To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

The P.A. is trying to impose on HER

Those who say they 'wouldn't ' work with someone like OP - riiiiight. Because your BOSS requests a name,surname,nickname whatever - you'd give in your notice? In which case you are the one who's hard work!

Do you call her by her last name? I wouldn't call a colleague by their last name. - this is her BOSS, not a colleague. The BOSS gets to say what goes.

And what's wrong with calling someone by their last name? FFS it happens in schools, the military, hospitals, usually with the honorific but not always. It's not a crime.

I dont think I'd be very pleased to be told my name is adorable by my PA. neither would I tell a direct report their name was adorable - just entirely wrong in the business environment.

It is my opinion shabushabu that your assistant is just trying to be friendly; calling you by your first name is a friendlier approach than the formality of using your surname.

In British culture, the surname is used by authority figures to address those 'beneath' them so it is possible that it feels wrong for your assistant to use yours as you are obviously her superior.

Your assistant talking to you about personal matters is again, I think, an attempt at friendliness. She is looking for something that you have in common that she can engage with you on.

Gossipping is generally when someone talks about someone else to someone else. As she is talking directly to you I woudn't call this gossiping.

In summary, your assistant's behaviour is not so much unprofessional as misguided. She is attempting to be friendly towards you and you need to decide whether or not to accept or rebuff her attempts.

It's possible that you are not the right boss for her as she is clearly a warm individual who likes to connect with those people for whom she works.

If you want the matter to change my advice is that you tell your assistant that in your culture it is not the norm for assistants to do 1 and 2 and that it makes you feel uncomfortable when she does them. So 'please may you use my surname and refrain from discussing items of my personal life with me'.

Hope this helps OP :)

If a work colleague told people on this thread that they liked to be addressed by a certain name would poeple really refuse and aay "you must adhere to british cultural rules". I doubt it.

Its just on here people can give vent to their deeper views. Quite scary really.

OP, if the culture at your company is to call people by random names, first names, last names, etc (as you have said) then that's not a typical workplace and as such, it is not unreasonable to insist to be addressed by your last name. Personally I would find it rather confusing to be in a workplace with such a culture.

No, it's a very typical workplace in a large organisation, and it really isn't at all confusing just to call people by the names they choose. It would be distinctly strange if any organisation imposed a rule that, for instance, nicknames could never be used just so that there can be uniform naming practice throughout the organisation.

It would indeed.

Is it because she thinks that the majority of people don't know how to pronounce your first name, so she is making a point that she's making the effort and saying it correctly and thus shaming colleagues who can't/won't , assuming that you've given up on people mis-pronouncing your name so rely on them not messing up your surname?

No matter you wish to be addressed if you're senior enough to have a PA then you get to decide I think !
As for personal requests I've worked as and have friends who work as EA for extremely senior high powered CEOs- jobs have entailed making sure they have dinner. Calling their wife if going to be late home, Reminding of birthdays and anniversaries and buying gifts organizing holidays! At a v senior level an EA takes pride in organizing all aspects of their charges life and is very discreet
A lot of personal stuff which a professional assistant would never share
So OP you tell your assistant not to gossip and if she does it again she can go!!

oops I see it was the receptionist and not your assistant who was chatting to you about personal matters.

She really should be more discreet but I can see how it might have happened. Receptionist asks assistant if she knows anyone with kids at such and such school and assistant says 'I think shabushabu might know someone'. Or something like that. Again, from a place of kindness.

You are going to have to have a word with her I think.

Best of luck.

it really isn't at all confusing just to call people by the names they choose

It isn't. And it's just polite to do so. I've worked with people called, respectively: Rusty (can't remember his actual name but it was something unremarkable), JJ (John James Surname), Fletch (Chris Fletcher), Chuck (his business card said Charles T. Moore III, if I remember correctly!) and Sammy (whose actual name, I'm ashamed to say, I couldn't pronounce, which may be why he asked everyone to call him Sammy in the first place).

