To think that my new assistant is behaving unprofessionally?

[ShabuShabu]

My firm has finally assigned me a new assistant so I no longer have to share, which is great. Her work thus far is okay, and I'm willing to wait till she's more familiar with the place when it comes to having initiative. There have been several hiccups in our relationship though.

1. I insist on most people calling me by my last name because in my culture first names are a bit "intimate" and tend to be reserved for close friends and family. I have never had a problem when making that request but she refuses to do this because in her words, "I love your name!"

1. She's in charge of my personal scheduling which does include snippets of my personal life, and she has taken it upon herself to gossip to her peers about it.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable behaviour? If I were of a higher rank I wouldn't have qualms about expressing my discontent, but at my level it feels like moving into a new neighbourhood and establishing yourself as the #1 complain queen.

But by the OP 'insisting' on everyone using her last name, isn't she the one who is trying to tell everyone she's different?

No, BigYellow, she isn't. It is no different from someone deciding to use their middle name. It's just a name. My husband's best friend is universally known by his surname, which is slightly unusual and somehow just seems to suit his character; if anyone uses his first name, it takes a moment to work out who they're talking about. He's not trying to tell anyone he's different, and no-one thinks that he is.

Do you call her by her last name? I wouldn't call a colleague by their last name.

What if they said "everybody calls me [name], please call me [name]"?

If your answer to that is still no, then you're just being a dick.

MissEliza do you object to people preferring to be called their middle name over their first name?

I really don't see what there is to object to? OP has a preferred name that isn't her first name. People are up in arms as if she's asked to be called 'Princess Consuela Banana Hammock'.

No, I don't use her last name when talking to her; I address her by the name she'd introduced herself with.

Using the Jane Smith example again, I usually introduce myself by saying, "hi I'm Smith" and no one else seems to have a problem with that. I've got colleagues who go by their first name, last name, middle name, random name that's not part of their legal name, nickname, initials etc. All fine.

I never told her what my FN was, and when she first saw it that was it. Told her how I prefer going by my last name and how practically everyone knows me by that anyway, and she simply said that it was a shame as it's adorable and that she'll use that since she loves it.

Shh hazeydays14 don't give me ideas on what I should introduce myself as whenever someone new comes in! 😂

Sapphire and puppy the examples i have aren't banter - they are genuinely what these people are known as. By the whole 800 strong workforce, from the MD to the cleaner. Honestly.

It's how people are introduced to them - i had been there 3 years before I found out Jonesey's first name, and that was only because I didn't recognise the initials on some minutes.

Good grief - who turns around to their boss and tells them their name is 'adorable'?!

Patronising as hell sippy

er - the person saying that their boss I mean - not you

Its your right to be known by whatever name you want to be known as.

I totally understand a professional woman wanting to be known as kick ass Inoue, rather than say, cutesy Sakura.

Perhaps be mindful it is quite hard to pronounce and remember names which have such alien sounds to a Brit. That said, HER perferring Sakura to Inoue, for example, is not acceptable. YANBU.

On the second point, I would give her a break. Tell her you are a very private person, and whilst she doesn't appear to have meant any harm, it upset you.

The UK is a relatively informal country at work, especially compared to the far east. I do hope you are as mindful of the culture there, as Yellow Jumper is of her chosen home. Extreme formality can make you seem along and not a team player. You don't need to crush the PA for being British and not getting your cultural and person preferences. Be kind, she doesnt mean any harm.

aloof not along! personal not person! Bloody autocorrect!

That's ok Flappy I would have got what you meant...probably

I reckon she is either inexperienced at PAing and possibly work in general OR she is an older, very experienced PA who thinks she is too 'good' to be OPs PA because OP isn't important enough.

I had very similar issues with my much younger assistant last year. I work with a lot of people in Asia and Africa, and titles or last names are used regularly when addressing people. I don't even call my friends by their first name without A title when I know there should be one. If someone is older than you, the correct title has to be used.

She would also ienthuse about my personal life or ask me personal questions that were none of her business. Whatever you do, don't add her to your Facebook or except a friend request from her. I tell anyone who asks now that it's against our organization's policy.

Good grief - who turns around to their boss and tells them their name is 'adorable'?!

Right? I mean, that's just inappropriate behaviour. Didn't you get to interview your own assistant, OP?

the examples i have aren't banter - they are genuinely what these people are known as

Utterly weird IMO.

On point two - all PAs\EAs gossip amongst themselves. I have worked for some very challenging senior people and discussed with my partner or other assistant buddies. Depends exactly what she has been saying I guess!

The name things is just damn rude imo.

I have a name xy (2 syllables) and I introduce myself and want to be called x.

Think Matthew and Matt.

My ds is the opposite and uses his full name and hates shortened version and introduces himself as (e.g.) Joshua. He refuses to respond to Josh after he's said he doesn't like it.
He does however have a nn which is his initials (e.g.) JJ. It quite common for this to happen.

He has a few teachers who refuse to use nn (fair enough) but also refuse to use full ma e as alternative - and I back him up when he refuses to respond.

It's basic respect.

With the calendar it's perhaps that in a previous job she could chat more freely about elements of the personal diary? It's not ok but not necessarily malicious.
I'd politely draw the line in the right place and hopefully it'll stop.

She sounds very young.

Sorry but not all PAs gossip between themselves. I am very long in the tooth and this is not the way to carry yourself as a PA.

The general assumption is that anyone with half a brain can do PA work. The reality is that there is little to no training and many young PAs cock up/spill the beans/treat their boss like a pet to their detriment.

Tell her it is like inspector morse! No one called him endeavour!

As for the gossiping I would say check your work email usage rights
I know if senior staff who have abused this and got in hot water

Carrying on with your own cultural practices is fine, but asking other people to follow yours will not always go well

If its something that makes no difference at all to them, and would be polite to do so, they should do it.
In fact cultural norms and standards of politeness in the UK dictate you should address people as they wish you to address them, so it fits perfectly.

user1495915742 - I have been a senior PA / EA for several years. Everyone I have ever worked with gossips about unreasonable bosses! I have gone home and told my partner about my crazy boss sleeping with prostitutes and charging strip clubs to his expense account for example.

Of course face to face with my bosses I act professionally.

Most PAs I know have degrees, are well paid and have been on one of those professional PA courses.

Are you saying the op is an unreasonable boss then Polarbear?!

Yes, there are lots of degree educated PAs out there but there are quite a few people who give it a go with little to no understanding of what the job entails. It sounds like this is one of those scenarios.

An important part of her role is based on trust. By gossiping about your activities she has broken this trust. You need to speak to her about this otherwise this is just not going to work. As to issue 1, you want to be addressed according to your cultural preferences. Fair enough. However, I agree that sometimes compromise based on the business norm needs to be embraced.

OP, if the culture at your company is to call people by random names, first names, last names, etc (as you have said) then that's not a typical workplace and as such, it is not unreasonable to insist to be addressed by your last name. Personally I would find it rather confusing to be in a workplace with such a culture.

I do not think there is anything wrong for British people to expect others to adhere to their cultural norms in a British workplace. I am certain that most people in my country would not be happy if a British person came and insisted on imposing their ways on others.

Its just choosing what name she personally wants to be called though.

Not imposing any "ways" on anyone else