname as a name and it's not a big deal. People should respect your preference on this.

Gossiping is totally unacceptable, regardless! I would expect anyone in the position of PA to have a bit of discretion - surely that's a key part of the job?

She's still new, so you might still be able to nip this in the bud before it becomes an ingrained habit.

entirely different thing to expecting someone to call you "Supreme Commander X"

There is a definite ring to Supreme Commander X Swedish though.

And here is me thinking that everyone had the right to be called what they want at work. How do women get away with having married names and retaining maiden names in professional settings? Surely they dont get to chose and their employer and colleagues get to decide what surname is used? Keep forcefully correcting her until she gets it OP.

The second one needs nipped in the bud. Have an informal, 1st stage chat about that making it clear that things will escalate if repeated.

I suspect - from OP saying she has a 'cutesy' name - that OPs first name is a virtue name/pet name, like Precious or Sweetie or Kindness or similar.

So instead of wanting to be called something very personal, that in her culture is for family only, and which may be quite jarring in a professional British context she is choosing to be called by her last name, by everyone (which is probably not an obvious last name to British ears - so not quite the same public school vibe as Smith).

So in my eyes this is the same as Patrick wanting to be called Pat - never Paddy, as only his mum calls him Paddy. Someone insisting on Paddy, despite being asked not to, is quite frankly being downright rude.

As for the gossiping, perhaps she didn't realise it wasn't general knowledge. Even then it isn't ok.

She needs pulling up on both OP - YANBU. It sounds a bit like she is trying increase her own place in the hierarchy by creating an illusion of closeness between you, and therefore assuming your status for herself.

I have worked with a PA who felt that she was far more important than anyone else because she was the 'doorkeeper' for a Director. She thought this meant she could be rude, offensive, bullying and unprofessional. It didn't, as she soon discovered

Maybe the OP is from East Asia, where the surnames come before the first name in many countries (I know in Korea and Japan they definitely do), so calling her by what you see as her "first" name written down is actually her family name.

Imagine you moved to Japan and everyone was calling you Smith, wouldn't you politely asked to be referred to as Jane instead? They may not know that Smith is your family name because to them, the family name comes first.

Tbh even if OP does want to be called Smith, that's fine too!

That was to my post not TheSea 's

Gossiping - how did you find out and have you spoken to her? is it clear that these things are private or might she not have realised- eg was it just a slip eg shabu will be late she's at her DC's sportsday? when she shouldn't have mentioned where you were or more a you'd never believe it Shabu's been to the doctors again today...

Re names - the rule should be you get called what you want. i've worked in a couple of countries where the naming convention is quite different and had the reverse situation - when in Russia I was happy to address people by name plus patronym for example - and they were happy to address me by first name and then (in formal situation) as Ms Eeny - i never had to comply.
i've had Japanese colleagues who choose to use their surnames here or who choose to use their first names - it doesn't matter - equally they address me by my first name/Ms Eeny as appropriate (occasionally you get firstname-san or Eeny san) - the only issue i have is where either people ignore choices (My American boss felt it incumbent on him to call my Japanese colleague by his first name I think to try and be friendly and treat him like everyone else) or try and over-compensate- randomly adding -san/-sensi etc. I would take her aside and explain the background to her

YANBU on either count OP. One more warning then pass it upwards/ to HR.

A slight aside, but there are British people in my firm who do that too

Really? So, say, Lucy Wainwright and Mark Smith are in a meeting and someone barks says 'Wainwright, have you got that spreadsheet?' or 'Smith, pass the biscuits please.'?

Is this really a thing?