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Original poster

Pest elderly neighbour asks me to film my child with his camcorder?

156 replies

SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 20:29

Hi,

I had a good relationship with my elderly neighbours, until I stopped commuting to go on maternity leave. Ever since, they he has become a complete pest whereby I cannot leave my house, front or back without him coming out and calling to me to start a conversation. My husband works away a lot (is a cameraman) and the behaviour is definitely worse when he's away - to the point where it's verging on obsessive. He will also knock on my door two times a day and due to the layout of my house, he can see through my door glass that I'm in.

Last week he cut a whole in our garden fence - when I asked him what had happened he said he'd created a 'serving hatch' for me.

Today, upon leaving my house, he asked if he could join me for rhyme time at the library, which I reluctantly allowed to only have him later knock on our door again, camcorder in hand, asking me to film footage of my daughter crawling. I was to keep the camera and use it to capture her up to her 1st birthday. I explained my husband's job and that it wasn't necessary as we have plenty of cameras and he refused and continued to tell me how to use it.

Now is it just me, or is this strange?
Also - I can't sustain this level of his interest - what do I do? I'm becoming very fed up and not using my garden because of him.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 27/06/2017 21:18

Its such a shame that there arent more opportunities set up for people like this to help out at playgroups or schools, it must be so awful to be lonely and have all that time on your hands.

TenForward82 · 27/06/2017 21:21

Storm, I'm sure there are places he could volunteer at if he was so inclined.

CPtart · 27/06/2017 21:22

"Set a time of the week to share with him"!! Do nothing of the sort. Nothing to do with being a paedo, this is totally weird and inappropriate. Board up the 'serving hatch' and don't answer the door, he's making you feel uncomfortable in your own home and this will escalate before you know it! Not your responsibility.

StormTreader · 27/06/2017 21:24

"Storm, I'm sure there are places he could volunteer at if he was so inclined."

Are there? I hope so, I just suspect that men might be viewed with suspicion around small children. It just seems a shame that neither he nor the OP are really happy - he probably would like even more time, and hes already coming across as stalkery as things are.

SuperBeagle · 27/06/2017 21:26

Even if he is just an innocent old man who's lonely, it's not the OP's job to fill that void. That's something for him to sort out.

TenForward82 · 27/06/2017 21:27

Storm, I'm pretty lonely. I've managed not to harass any of my friends or neighbours, nor have I cut a hole in anyone's fence. This man might be lonely but his behaviour is inappropriate. Stop excusing it.

StormTreader · 27/06/2017 21:30

Where am I excusing it? Ive already said hes coming across as stalkery! Youre reading what you want to read.

All I've said is that its a shame he has all this time and energy to give and no outlet for it where it might be helpful.

bobbilyknob · 27/06/2017 21:31

How odd. Has he taken a photo of you in the fence serving hatch? I'm sure I've seen a similar set up in a gardening group on Facebook.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 27/06/2017 21:35

Bloody hell, creepy as fuck. This is just totally odd behaviour and way out of line. Patch the hole, give the camera back. (And I would be thinking about moving in your situation, seriously. I've had nuisance neighbours - you can rein them in for a bit, then they start pushing boundaries again and it's just so fucking exhausting you can't enjoy your own house any more).

justkeepswimmingg · 27/06/2017 21:37

Sounds like he's from the generation of 'it takes a village', back when neighbours would treat each other as family. I would be frustrated too as he's completely over stepping boundaries, but it sounds like he isn't aware that he is, as you've allowed him to get away with it (trip to library etc). I'd say he just sounds like a lonely man, who sees himself as some kind of grandparent figure in your DDs life.
He obviously needs to know that it's not acceptable, and you are finding it all too much. You need to tell your DH for start, especially if you feel awkward speaking to the neighbour directly yourself.
Sounds exhausting OP, hope it's resolved soon.

elphabathegreenone · 27/06/2017 21:37

.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 27/06/2017 21:40

The filming and DVD and wanting to go to rhyme time would have my alarm bells ringing. This is not normal neighbourly behaviour at all. I'm slightly concerned because my neighbour recently told the DCs he was having a clearout and gave them some toys, except they are brand new and the only relative I've ever seen is a grown up son in law, he has also told them he will have more. I expect he is being kind but given how over friendly and tactile my DD is, I am keeping an eye and have reiterated about strangers. The stuff in the OP is far worse. How long until your DH is back?

Original poster
SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 21:41

@confugled1 - this is some really great advice. I think I will give it to his wife. I see her fairly often at her door - but nowhere near as much as him. There is little chance of catching her without him as she doesn't seem to stay in alone.

@zzzz - everytime I am in the garden, he'd call me over to hand e strawberries or a screwdriver because he can see my trellis has fallen, or some garden wire for a plant that's drooping. So he created a serving hatch.