Similarly, if I introduce myself as "Natalia", then that's what I'd expect to be called. If, however, I said, "Hello, I'm Nat", then I'd find it odd if you called me Natalia. You just call people what they call themselves and what everyone else calls them.

I think it is a bit of clash of expectations. OP, you sound very formal and the assistant is obviously less so. I agree with nandio that the assistant seems to be trying to be chummy and you - quite reasonably - do not want to be her pal but her boss.

I agree that most people gossip about their workmates - including their boss - especially if their boss is a pain, eg "Oh, no, Angela's gone to the dentist and says she'll be back at 5 to 5 - blast - I was hoping to sneak off early," sort of thing. If my boss were going to the dentist, I might say, "Just a check up or something more major?" Not because I would be desperately interested, but just a bit of friendly chit chat makes for a more pleasant working environment.

I think expecting an automaton assistant who never chats and simply completes work to an excellent standard is too big an ask, really. I've never come across one!

but just a bit of friendly chit chat makes for a more pleasant working environment.

This is a good point. It's hard to draw the line, I know, but are you interpreting "friendly chit chat" as "gossip", OP? Genuinely no idea, obviously - but it's worth thinking about it. I think if it was well meant (i.e. "Oh, Shabu sees a child who goes to that school, you should ask her" rather than "Did you know that Shabu dated a single parent? Who's she dating now?") then I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.

The Archbishop of York goes by the name Sentamu - his surname. That is his right and it didn't occur to anyone to question it.
Ignoring your wishes with regards to your name are just rude!
the assistant might not be well intentioned - she might just be playing a power game

I think I'd call the Archbishop of York "Your Grace" actually. Bit familiar to rock up at his minster and call him Sentamu.

Indeed Lady. And how incredibly inappropriate would it be for anyone to insist on calling him 'John' because that is his first name and they like it more than Sentamu?

He's a North-East of England bishop, Lady - his official title is "Pet".

user1495915742 - being a PA/EA/secretary is a job, like any other. Most people have a moan about work and their bosses. I do ensure I am polite and professional in front of the people I work for though.

I don't know the OP to comment if they are reasonable or not from words on a screen!

It is my opinion shabushabu that your assistant is just trying to be friendly; calling you by your first name is a friendlier approach than the formality of using your surname

It is not remotely friendly to insist on calling someone a different name than the one they have asked you to call them. It's just plain rude.

It's misguided naive friendliness, but still trying to be friendly.

It all just reads to me as a bit of a clash of personalities, and there have been far too many extreme reactions towards both the OP and the assistant on here.

You don't know that. People who insist on calling you a name they like and you don;t are not trying to be friendly, in general. They are trying to gain power.

And neither do you know that it's an attempt to gain power. It doesn't come across that way to me at all. But yes, it could all be a sinister plot by the assistant. Typical AIBU to assume the worst of people, as displayed by comments about both the OP and the assistant.

OP, if the culture at your company is to call people by random names, first names, last names, etc (as you have said) then that's not a typical workplace and as such, it is not unreasonable to insist to be addressed by your last name. Personally I would find it rather confusing to be in a workplace with such a culture.

What's confusing? You are introduced to someone and told their name. Doesn't matter whether it's first, last or Madam Pompadour . You use the name you've been introduced to.

Yanbu. I have wirked with many people and even at school people where called by their last name. Or a nick name etc. Hiw they introduced themselves is what i called them. Makes sense! Went to school with someone whos surname was smith. And liked to be called smithy. Another girl called kathdring wanted to be called kitty/kit. Even the teachers stuck to it and they are still recognised by these names 10 years on. Ive worked with similar also. So no yanbu.

Regarding no2. Double check first but no yanbu. No one shohld be dishjng out personal info about anyone. Period.

My goodness. Awful spelling as i am speed typing with my lwft hand with baby in right.