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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pest elderly neighbour asks me to film my child with his camcorder?

156 replies

SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 20:29

Hi,

I had a good relationship with my elderly neighbours, until I stopped commuting to go on maternity leave. Ever since, they he has become a complete pest whereby I cannot leave my house, front or back without him coming out and calling to me to start a conversation. My husband works away a lot (is a cameraman) and the behaviour is definitely worse when he's away - to the point where it's verging on obsessive. He will also knock on my door two times a day and due to the layout of my house, he can see through my door glass that I'm in.

Last week he cut a whole in our garden fence - when I asked him what had happened he said he'd created a 'serving hatch' for me.

Today, upon leaving my house, he asked if he could join me for rhyme time at the library, which I reluctantly allowed to only have him later knock on our door again, camcorder in hand, asking me to film footage of my daughter crawling. I was to keep the camera and use it to capture her up to her 1st birthday. I explained my husband's job and that it wasn't necessary as we have plenty of cameras and he refused and continued to tell me how to use it.

Now is it just me, or is this strange?
Also - I can't sustain this level of his interest - what do I do? I'm becoming very fed up and not using my garden because of him.

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 28/06/2017 01:41

His behaviour is certainly odd. He does sound lonely though. I'd definitely speak to his wife, perhaps she's as concerned as you are.

kali110 · 28/06/2017 02:32

My first thought wasn't creepy, but that he may either be lonely or very unwell.
If this is sudden it may well be the start of dementia.
People can do rather unusual things with this.
However this is not your problem.
(I would possibly call ss though or speak to his wife about his behaviour).
Then i'd block up this 'hatch'
Is it in a fence, or a hedge?
If it's a shared fence then yes he is liable to fix or pay however i wouldn't hold your breathe on that, i'd simply block it yourself.
What did you say when he did it????
Please put a pic up!
Give him back the camcorder.
Say thankyou, but you have found one of your dh's.
Next put something up so he can't see inside your house!
If you're out and he tries to talk, just be polite and say 'sorry can't stop, things to do' etc
I don't think you were wrong inviting him originally, you did a really nice thing!
In other circumstances it may have worked out.

BigYellowJumper · 28/06/2017 02:36

Please set boundaries. If for no other reason than because you are your daughter's role model, and she will learn about setting appropriate boundaries from you. If she sees you not being able to say no to people because she is 'too nice', that is what she will accept as being normal for herself too.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 28/06/2017 03:10

I would worry about when your child gets older re: the garden thing. You can't watch them every moment, and the whole 'serving hatch' weirdness makes me feel very uneasy.

I would actually move, I think!

Laiste · 28/06/2017 07:42

I wouldn't get DH to take the camera back, it would be better if you do it yourself.

If DH does it it might register in the guys mind as DH getting in the way of the two of you and that it wasn't your idea to return the camera.

I would actually move if this isn't intended to be your 'forever house'.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 28/06/2017 07:57

Yeah, I think I'd speak to the neighbours too.

See how him having fallen out with them looks from their point of view, if it's just not talking and awkward nods to each other across the street then great, but if it's more then I'd be inclined to talk to your husband given that it's you two that have to live next to him, and you on your own a lot of the time.

FaithAgain · 28/06/2017 08:07

I think I'd have a word with his wife privately. Say that he was kind but he's overstepping the boundaries now and could she have a word? I'd wonder about his MH too. Maybe put a note on the door saying Do not knock, baby trying to sleep as a way of stopping him?

vikingprincess81 · 28/06/2017 08:11

Probably should clarify - I suggested you get dh to take back the camera as if neighbour's intentions are to be a creep, at least he'd be aware that you do talk to dh and to present a united front - abusers rely on shaming their victims/make you think you're mad/on the victim minimising their actions (again, IF his intentions are to be a creep - he may be unwell - I, and no one else, can tell you that) but if someone set boundaries with me, I wouldn't think they were unreasonable, I'd be impressed they were standing up for themselves. Good luck OP FlowersWine

SheSaidHeSaid · 28/06/2017 08:26

Some very good advice on here but what I really want to know now is what the hole in the fence looks like?! Also, you call it 'your fence, is it actually yours which he cut a hole in?

