To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

I'm struggling to see the issue with the name.
Plen ty of people are asking to be called a totally different name than theirs, because for one reason or the other, that's the one they like or has stuck.

So let's say a woman is called Pamela but wants to be called Pam or Nancy, no one would have an issue with it. It's even on most forms fgs. So why making a difference with the OP? That's how she wants to be called then that's what it is.

Second point IS an issue. She should know to keep quiet on your personal diary. If she talks about that, what else will she be talking about that she shouldn't??

My brother goes by his middle name. I don't see how you choosing to go by your surname is any different OP. I think you have every right to be firm about your preference.

The gossiping is not on at all. If it's a first offense I would sit your PA down and have a chat, but if it continues you may need to address more formally.

You aren't being a complain queen, merely setting the correct boundaries in a new working relationship.

It's a real shame your original post was misunderstood by many.

Also remember that its not unusual for people to use a family name as a second name (let's say Robert Smith Green) and for people to be called by their second name (John Michaël Smith is called Michaël).

I think there is too much emphasis in using the family name and how this is not on when actually, we already do the same in Britain in some ways.

Xpost vic

Is this really a thing?

Yes. Loads and loads of people I work with have their 'used' name underlined in their email signature, and that's what you call them. Many of the Chinese team have 'adopted' an English name (we have loads of angels and apples' which isn't part of their given name at all. We use that. My husband has three first names and uses the last one - it's the norm here to have a few and official forms request that you specify which one you want to be called by.
The Russian teams often use patronymic when they wish to be respectful

When you work internationally you do your best to be respectful. Sometimes you make mistakes (I have had a couple of colleagues with surname/name combinations I got wrong, stuff like (made up example) 'Blake heather' where you're not sure which one is the first name (Blake as it turned out...)

The usual reaction to a mistaking is a polite correction, you apologise and make a note of it and from then on you call the person what they want to be called. Or you'd ask 'would you mind telling me how you pronounce your name so I can get it right?' Or something like that.

To continue deliberately calling her something she doesn't want to be called is disrespectful

If you're using Outlook calendar you can give her access to everything except private items (will appear as blocked out with a lock symbol). When you create an event, you just mark it as private to protect it.

Yes - this is really easy to set up in Outlook - the time appears blocked out, and the assistant can't see the details of the appointment. Problem 2 solved.

For Problem 1, you'll just have to sit her down and explain that the name thing is not optional, that its just how it is, and you don't expect to have to speak to her about it again.

Sapphire - yup, it's a thing. I work with a 'Jonesey'. In a previous job my female manager went by a mans name which was part of her last name .... Example : she is called Laura Phillips - everyone in the business called her Phil. (names changed to protect the innocent...and me )

Sapphire - yup, it's a thing

I agree. I've had quite a few work colleagues address me by my surname (both in and out of the office). It's always been men and usually men I'm good friends. Ironically, people at work I'm less friendly with call me by my first name.

Definitely a thing. Mind you, there were a lot of ex-military people in my last job, but it was a sort of jokey, bantery (in a positive sense, it was a nice working environment, not a dreadful wahey one for the lads bantery place!) thing.

Finally - I was the one who said that insisted on being called Mrs X in the standard UK workplace was odd, which you keep insisting in xenophobic. How interesting - you seem to have made a snap assumption that I am from the UK and the working culture here must be my culture. Perhaps you could keep your racial and cultural assumptions to yourself - wouldn't want to come across as xenophobic, would we?

I leave you with this: Xenophobia can also be exhibited in the form of an "uncritical exaltation of another culture" in which a culture is ascribed "an unreal, stereotyped and exotic quality". methinks the lady doth protest too much....

Didn't Hugh Grant call Bridget Jones "Jones" ?!

Just remembering when I called a new employee by her full name, ie (almost) "Jane Smythe, you sit here." The next thing I knew she had made an "official complaint" about me because I'd pronounced her name incorrectly. I had no idea and she hadn't corrected me at the time. She made another "official complaint" later that week because she wanted a vegan-only room to eat her lunch.

Coddiwomple

"I'm really taken aback by how hateful some Mumsnetters can be with SO little provocation"

It's quite something, isn't it. It's like they are in a foul mood so think 'I'll go on MN and take my shitty mood out on some innocent randoms'

I v much doubt they are quite so vitriolic in real life !

Of course. Noone from any other culture then the UK can be xenophobic.

You're all quite comfortable with your views so not sure why you feel the need to keep putting boot into me...

I don't think calling someone "Jonesy" is quite the same thing at all, that's a jokey nickname between mates. My surname is Robinson and closer colleagues have quite often called me Robbo. Didn't really mind, but it's not something I expected to be known by.

OP's assistant is probably just a bit about the different surname rules in other cultures. Maybe explain it in a bit more detail so she understands, it's all quite interesting having read this thread.

I find the name thing odd. I am foreign from a place where we are called by our title and then surname. Everyone I go home, I'm nearly always referred to as Dr. Another. No way do I want to be addressed in this way in the workplace in the UK. It's not the culture here and it just sounds odd. There's lots of Dr so and so where I am working and have worked and they are not addressed as such. So it would come across as I'm trying to make some Hooray Henrietta point. When in Rome ...

Ok op, you have two issues here:

First is trust. Second is hierarchy.

It sounds like there are problems with trust. You need to have a degree of professional trust in her. Do you have that? If not, is it something that you think can be salvaged?

Second you say in your op about feeling you're Not high enough up the food chain to really assert yourself here. Then she's disrespecting you with the name thing and the privacy thing. In essence this is a power struggle

Do you think you can solve both of these things? What's your aim here? To have a productive long term relationship? Do you think you can establish trust?

Out of interest, how old is she and how long has she been at the firm?

Do you call her by her last name? I wouldn't call a colleague by their last name.

How is asking you about a primary school gossiping? She's not discussing your private life with others, she's discussing it with you. I don't find that unprofessional at all.

Just like if my child's school called and my PA took a message, I wouldn't call it gossiping if my PA asked me questions about my opinion on the school at a later time.

Trolls I believe the receptionist asked, not the PA.. therefore PA had been discussing with receptionist I think

You absolutely get called what you prefer to be called in the workplace, whichever way around it is.

As an aside, all the people saying how strange or formal or 1940's RAF to be called by your surname... no teachers amongst you?
For ease of avoiding using first names in front of students we are all known by our surnames. Even on the Friday night drinks we'll refer to each other as simply 'smith' or 'jones'

Number 1 is unusual to refer to someone by there surname in my option. But providing everyone in the company does it, that's understandable. Is your assistant particularly young? This sounds like quite a immature thing to do (mention how nice your name is as opposed to address you how you've requested).
Number 2 was she checking with another colleague how to do something I.e 'I need to book shabu a hotel for next Saturday when she's at the theatre'. Or was it 'omg did you know that shabu wants a hotel room booking' . If it's the later either explain this is completely unreasonable behaviour or just get rid.

SapphireStrange you do realise that not all British people are white Anglo-Saxon right.......?

I think things like 'Jonesy' or 'Phil', for a Laura Phillips, and using surnames as banter, are different from just straight-up calling someone by their surname though.

I used to teach abroad and in the country where I worked, pupils would say Mr/Miss + first name e.g. Miss Jane rather than Miss Smith. I wasn't used to pupils using a teachers first name but when in Rome, do as the Romans. I really think the Op is unreasonable about this point.