To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

Yes! Say my name is Laura Jane Jones, and I want to be called Jane, have always been called Jane, why would you not call me Jane? How is that different to using my surname instead?

The only time I have "objected" to calling someone the name they requested is when a new employee said they wanted to be known by a really silly nickname. There was a rather collective gulp from colleagues and I don't think anyone respected their wishes!

I would really like OP to come back and let us know if/when she has spoken to the assistant and what they said - it would be really interesting to know their motivation / explanation. I'm not sure I would want to come back to the thread if it was me though!

It doesn't come across that way to me at all

Then you don't understand very basic manners.

I didn't say it wasn't rude. But you are assuming it is deliberate and the assistant is doing so for some malicious motive, as opposed to out of naivety or inexperience.

THE NUMBER OF WOMEN HERE DICTATING THAT A WOMAN CANNOT DECIDE WHAT SHE SHOULD BE CALLED IS STAGGERING.....

Ahem

Cough

Seriously people you need to get a grip.

elenafrancesca

can anyone be more smug and unreasonable than your post. Good grief, it's a work-related situation, we are not talking about a mother in law.

I think it's entirely up to the OP, how she wants to be addressed, even if it is with miss/ms etc. There's nothing to stop anyone else in the workplace being addressed in a similar manner. If people can respect trans people wanting to be called by their preferred name, then I don't see so many have issues with a woman wanting to be addressed by her preferred name.

I wish people would stop the when in rome xenophobic shit.

I used to work with someone who was referred to by his surname. He had a common first name and a fairly uncommon surname. Some other colleagues disliked it. Also worked with Firstname MacName, known as Mac, and that was only strange if he was addressed by tannoy - "Could Mr MacName come to reception please"

So if OP wants to be known by surname and is generally known by that, who is the assistant to start calling her a different name.

Finally, "when in Rome" is not xenophobic! it's a translation from early Christian writings, it means when visiting a new place, it's polite to follow their customs, it's pretty much the opposite of xenophobic.

It is in the way people are using it here

Hth

I work somewhere where people have military nicknames which everyone calls them, usually based on their surname. Think things like animals or reducing a surname and adding a y. It makes me uncomfortable because I'm never sure if it's just certain work colleagues who should use or everyone. If someone said to me, 'I want to be called puppy,' I would use it! So PA IBU not to call you what you want to be called, and even more so for gossiping.

Finally, "when in Rome" is not xenophobic!

It is when people are using it to say "you are not allowed to do things your way, you must do things the way I say because its my country and not yours".

OP, I've warmed to you since you came back and explained.

I was initially with those who said you needed to be more flexible about your name. Now that it's been clarified, I cannot see how it would be any more difficult for your PA to use the name you've asked her to use. Especially if, as I suspect, your surname could, to those who don't know your language and culture, as easily be a given name as a surname.

For instance, taking the example of an old friend of mine, if your full name was Susan Tongchingdabong and you asked to be known as Tongchingdabong then that would be weird (Mrs Tongchingdabong even weirder)... however, if your name were Akino Sasaki then it should be of absolutely no consequence to use Sasaki.

"It is in the way people are using it here

Hth"

No, it's not. HTH. Or actually instead of being rude and writing HTH, I can explain why it's not xenophobic. Xenophobia is hatred of foreigners. Asking people to follow workplace culture is not hatred of foreigners. You could argue that the person who refuses to do 'when in Rome' is xenophobic because they refuse to respect their host culture.

They are not using it like that though are they? As someone upthread said would you insist on doing things "your way" in a country who's culture frowned upon showing flesh, drinking alcohol etc?

Thanks Gwen

Asking people to follow workplace culture is not hatred of foreigners

Pretending that your workplace has a culture that excludes foreigners from doing things like choosing their own names is xenophobic. Insisting people do things as you would like because you think its a norm when it isn't particularly is xenophobic.

Try and see the layers underneath.

I have to call my boss sir or Ma'am so there!

"It is when people are using it to say "you are not allowed to do things your way, you must do things the way I say because its my country and not yours"."

This is not what's happening. What's happening is that OP is telling her assistant that she's not allowed to behave how she normally would as she must follow the norm of a foreign country because OP is her hierarchical superior.

"I have to call my boss sir or Ma'am so there!"

Well, that's usual in the police or the army, but it would not be acceptable in most offices. I would leave if my boss expected that of me because I haven't chosen to go into that kind of occupation.

If OP is asking the assistant to use Ms./Mrs./Mr or some other salutation along with the last name, when office culture is such that folks are on a first name basis, then it is totally unreasonable. If however, the OP prefers to be known by the last name alone - like Cher only not the first name - then that should be respected.

Even most senior and managing partners should not expect to get personal assistance from their work assistant - those days have gone in mose environments I know of. However, as others have said, mark personal items as PRIVATE on the calendar and they will not show detail to be gossip fodder.