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AIBU?

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Original poster

Pest elderly neighbour asks me to film my child with his camcorder?

156 replies

SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 20:29

Hi,

I had a good relationship with my elderly neighbours, until I stopped commuting to go on maternity leave. Ever since, they he has become a complete pest whereby I cannot leave my house, front or back without him coming out and calling to me to start a conversation. My husband works away a lot (is a cameraman) and the behaviour is definitely worse when he's away - to the point where it's verging on obsessive. He will also knock on my door two times a day and due to the layout of my house, he can see through my door glass that I'm in.

Last week he cut a whole in our garden fence - when I asked him what had happened he said he'd created a 'serving hatch' for me.

Today, upon leaving my house, he asked if he could join me for rhyme time at the library, which I reluctantly allowed to only have him later knock on our door again, camcorder in hand, asking me to film footage of my daughter crawling. I was to keep the camera and use it to capture her up to her 1st birthday. I explained my husband's job and that it wasn't necessary as we have plenty of cameras and he refused and continued to tell me how to use it.

Now is it just me, or is this strange?
Also - I can't sustain this level of his interest - what do I do? I'm becoming very fed up and not using my garden because of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 20:44

@Jowithabow - diary is a good idea.
@ArtemisiaGentilleschi - he doesn't want to film her but the camcorder is alone and he will make me a DVD apparently. I protested the whole way and said I have cameras etc. but he carried on anyway.

OP posts:
MrsD79 · 27/06/2017 20:44

Tell him to basically back the fuck up. Regardless of his age!

Original poster
SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 20:44

@peafacemcgee - naively I thought it was him wanting to give us space as DH isn't home very often.

OP posts:
Original poster
SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 20:45

a loan*

OP posts:
JoWithABow · 27/06/2017 20:48

I'd be concerned about the video camera and DVD thing tbh, esp after your update. It's just odd. You need to be assertive and rude if needed, even if there's nothing dodgy and he's just weird/lonely it's unwanted contact.

ijustwannadance · 27/06/2017 20:49

They sell that glass film stuff in wilko too.

Put something over 'hatch'. Cheeky fucker making a hole in fence.

Do not tell him where you are going.
Tell him to stop invading your privacy.
Stick a note on door saying fuck off please do not disturb.

IHaveACrapCat · 27/06/2017 20:49

Could you have a quiet word with one if the other neighbours? Find out if he's fine similar in the past?

If they've all lived there years and have frosty relations with him then there must be a reason, whether it be lack of privacy with others or something else

Original poster
SprogPlusPup · 27/06/2017 20:49

Thanks guys; I think I just needed to be told, rather thank wonder about it to myself. Now to action.
The fence thing pissed me off as it's my effing boundary!

OP posts:
LovePeaceAndHarmony · 27/06/2017 20:50

He doesn't want to film her but the camcorder is alone and he will make me a DVD apparently

So basically he wants you to do the filming, but he wants to make the DVD? alarm bells would have rung straight away for me. I am not one to judge or jump to conclusions, this could all well be inoccent.. but I would not be willing to take that chance, if you can't tell him face to face how you feel, write him a letter.

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/06/2017 20:52

He has been taking liberties - the fence thing is like he thinks he knows best now. Def agree with talking to other neighbours too.

mamalovesmojitos · 27/06/2017 20:54

I am a tolerant, easy going person, but this sounds alarm bells for me. What the! Take a firm line and don't back down. Don't feel guilty! He sounds creepy af.

happypoobum · 27/06/2017 20:55

Creepy.

Stop answering the door to him. Get DH to go next door and say you are finding his visits too much and he is to stop.

SuperBeagle · 27/06/2017 21:00

Wow. Totally creepy, and the wanting to make a DVD thing is definitely a warning sign.

Slimthistime · 27/06/2017 21:01

tell him to piss off
Do not be nice
Men like this don't get nice
He will grope you next
I live alone - trust me, this shit happens all the time

NeopreneMermaid · 27/06/2017 21:01

If it's your boundary (ie you own the fence), ask him to replace that panel or bill him for the replacement with a, "Please don't damage my property at again."

Tell him you need him to respect your privacy and your time with your family (ie baby but "family" includes your DH).

'Please do not disturb' sign on door. Don't answer it.

"I'd prefer to go to Rhyme Time alone with my baby to have some quality time with her, thank you."

"Sorry, can't stop, I'm on my way out." when he collars you leaving the house.

I find it helps to have phrases prepared in my head when dealing with persistent types.

