Pest elderly neighbour asks me to film my child with his camcorder?

[SprogPlusPup]

Hi,

I had a good relationship with my elderly neighbours, until I stopped commuting to go on maternity leave. Ever since, they he has become a complete pest whereby I cannot leave my house, front or back without him coming out and calling to me to start a conversation. My husband works away a lot (is a cameraman) and the behaviour is definitely worse when he's away - to the point where it's verging on obsessive. He will also knock on my door two times a day and due to the layout of my house, he can see through my door glass that I'm in.

Last week he cut a whole in our garden fence - when I asked him what had happened he said he'd created a 'serving hatch' for me.

Today, upon leaving my house, he asked if he could join me for rhyme time at the library, which I reluctantly allowed to only have him later knock on our door again, camcorder in hand, asking me to film footage of my daughter crawling. I was to keep the camera and use it to capture her up to her 1st birthday. I explained my husband's job and that it wasn't necessary as we have plenty of cameras and he refused and continued to tell me how to use it.

Now is it just me, or is this strange?
Also - I can't sustain this level of his interest - what do I do? I'm becoming very fed up and not using my garden because of him.

[SheSaidHeSaid]

Has the OP been back?

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

That hatch sounds like something out of a horror film - who knows what's going to be coming through it

[sadsquid]

I wonder if his wife tends to go out with him (rather than stay home alone) because she knows he's not well and she wants to keep an eye on him while out?

The reason for his behaviour is irrelevant in that, even if it was the most innocent thing in the world, it would still be intrusive as hell and the OP shouldn't have to put up with it. However, it's worth bearing dementia in mind as a cause because it'll make a difference in how the whole thing pans out. If he's losing inhibitions and doesn't understand he's being inappropriate, telling him off won't help. For that reason I'd try and talk to the wife first, while politely stalling any more gifts or attempts to come round.

[Monkeyinshoes]

I agree with PP who've said he knows what he's doing else he wouldn't only do this when your DH isn't there.

Also wanted to say, don't say "thank you but..." when you give back the camera. Saying thank you means you appreciate the gesture, you don't. Giving a reason for not accepting will make him think you would have accepted it if it weren't for reason x. So he'll keep testing, finding more things to give and do. Just state the facts "I've brought your camera back, I don't want it."

[RoseTico]

I can't believe someone actually came out with "bless him". He's making you so uncomfortable in your home, ahh bless him...

He's pushing at your boundaries, seeing what he can get away with. You need to show him where they are. Now, or you won't feel safe letting your dd play in her garden. Take the camcorder back. Don't accept any gifts. Block the hole in the fence. Put up curtains or privacy film so he can't see what you are doing. And just start saying no, or that you're busy and can't talk. It sounds like he's becoming possessive of you and your dd when your dh isn't around, and it will get worse the longer it goes unchecked.

[RoseTico]

If it makes you feel any better I expect it's you he has the interest in, not your dd. The "take footage of her every day for me" stuff could just be about control, getting you to do things for him.

Pretty much everything you mentioned is right out of the Creeps Playbook, especially the fact that he's very interested in you now that you are outwardly more vulnerable than you used to be - pregnant/young baby/alone at home when husband is working. Women are socialized to be helpful and sociable, and to see the best in people's intentions which can help these things spiral unfortunately. Does your DH know the full extent of it?

[user1495025590]

It sounds like dementia to me .That is the most likely explanation of strange behaviour in the elderly
Some of the replies on here make me sad , that there is so little awareness.

[PlayOnWurtz]

Another one suspecting dementia. Speak to his wife

[RoseTico]

It sounds like dementia to me .That is the most likely explanation of strange behaviour in the elderly
Some of the replies on here make me sad , that there is so little awareness.

With dementia, would he be able to restrict his behaviour to only when the OP's DH is out? That suggests to me that he knows exactly what he's doing. Some men just like to obsess over young woman, increasing age doesn't change that.

The OP could speak to the man's wife and ask her if things are okay - but it sounds like her neighbour pretty much has her under 24/7 observation so she may not get the chance. But ultimately it's fine for the OP to prioritize her own happiness and wellbeing.

[printmeanicephoto]

My first thought was mental health issues or Dementia.

[PlayOnWurtz]

The obsessive behaviour can be a symptom of it and if his obsessions are fixated on the op then that could explain it. Either way. Speak to his wife.

[whatsleep]

Has the OP returned yet?

[WTAAF]

If you're out in the garden, have a radio playing on a moderate volume right by the fence, it'll make eavesdroping harder. And yes, I'd seal up the serving hatch and practice polite and disinterested detachment going forward!

[JustDanceAddict]

Patch up fence & don't answer door.
That would make me feel really uncomfortable. Be polite and firm and say 'no'.

[coconutpie]

I would be seriously worried that he is trying out get access to your DD .. you say this has ramped up since you had your DD and now he's given you a video camera and this hatch in your garden fence? Major alarm bells. I would cease contact with him immediately, hand the camera back and tell the wife what he has been doing.

[user1495025590]

I doubt a paedo would ask you to film your baby crawling.He could find hundreds of videos of this freely available on the internet.

I would talk to his wife, She will be abler to say whether he has dementia.I think making the hole, and especially referring to the hole as a serving hatch is indicative of this

[mumoseven]

Do the 'holding your coat and bag' thing when you answer the door. If its someone you don't like 'Oh I'm just on my way out!'. If its someone you like 'Oh, I just got in!'.
He does sound unhinged though, and you seem lovely, but he needs to back off. I really would hate to be in this situation.

[MagicMarkers]

When I was a teenager and my mother was a single parent an elderly, married neighbour kept coming over to visit while we were at school. She told us later that he "propositioned" her. He told her a cock and bull story about his wife refusing to have sex for 30 years after being traumatised by a miscarriage early in their marriage. My mother refused him and they fell out and the "dropping by" stopped (thank goodness).

He obviously thought she must be gagging for it, because she was single. Your neighbour turns up when your DH is away. He sounds creepy. Why isn't he giving your husband gifts or dropping around to chat to your DH?

[milliemolliemou]

The OP hasn't been back for a bit.

To me it sounds like MH issues and someone who hankers after children because ?he hasn't any? and also possibly someone who was a photographer himself. OP says he's been kind and helpful though clearly has pissed off some neighbours. It may be evil but OP is controlling the camera he lent her so doesn't need to use it at all or just return it.

However it is clearly oppressing OP and I second returning the camera to his wife and checking with the neighbours. And a curtain over the front door (great in winter anyway) and evasion tactics when he comes calling.

Then perhaps OP and husband can visit the NDNs together when he returns from filming and having a frank discussion.

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

whether he has dementia.I think making the hole, and especially referring to the hole as a serving hatch is indicative of this
Yes, I think you're right. It's a really weird thing to do but makes perfect sense to him.
But as Rose said, if dementia wouldn't he be acting like this most of the time, not just when op's on her own?

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Are you okay OP ?
Whether your neighbour has dementia or not, this situation is intolerable, and still needs addressing. Try not to worry, your husband will be back soon.

[ShowMeWhatYouGot]

Oh god, this must be horrible for you :( it's such a horrid feeling to be on edge in your own home.

Please be careful, and don't be alone with him again.

Hope you manage to sort things out x

[provider5sectorzz9]

I seem to remember that he has a history of neighbour fallouts, so even if he has some cognitive impairment now that's probably not the whole story

[user1495025590]

if dementia wouldn't he be acting like this most of the time
No not necessarily and ,like anybody he would react differently in different situations