RolfNotRudolf · 28/06/2017 08:36

To OP - the motives of your neighbour - whether he is sad, mad or bad, really don't matter here - you cannot control what he does or thinks. What you can control are your responses to him, so you need to learn to be assertive and learn to say no to requests you don't like. The more you say yes the more he will push boundaries, and the higher his expectations of your compliance will grow.
You can say no AND be a good person.

waitforitfdear · 28/06/2017 08:39

Wow creepy. You have had great advice here op.

sticklebrix · 28/06/2017 08:58

This sounds odd and he is definitely crossing boundaries. I would feel very uncomfortable. But it sounds socially unaware rather than creepy to me. You say he has fallen out with other neighbours so I wouldn't want to antagonise him but you need to be more assertive.

'Bob, we've decided to get started on the toddler proofing before I go back to work and are going to close the serving hatch and make the garden secure' then put up privacy fences

Put up blinds.

user1493630944 · 28/06/2017 09:02

I just don't get this British politeness that means people suggest saying he is being kind but....He is not being kind, he is an interfering, intrusive individual who is preventing the OP living her own life in her own home. He needs to be told in a manner that makes him stop, words wrapped in cotton wool 'we know you mean well.......' are unlikely to work.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 28/06/2017 09:08

I agree. The very fact that he is doing it while your husband is not around menas he is well aware of what he is doing, and as with many, many predatory men, is relying on the fact that women have been raised to shut up and not 'overreact'.

thethoughtfox · 28/06/2017 09:19

He could be grooming you for access to your child. The next natural steps would be him offering to take your child to the group on his own to 'give you a break' or offering to look after her so you can pop to the shops.

TolpuddleFarterOATB · 28/06/2017 09:25

I'd say definitely grooming. He's testing the waters to see where your boundaries are.

Babyblade · 28/06/2017 09:32

We have/had a similar problem with a neighbour visiting us daily - but thankfully not as intense as yours because he wasn't directly next door.

He too lives with his wife and our solution was to speak to her. She had a quiet word with him and this allowed us to set better boundaries for his visits. He now only visits once a week at an agreed time, and sometimes misses those visits too which is blissful.

One thing we realised with our neighbour is that he had zero understanding of social norms and accepted etiquette (he's probably ASD but at the age of 80 wasn't diagnosed) so we can actually be quite rude to him. It feels awkward at first, but your own privacy is more important than his desire to be involved in your life.

Flowers + Good luck!

Coastalcommand · 28/06/2017 09:36

He's trying to be nice. I'd just be 'busy' rather than confronting him.

zzzzz · 28/06/2017 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493630944 · 28/06/2017 09:52

No way is he 'trying to be nice'!

metalmum15 · 28/06/2017 09:58

I agree with everyone else here, time to get assertive. To be honest, I think you must be a saint for putting up with it for this long. I'm a fairly polite person and I don't like hurting people's feelings, but by now I would have dealt with it. Start distancing yourself, and certainly don't invite him places again. (Sorry, but I think taking him to the library with you is just plain weird. )

One thing that struck me is you said his wife is never in alone. So every time he goes out, she goes too? I find that very strange. If he's this controlling with you, then he's probably even more controlling with his wife.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 28/06/2017 10:13

I thought my neighbour was odd, yours is definitely worse. Agree with previous posters, it doesn't matter why he is doing it, you need to keep him at arms length. Get your DH to return the camera, put a curtain up so he can't see into your house and block off the 'serving hatch'. Then when you see him breeze by and say you're in a hurry if he tries to stop you.

Maman79 · 28/06/2017 10:14

Sounds like he is lonely but you are totally right to be on your guard when it comes to your daughter. Does he have any interests or hobbies maybe you can encourage him to join local groups and he can meet people there. You will have to distance yourself and just say you are busy, not matter how bad you feel. Write down all the bizarre stuff he does as a record and be assertive and tell him politely you are not available. If he doesn't get the message you will have to maybe get your husband to have a word. Could you talk to his wife?

Foniks · 28/06/2017 12:10

How strange! Give back the camera asap. Like a pp, I'd also be paranoid about it being able to record and listen while you're not aware it's doing so. This whole situation is so odd that that happening wouldn't be that out of place.

Definitely get his wife involved in this too. I wonder if he was like this with other neighbours and they fell out when they told him to stop. His wife might be totally used to it.

SparklyMagpie · 28/06/2017 12:15

Yes hand back the camcorder and start being asseritive. Block up that hatch also!

Makes me feel uneasy thinking about it