He is undeniably listening and watching 90% - my mum commented on the fact that one day recently, despite not having a garden table and chairs in his garden (the whole thing being taken up with two sheds) he was out all day, listening to our family BBQ. Someone in the party even commented on his roses blocking my sunlight (they grow up my fence) and I came out to him hacking them down the next day.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 27/06/2017 21:42

Who the fuck cuts holes in a neighbours fence without discussion and their permission!!!!
Tell him and his wife you are not at all happy with the "serving hatch" as it is an intrusion into your privacy.
And you will NOT be videoing your DC for him as frankly that's weird and creepy.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 27/06/2017 21:42

Can we drop the "perhaps it's his age" thing? My dad's in his late 70s, he knows to respect people's boundaries. My grandmother (born in the 1910s some time) would have found this weird behaviour. I have elderly neighbours who are perfectly able to understand boundaries - we chat politely in the street, keep an eye on each other's houses when we're on holiday, but we do not invade each other's lives.

bimbobaggins · 27/06/2017 21:46

The video camera , hole in fence all sounds very strange but fgs why on earth would you let him brow beat you into accompanying you into the rhyme time. Say no you are not happy with that and repeat until you are blue in the face. Don't worry about upsetting him he is completely overstepping the mark. You need to show your daughter you are assertive enough to say no, not just allowing a man you don't want to come with you to an event just because you can't say no.

I know she is only a baby at the moment but start as you mean to go on

Zafodbeeblbrox10 · 27/06/2017 21:47

Sounds like a nonce! Or maybe unfortunately sandwich short of picnic. I wouldn't oblige, either way

zzzzz · 27/06/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 27/06/2017 21:54

I wouldn't be doing any sugar coating here. I'd hand him back the camera soonest, together with your dh if possible, saying 'We won't be filming our daughter on this; it would be entirely inappropriate'. Stop answering the door to him. Board up the hole. Start refusing his gifts of fruit etc politely but firmly. And I'm really not one for the whole 'call 101 and get it logged', but actually I might be thinking of getting some kind of professional afvice about this - perhaps speaking to the NSPCC, or SS (re him, in case this is health-related, and re the potential concern for your child).

HeteronormativeHaybales · 27/06/2017 21:54

Argh. Advice.

whataboutbob · 27/06/2017 21:56

Another possibilty is it could be the onset of dementia. There are various types and obsessive behaviour can be a symptom especially with those that affect the frontal lobes. If he did not use to be like this, but the bizarre behaviours have ramped up over last months/ years it could be an explanation. I'm inclined to think, poor guy. My Dad had dementia and could be quite challenging at times.

quizqueen · 27/06/2017 21:59

Is the 'serving hatch' an actual square cut out of the fence or it is cut on three sides and hinged to open. Is it your fence? If it is yours I would say to him that he has no right to damage your property and you will send him a bill for a new panel. If it's his fence, I would nail a piece over wood over the hatch hole on your side. You do not need permission for that. I would return the camera when you can see his wife is also there and say, 'Not only do you not need it, you are not prepared to take photos of your child for him'. When he comes to your door, let him see you are in but do not answer the door. When he catches you outside, just whizz by and say that you are late for something and cannot stop to talk. In the back garden just wave and turn away when he speaks. You should not tell him where you are going and should not have taken him to the library. He will be there next week now!!!!

StaplesCorner · 27/06/2017 22:06

My next door neighbour was exactly like this, initially just over-friendly, in his early 70s. Actually he was a great help to us when we moved in. We got used to his funny ways. Then one day after my 2nd baby was born we began to notice his behaviour getting worse, and when she was a few weeks old he cut down our tree at the front of our house. I had no idea what he'd done I heard a saw but I was at the back of the house all day.

That was the beginning really, and 10 years later he died of complications related to dementia. Every day before he was terribly disabled with it, he'd knock on our door several times with a book, or a plant pot or tools, insist we had to borrow them, then demand them back the next day (we'd stolen his stuff!!) and woe betide anyone who left a door open, he'd be straight in. No barriers and no inhibitions. Poor old sod, but he drove us all mad and was a danger to himself. Definitely talk to the wife.

Tequilamockingbirdturd · 27/06/2017 22:13

If I was you I would have an honest chat with him, explain that your not happy about the fence and ask him outright why he's so interested in your daughter, also mention that his visits are becoming so frequent they are starting to be a little intrusive, you say he's still got a wife so he can't be that lonely. If he is in need of company maybe you could look on line and print him off a list of oap groups or find out what his interests are and point him in the direction of them. I think if it was something dodgy he would be more discrete. After the chat and suggestions to him hopefully that should sort it out. If it doesn't then you need to be firm or get husband to have a word, don't think you should go guns blazing just yet :)

SaltyBitch · 27/06/2017 22:16

Photos of the fence... pretty pretty please!

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