To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

They both went by the same 'first name' because it was their family name.

If this is the sort of thing the OP means, then I think it's fair enough for her to request that. I was thinking that she was insisting on being called Mrs/Miss/Ms Whatever, which sounds superior and up herself (even if she isn't, that's how it comes across).

Otherwise if say, she's Mrs X and wants to be called X, rather than by her forename of Y, then I think her PA should respect that.

And TBH, if someone insisted on calling me by a name I considered personal (to family) or disliked (I've known many people who dislike their given name, some of who ask to be called something else, and I'm fine with that), then I would insist on calling said PA by some random name that wasn't her own. To ignore someone's wishes in this situation IS disrespectful to them.

If this is what is happening OP I can understand you being upset by it. It's almost as though your PA were calling you "Darling" or "Sweetheart", if use of your first name is an intimacy reserved for immediate family, and I certainly would make a point of telling her so (as well as the gossip thing - that's well out of bounds.). Here is doesn't matter how lovely a name is, it's a private thing and should not be used beyond the family.

SO:

If OP is insisting on (title + surname) in an office culture which uses forename - she is being U

If she insists on (surname only, rather than forename) in the same office culture, she is not being U, because that is her preferred name, in the same way as Thomas may prefer Tom, or Ethelberta Diane may choose to be Diane.

The gossip, whatever the circumstances, or even the innocence of it, needs to stop because it is none of the PA's business (e.g. a hospital appointment, if anyone needs to know where the OP is, is just an appointment - it's not "She's gone to get a boil on her bum lanced"). Also, being a PA means that you are expected to respect confidentiality.

OP, while I don't really agree with no1, I do accept and understand that in your culture is something important and she should respect that

No2 is completely UNACCEPTABLE! Fuck no. Ridiculous.

Have a chat with her and if no2 happens again say bye byw

Perhaps she says she loves your name, because it sounds better than "Get over yourself"?

Or perhaps because in her culture, last names are considered too formal.

Sorry if this has already been asked, but do you call her by her first name? If so, maybe cut it out. If someone calls me by my first name, but insists I call them by their last name it really pisses me off, but that might just be me.

Number 2 is especially bad, but yanbu on either point imo. She is behaving unprofessionally.

I agree with worra on this one

coddi I think you know exactly how you intended that post to sound. Not all of us work in the corporate world. Thankfully.

thank you for clarifying my posts for me!

I will never understand that haughty attitude against the "corporate world". It's just work. So not a big deal.

If someone calls me by my first name, but insists I call them by their last name it really pisses me off, but that might just be me

But that's not even a useful comparison.

Most people prefer to be addressed by their first names. The OP prefers to be addressed by her surname, as is done in her culture. What's the problem?

It's just a question of preferred names. No need to be placing a value judgement on first name vs. surname, formal vs. informal, British culture vs. "foreign culture"...

Why suggest the OP needs to "get over herself" for simply having a preferred name?

OP?

Urrghh!

Fell for it again.

Another poster with a brand new shiny name change, to start a thread with and then bugger off.

Pointless engaging.

Anyway, I didn't say anywhere that I thought Korean culture was the same as every other Asian culture (why on earth would I think that, there are like 5 billion Asians, I am aware they're not all the same...)- I was going off the expectation (perhaps wrongly) that the OP is Japanese or Korean.

That's my whole point though. Your 'expectation' is that the OP is from a culture you have experience of and so you are judging her based on this. She could quite easily be Vietnamese, Chinese or one of a number of other Asian cultures. You're coming across as if you think your knowledge, experience and expectations trump everyone else's (including the OP's!)

1 depends entirely on the culture of where you work. I work globally and we just accept that we call people what they want to be called, so in Germany we'd address Doctor/prof with the honorific and in Sweden we'd be more likely to use first names. It's a delicate balance and I always err on the side of being too formal for first meetings/interactions - it's much, much better to address someone formally and have them say 'oh please call me sarah'rather than offend someone by being too informal. We actually have dedicated training for those working with se Asian teams so that we can train people fully in polite culturally appropriate interactions. From my limited experience working with teams there I can see what a cultural minefiled it is. I'd be terrified I was going wrong!
All this is basic politeness across cultures. When cultures meet you must give great allowances to politeness and respect for each other. If you work in a purely British company with an informal feel hen it's a thornier issue, but still, if someone has requested you call them Dr. Smith then you do so. I rarely insist on people using my titles because I'm based in Sweden and things are more informal here.

1. If she is truly gossiping (not just 'I am going out to pick up Shabu's dry cleaning' then that is extremely unprofessional. I'd have a formal sit down with her and document it. Any further occurrence would be HR. If she's still on probation now and you feel she cannot cope with client confidential full stop then you may need to terminate her contract.

I hope you find a way forward.

OP?

OP's out of the office burying her assistant's corpse

HeyRoly

I agree that the assistant should 100% call the op by her last name regardless. It's rude an unprofessional to disregard the op's explicit request to be addressed by her last name.

I was making a totally separate comment on how the op addresses the assistant.

And so true re erring on the side of being more formal ana. I accidentally used the tu form in French but with some French speaking, North African colleagues at work. We were just hanging out drinking tea in the kitchen, so I thought it was fine. They were very nice about it, but I later found out it is really NOT the done thing in North Africa. I could have really offended them, but they never mentioned it. Probably realised my french was rusty and I didn't really know what I was doing!

Anyone who uses phrase "attempt to out PC" will generally have some dubious views. Water off a ducks back swedish.

Quick nip in since I'm at work and haven't read anything beyond the first couple of posts.

For point 1, I don't ask anyone to call me Mrs X or anything like that (that'd be a bit weird). I just want to be known as X.

For point 2, only reason I found out is that I used to date a single parent which no one besides assistant knew about.

The kid and I still hang out occasionally (with the parents' consent of course), and then out of the blue the receptionist started asking me about how things are like in his primary school due to her wanting to send her own kid there.

YABVU on point 1; insisting everyone call you by your title and surname really is very rude. That's almost non existent here and you need to adapt to our culture (as others have said, give and take is required when cultures meet).

On point 2, if she is actually doing that, then yes she is behaving unprofessionally.

Anyone who uses phrase "attempt to out PC" will generally have some dubious views. Water off a ducks back swedish.

Nope, not a one 😊

Fair enough, thats your opinion

Calling xenophobia PCness is quite dubious IMO. But each to their own.

I think most people agree it's fine OP as long as you don't expect her to use Mrs.

Confused about the second thing though, it sounds like she wasn't gossiping about you? Just asking you about something she knows you know about?

Wheres the giving and taking on our part there then What?

Calling xenophobia pc gone mad would be dubious.

Using xenophobia incorrectly is also dubious.

Geddit?

I think it was the receptionist who suddenly knew all about the op's ex's dc, which means the assistant must have told her? I think that's what it is anyway.

So if your name was 'John Smith' you expect her to call you 'Smith'? Fair enough.

As for 2... I feel that is a sacking offense. I was a PA for years and never, ever disclosed anything about my bosses' lives, personal OR professional.

People who spend their lives abroad with furrin partners and furrin kids attempting to fit in to a culture don't tend to be xenophobic.