ToadsforJustice · 27/06/2017 21:04
Hmm
stellacat123 · 27/06/2017 21:04

I've got the creeps about this guy and haven't even met him. If he's lonely that's a shame but in no way does it mean he can invade your space. You should be sending your husband around to return the camcorder and have a chat with him about the garden fence, coming to the door daily, going to rhyme time etc. I wouldn't think he'd be at all happy with this behaviour around you or you daughter. You need to be assertive and give him a clear message as difficult as you may find it, and don't cave in after doing so! Good luck xx

ShmooBooMoo · 27/06/2017 21:04

Is his wife ever home alone? I'd have a word with her. Also, seal up the hatch and if he continues to be pushy tell him only family view film and photos of your child. It could be innocent (loneliness, lak of grandchildren etc) but I don't think it is...it's just 'off', esp the increased contact. He's overstepping the mark. OOI, does he ever appear when your DH is about, or does he ever have his wife in tow when speaking with you? I'd love to know the cause of the feuds with neighbours...could you ask any of them?

highinthesky · 27/06/2017 21:05

Time to go back to work. Your lack of availability and obvious busyness with family duties means you will have to be strict with your time and organisation for it to work.

Use the weekend to contact an EA - for it is best to move on now.

TenForward82 · 27/06/2017 21:10

High, are you suggesting OP goes back to work to avoid her neighbour??

ShmooBooMoo · 27/06/2017 21:14

High A house move is not the answer here...assertiveness is!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/06/2017 21:15

Creepy man.
Make sure your DH addresses the issue when he comes home, this neighbour either has the onset of Dementia, or he is a complete pest.

confuugled1 · 27/06/2017 21:15

Is the fence one that belongs to him or to you or is it a shared one? if it is his, then I guess he is allowed to cut a hole in it - but equally you're allowed to stick something over it (even if you have to construct it next to the fence rather than nail it to the fence) so that he can't look through. Have you looked through it from different angles or from above to see if he has a spot that he sits and spies on you - is there any reason he chose that bit of the fence rather than a metre or two further along, and why it's that height rather than a bit higher or lower? Being very paranoid, if you can figure out where he is hoping to sit/stand and look through you'll know if he is watching your bedroom window or your lounge window or your garden or whatever - that might give you a hint as to his reasons for doing this.

With other paranoid hat on - if he has given the camera to you then at least it means he is not using it to film you... but do you know for sure that he hasn't bugged it in any way - if he was so insistent on you having it, any chance that he could have put something in it that means he could listen in or watch - check it doesn't pair up with bluetooth or appear on your wifi. I'm usually really sceptical but having seen some of the tiny cameras that have been put into other things as spy cameras (eg nanny cams) I would be having a good look at it and putting it in a cupboard or box or something so it couldn't do anything... (yes, I know, OTT paranoid!).

I would also give it back to the wife - say that the husband insisted you have it but that you and your dh have so many that you really don't need or want it, as you'll be using your own kit, but that you thought that they ought to have their own camera to film things when they're next on holiday or whatever... That way you're also subtly involving his wife - she'll either say she wondered where it was, or what on earth was he thinking, or that they don't need it as they have another one or ???, which again might give you some clues and will also hopefully mean that she might talk to her dh. And if you say something along the lines of it was very sweet of him to want me to borrow the camera but he really didn't listen when I said we didn't need it, how do you think I could have handled it better? maybe she will help to tell her dh to wind it in a bit. Also say that you were really upset by the damage to the fence and could she get him to repair it please...

Try and have some lines ready if he comes to the door - sorry, can't chat, I'm rushing around getting ready to go out/I'm running late/need to get supper sorted/really not convenient to talk at the moment (don't feel you need to say anything further about why or what you are doing - none of his business, you don't have to tell him).

Next time he asks about rhyme time or coming with you just say sorry, it's not convenient this time and that you now need to dash off but you hope he has a nice day. And then go and don't look back so he can't engage with you again.

Doesn't really matter to some extent if he is doing it because he is dodgy or just lonely - the effect on you is the same and he needs to calm it down.

good luck!

zzzzz · 27/06/2017 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 27/06/2017 21:17

Id be raging about the hole in the fence and he needs to replace the panel asap. That's criminal damage, ffs and a massive invasion of privacy.

In respect of him calling round several times a day, next time he does this, refuse whatever he's offering and ask him to stop calling round. Certainly don't offer to let him accompany you anywhere. Return anything he has lent you. This is obsessive/controlling, as opposed to nice old gentleman. He needs to be kept at a distance. Ask the neighbours why they have fallen out with him.

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