Pest elderly neighbour asks me to film my child with his camcorder?

[SprogPlusPup]

Hi,

I had a good relationship with my elderly neighbours, until I stopped commuting to go on maternity leave. Ever since, they he has become a complete pest whereby I cannot leave my house, front or back without him coming out and calling to me to start a conversation. My husband works away a lot (is a cameraman) and the behaviour is definitely worse when he's away - to the point where it's verging on obsessive. He will also knock on my door two times a day and due to the layout of my house, he can see through my door glass that I'm in.

Last week he cut a whole in our garden fence - when I asked him what had happened he said he'd created a 'serving hatch' for me.

Today, upon leaving my house, he asked if he could join me for rhyme time at the library, which I reluctantly allowed to only have him later knock on our door again, camcorder in hand, asking me to film footage of my daughter crawling. I was to keep the camera and use it to capture her up to her 1st birthday. I explained my husband's job and that it wasn't necessary as we have plenty of cameras and he refused and continued to tell me how to use it.

Now is it just me, or is this strange?
Also - I can't sustain this level of his interest - what do I do? I'm becoming very fed up and not using my garden because of him.

This all sounds decidedly odd. It is not normal. My dad would never have dreamed of behaving like this.

He cut a section out of the fence? If it is your fence, block it temporarily with something and ask him to repair the damage, or you will do so and he must foot the bill.if it's his boundary, block it from your side.

You don't have to answer the door to him. So what if he knows you are home. Don't answer if he knocks.

Don't say yes when he asks to come with you to the library. Just smile politely and say sorry, no and move on.

If he makes you feel uncomfortable, say I'm sorry, i am sure you mean well, but you are making me feel very uncomfortable... and walk away.

Do talk to his wife, she might be able to reign him in....

If he wasn't like this before, then it could be dementia. Would it be possible to confidentially let his GP know?

I agree with @whataboutbob

It sounds all very exhausting for you but maybe there is something else going on for him. Not your problem I know. Maybe try talking to his wife and try scheduling an hour or two a week to have a brew with him and try and set some boundaries.

He sounds like he has bizarre behaviour.

I'd be inclined to call social services, but call up adult social care because he sounds like he might actually be a vulnerable adult.
They'll be placed to tell him to back off from asking to video you etc and they'll also be able to get him assessed and referred to groups that can support him. (Or, if they don't feel he's vulnerable, they can also refer to police/safeguarding).

In thr meantime, be friendly but firm, don't be steamrolled and get your fence fixed.

Oh, and give the camcorder back to him.

If it's new behaviour for him I'd worry about early dementia. However either way you need to be clear and firm with him.

I agree that this is bizarre behaviour, and shows a lack of inhibitions. Whether it is due to loneliness, and he is craving contact with a substitute family, or whether this is predatory behaviour is not something strangers can work out over the internet. As others have already suggested, loss of inhibitions in the elderly would make me a bit suspicious of early dementia, particularly frontal lobe dementias. You can quite often lose inhibitions and develop inappropriate social behaviour.
I agree it's important to politely give back the camera to his wife and explain that you appreciate the kindness, but that you don't feel you can accept it. I think you might be able to have a chat with her where you can tactfully say that you have appreciated the kind gifts of fruit etc but are not managing to get through it all.
I think if you manage to break the pattern of contact for a couple of weeks this might set a bit more distance between you. Could you arrange lots of activities out of the home during your DH's working hours over the next couple of weeks, so he will not be able to pester you in your own home? Once he has got used to not being able to bother you through the day he might find other things to do with his time and it might make life easier.

I really hope you find a solution: I would find this pestering very tough! I'm so glad our neighbours are a good quarter of a mile away in all directions! (Live rurally, and very grateful for it).

Really, really creepy behaviour. The fact he won't take no for an answer is a big red flag, people who do this don't care about you, only what they want you to do for them. Now it might be that his ulterior motive is harmless (i.e. maybe he is just lonely, though cutting a hole in your fence is a very odd way to show that). You must trust your instincts.

Stop opening the door to him, even if he can see you're in the house or rings the doorbell 100 times. Ignore him. If you bump into him in the garden and he asks you for something or tries to give you things, say no to him with no apologies or excuses. Say no and move on, walk away or shut the door if you have to, just don't let the word "no" become the start of negotiations. Be firm.

Go to the local police station and ask them to check him using Sarahs Law.

Stop accepting things from this man, you know his behaviour is weird. It amazes me hoe much weird behaviour people accept from strangers just so they can continue appearing polite and nice. You should have hopped this in the bud ages ago. He appears obsessed with your child. Stop communicating with him and ask you DH to deal with it in his return

Stop encouraging his behaviour. I wouldn't answer my door when he knocked. Get something up at the windows or doors so that he can't see in. Start saying no to him and he should start getting the message hopefully. Get some annoying wind chimes up outside or along the fence so he finds it difficult to hear your conversations! But a bamboo tree up along the cut out hole in the fence!

Who knows? He could be a creepy stalker, he could have some sort of dementia. He does ring my alarm bells as a vulnerable person who needs help. Less so as a paedophile but none of us are experts, are we? I suspect

OP, as others have said, from now on you need to politely but firmly decline any other requests and say it's inappropriate/makes you uncomfortable. Give him or better still, his wife the camcorder back and explain to her what he'd said. She may be aghast, she may have seen it all before, but I think his behaviour is odd enough that she needs to know. Since you're able to talk to her, I'd then leave off talking to social services unless he persists. As I say, I do think he's just as likely to be a vulnerable, possibly deteriorating old man as a stalker or child abuser.

