To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

Nope. But nice try.

It is the norm in the UK to address people as they wish to be addressed, and it is not the norm to call them a name they have asked you not to call them.
Pretending it is a cultural norm is twatty and not a little racist.

"Pretending that your workplace has a culture that excludes foreigners from doing things like choosing their own names is xenophobic."

The workplace has a culture of using first names (I presume because most offices in the UK do).

It doesn't mean it is universal. Terribly rude to impose names on other people, and not very English at all.

"It is the norm in the UK to address people as they wish to be addressed"

I don't agree with that. I've never been asked at work whether I want to be called by my surname. It's never been an option. I try to use a nickname that people can pronounce better than my real name, but I've never been able to enforce that either, people just mangle what they read.

"as others have said, mark personal items as PRIVATE on the calendar and they will not show detail to be gossip fodder."

As I've mentioned before, you need to show them so the assistant knows where OP is. She needs to be able to factor in travelling time to make the next appointment.

I know the OP can't out herself, but I'm fascinated to know what the name is, especially if it elicits the exclamation, "I love your name!"

I knew a girl when I lived abroad called "Darling". Apparently when she was born the midwife said, "What a little darling," and so she was given that name. If I were her I would have changed it as it made for much awkwardness. Luckily she was a teacher so not so many problems at work - or perhaps she became a teacher to avoid the name difficulty...

When I was a ward sister some years ago I often had to tear students and juniors off a strip for over familiar behaviour or loose gossip.
It was for their own good as much as mine becasue the sooner you learn how to be a professional at work the easier your life will be.
It sounds to me as though you would be doing her a favour.

"It doesn't mean it is universal."

It's pretty much universal that people not in very senior positions are not given the option of using their last names.

Irritated - Op is not a ward sister. She works in an office - it's not run like the army. People in offices these days are on first name terms.

Spot on AndTakeYour

So it's not acceptable for your more junior, new, direct report to gossip (potentially) to another colleague but it IS ok for you to post details about her performance and your concerns with her performance in what sound like very specific circumstances on an extremely public forum which is now on a mailer going out to thousands of people on mumsnet? you better hope she doesmt read it and recognise the scenario ...

It is the norm in the UK to address people as they wish to be addressed

It is, and it really is not an issue if you don't make it one.

Hello, I am Mrs Coddiwomple. Hi team, this is Mrs Coddiwomple who is our new internet timewaster manager.
Good morning Mrs Coddiwomple, I am Batman.
Good morning Batman.

Sign all your emails with Mrs Coddiwomple. Problem solved.

I do know a few Dr Full Name, or Mrs full name. No one really cares that much, and I haven't heard anyone asking for their first name. It's not the most common set up, but it's not extraordinary either.

I am pretty sure many of my colleagues do not use their first name, maybe a nickname or a middle one, because we have to remind temps or juniors to check before they book a flight.

I believe the OP said she wasn't asking to be called Miss X, just X. It would be most off if someone insisted they were called Miss/Mr/Mrs if no one else in the company used a title, and I'm sure that there would be more than a little office gossip about them!

"Hello, I am Mrs Coddiwomple. Hi team, this is Mrs Coddiwomple who is our new internet timewaster manager."

No, most offices wouldn't have that these days. Are you from the 80s?

I believe the OP said she wasn't asking to be called Miss X, just X.

Oh, I missed that , must have only read 13 pages!

Then it is a complete non-issue. Ask anyone organising the business trips, it happens all the time. Some people still use their title though, who cares.

No, most offices wouldn't have that these days. Are you from the 80s?

I don't know how it worked in the 80s, I wasn't even at school.
Our senior receptionist at work is a Mrs... something, and she is far from the only one.

(unless you were sniggering at the introduction bit, I agree, no one introduces people, I was just making a point )

It would be easier to believe people were just annoyed about it sounding too old fashioned and fornal if people didnt keep going on about when in rome and "cultural norms"

Which is cringey.

There's literally no reason not to call somebody by their surname if they ask you to do so. It makes no difference to your life whatsoever.

Lets say OP was Abigail Smith but preferred to be called Gail, everyone called her Gail apart from assistant who would use the name Abigail.
I think that assistant should call OP Gail and not Abigail, after she had been requested to do so.
If OP was Kim Firstname Middlename or something and preferred to be called Kim then surely that should be recognised, so if OP was Firstname Middlename Surname and preferred to be called Surname the why can't the assistant call her Surname.

If you prefer to be addressed as a name other than your first, then that's not completely outside the norm and should be respected. I'd give her another chance by saying "I known as 'Smith' at work, not 'Jane', it's lovely you like 'Jane', but I won't want to be addressed as 'Jane' at work. Can you please use 'Smith' from now on?" if she goes on about how lovey it is, just keep repeating "That's nice, but I have ask you to not use it."

Normally I would say revealing personal info wasn't on, but to be fair to your new PA, the name of the school your DCs are at wouldn't assumed to be a secret, could your PA not realise this child isn't your DC and so their being part of your life is something to be discreet about? If she thought your ex's child was yours, then the meetings would be 'access' and perfectly normal thing to say "oh yes, 'Jane Smiths' child goes to that school too."

Making it clear what you do and do not want to be discussed is an important step. It does seem that culturally you want less discussed than the norm/have some complex family situation you didn't spell out to her to be discreet about.

gosh all it takes is for someone to say culture...

it's simple politeness to use the given name of a person, especially a colleague

i have 3 close friends all British who are known to all and professionally by a name not even on their birth certificate

but OP just nip this in the bud, tell her 'no I don't want you to call me X thank you'
and a 'please don't discuss my schedule etc I don't feel comfortable with my private life being chatted about'

Gwen it's no different to you full name being Gwendoline and you saying 'Hi, I'm Gwen'

Why the fuck is this so hard to understand 😂😂 all this 'not British' is absolute bullshit

OP Call yourself Princess Shamalamadingdong and really give them something to object to..

Its not just about using a word.

Next you will say its PC gorn mad.

if you don't want people to gossip, just don't give them anything to gossip about.

In the same way that there are people who could start a fight in an empty room, there are people who will speculate with the slightest of pretexts.

You don't have to do anything "wrong" to be gossiped about - a simple hospital appointment can be conflated to a visit to the clap clinic - and even if it isn't, general speculation, (which very human) isn't the thing for a PA to do about their boss.