This rings massive alarm bells to me, I had a very (scarily in fact) similar scenario when I lived in a flat, my next door neighbour was an older gentleman who was always very friendly and chatty.

However as with you this progressed to him talking to me every day, every time I left the flat he would come out and on one occasion when I didn't want to be bothered he went around the flat knocking on all the windows and shouting my name

He was also very interested in my then young dd (3yo) buying her gifts, trying to talk to her etc.

Anyway to cut a long story short this all accumulated to a situation whereby I had a friend babysitting dd and he turned up claiming he was there to collect her my friend had the common sense to send him packing and i called the police as soon as i heard about it. The police spoke to him and I told him to stay well away from us, luckily not long after that he decided to move anyway

Op your neighbours behaviour is not o.kay and you need to tell him to back off.

Maybe he's fallen out with other neighbours because they don't tolerate his inappropriate behaviour. Time to join them, perhaps. Letting him accompany you to the library was just really, really weird. Have plenty of excuses prepared for anything similar happening again and scale right back on all your contact with him. Do not answer the door. If you want to tell a white lie, tell him your DH has asked you not to answer the door to people when you're home alone.

Girliefriend that made my blood freeze.

Why wasn't your neighbour charged with attempted abduction Gf ?

Sounds like he is 'grooming' you. Ignore him and tell him repeatedly you are not interested. There is no reason why you should feel any obligation to be friendly to an elderly but highly intrusive neighbour. He wouldn't be doing this to a man. Report to police for criminal damage re: hole in fence.
Of course there is a chance he has dementia but that is not your problem, focus on your own family and baby.

I had a neighbour like this. I figured she was just lonely but it got to the point where I didn't want to go out in my garden and sometimes snuck out my house so she wouldn't hear my front door go and come out to chat. She could see in to my house from hers as the houses were staggered and used to call me out to the garden to chat even though I might be in my bra ironing in the kitchen or hair dye on my head.

I was so glad I moved in the end and do feel sorry for the person living there now.

Good question Jayne I was angry about it at that time but apparently because he didn't actually do anything the police couldn't charge him they were quick to tell me not to go round telling everyone he was a paedophile though!!

Makes me feel sick when I think about it tbh.

I haven't read all the thread but there was a similar thread on mn a couple of years ago, again an elderly man trying to take picture of his neighbours child.

I think taking into account what has happened with other neighbours you are going to need to be cruel to be kind. You need him to back off and give you space to enjoy your house - I think you need to be clear with him where your boundaries are and remind him every time he steps over them. So no you don't want a hatch in your garden thanks, although if its his hedge all you can do is put something in the way of it. When you speak you say hello but you have to get on etc. Even down to Its nice to talk to you but I am just going to have 5 mins to myself in the garden - you carry on with your jobs etc. He is inappropriately involved and needs boundaries - I would do Sarah's law check but not sure re police or adult social care until I was certain something was wrong and he wouldn't back off.

Return the camera (or have DH do it)

Patch the 'serving hatch' or if it is his fence, plant a bush or put a potted plant in front of it.

Get curtains or blinds for your door. The film you can put on windows can still show 'shadow movement' behind it in certain lighting conditions.

I think it would be enlightening to speak to some of your neighbours. You mention him being on the 'outs' with some of them. It might be interesting to know if it was for the same/similar reasons and what they did about it.

It doesn't really matter why he's doing all this - all that matters is that you're feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
Serving hatch - I see that as a test of your boundaries. When you didn't say anything (not blaming you, just saying what happened) he stepped up to asking to accompany you to sing time, when that was allowed he stepped up to the camcorder. It may be innocent or not 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't know, but it doesn't matter.
People will push your boundaries for a variety of reasons, but if you're feeling uncomfortable or creeped out then you are totally within your rights to stop it. I hear that you want to be nice, but is he being nice? Bothering you, messing with your property, making inappropriate requests, and OP - he knows what he's doing or he wouldn't do this only when dh is away.
I agree with other advice - keep walking when you go out 'cant talk, must dash!' Patch up the hatch, get dh to return the camcorder, and if he expects to come to sing time (or worse is there waiting for you next week - because people who don't respect boundaries do this) then the answer is no. Don't give a reason because that's opening up a negotiation. 'No, that doesn't work for me' if 'no' is too harsh. If he tries the 'poor me' thing, remember he's pushing your boundaries and not being respectful - you're not obliged to be nice and let him.
As for the glass doors? Your doors/phone are there for YOUR convenience - if you don't want to answer your door/phone then that's your right. If he comes round 5 times a day and you finally get fed up and answer, then he learns the 'price' of getting you to answer is 5 visits. (This is info usually reserved for people with stalkers - read your 'Gift of Fear' books MNers! but it's relevant here) you're obviously uncomfortable with this which shows he's overstepping your boundaries - a few small changes will hopefully make life a lot easier. Best of luck

he can see through my door glass that I'm in
put a curtain up so he (and other people) cant see that you're in and stop answering the door to him

You need to speak to his wife- he sounds a little unwell. Surely she has an opinion on the serving hatch!?!