To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

Who is in the wedding party and do the groom and sisters boyfriend know each other. You have not really answered the fact that the sisters boyfriend is according to you the best man

It's not the wedding that is the problem but it's the symptom of the problem.

Nope. It's not even a symptom of the problem. Nobody is obliged to have anybody in their wedding party.

That's not to say there isn't a problem, but you're going about it all the wrong way by picking this as your hill to die on.

Raise the actual issues with your DH. You're not comfortable being guarantor for their flat. You think the contribution to the wedding is too high. It's fine to have those concerns, but whether or not your son is included in the bridal party is nothing to do with you.

I understand that you want your DS and DSD to have a better relationship (although goodness knows why when you have such contempt for her) but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that. She's an adult and she can choose who she wishes to maintain a close relationship with.

FFS OP, sit down with your DH and let rip at him with all the angst that you are misdirecting at your DSD.

Your problem is your DH. You know your problem is with your DH. Tell him exactly how you feel, and ask him to support you and put you first for once. If he cannot, then you need to decide what you want to do going forward.

Haffiana, I am going to do that. At least we will discuss it properly.

I'm at a loss to know why expecting respect from anyone but especially your child is so wrong. If my son is disrespectful, I will pull him on it. Obviously I don't sit him on the stairs anymore but I'll certainly talk to him.

I dont want any medals for anything, and I'm well aware she didn't choose me or my son, just as she didn't choose her parents or siblings.

Why is it disrespectful for your DSD not to have your DS in the wedding party?
It's very different from not acknowledging a birthday or being rude.

rookie, read the rest of op posts, explaining.g about her step dd behaviour towards her and her dh

I don't think it's disrespectful in the slightest. He's not her brother or half brother so technically he is no relation.

He's invited along with other guests which is all I would of expected.

I have nothing to do with step families own chidren now we are older, they aren't relations and there was no friendship there. We haven't invited each other to weddings etc.

and I'm well aware she didn't choose me or my son, just as she didn't choose her parents or siblings

It's not the same thing and you know it. Or you should do!

You have such an odd view of this whole thing.

I'm at a loss to know why expecting respect from anyone but especially your child is so wrong

It doesn't sound like your husband has done much to earn anyones respect.

She is not being disrespectful by choosing who SHE WANTS in her bridal party. Your nose is out of joint over this and you are bringing other things in to justify your opinions to get posters to side with you. The fact it comes back to your DS not being in the bridal party , it's even in your username. I doubt you were too bothered about your dh being guantor or paying for the wedding you just don't like it when things aren't going your way. Your DS doesn't even know so hasn't kicked up a fuss which TBH I don't think I am 19year old would be too bothered.

My goodness: she is being disrespectful going into her dad and ops house, rifiling through their cupboards, and their personal stuff, and criticising them to her mother. And in their way that she expects and is behaving like a spoiled madam towards her dad and op, as she knows she will get away with it. She has no boundaries and treats her dad and his wife like rubbish, yet expects them to fund her and give her what she wants.

Ok so DSD is (according to OP) disrespectful in many ways.

It still does not mean that she has to make her stepbrother sit at the top table.

The DH is paying for the wedding not the OP. I subscribe to family income but in this case it's a commitment to his family that he made to pay for this.

Putting unreasonable conditions in his DDs wedding plans is not the way to go at all.

regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum.

Change the locks, get her key back, and lock your bank papers away from any prying eyes.

TBH OP, I think I would have a migraine on The Day and just sit at home with a huge pot of tea and a good book and let them all get on with it! (In fact, I'm getting a migraine just reading this thread, and I don't have the stress of it in my life.)

IMO your DSD is being spiteful and disrespectful, but if your DH won't stand up to her, there is sod all you can do about it. He's a soft touch, she knows it and takes advantage of it, and he lets her. Nothing more to be said.

Let your DS decide whether he wants to go to the wedding at all, and whichever choice he makes, support him in it. Don't get him a "penguin" suit or whatever - but if he wants a smart suit or new clothes to go, treat him to them.

I think that when your DSD is a Married Woman, your DH should stop supporting her (that doesn't mean he can't treat her every now and then, or help the young couple out in an emergency, obviously) - if she's old enough to be married, she's old enough to finance and run he own life. (I doubt you'll get the Soft Dad to agree to this, though.)

If you can't get him to stand up to her, even at the risk of her stopping speaking to him (it won't be for long - she's too greedy!) then you are going to spend the rest of your life being trodden on, shuffled aside, and speaking through gritted teeth in order to keep your temper. Is it worth it? Only you can say.

Sounds like my house. Both have adult DC from previous marriages. My DH often arranges a big family meal around birthdays etc and always ends up footing the bill for his adult DC and their families . This impacts on me financially as we pool our money so obv. less to go round for a few weeks after this big free for all. I know l'll never change this and l often wonder if it's because we go to an Italian and DH comes over all patriarchal godfather 'taking care of everything' and lm not too bothered about that in itself but the real rub for me is l always have to remind him to invite my dd and dgc and have to really push and meither him to count them in the booking. Yet my dd always insists on paying for herself and my DGC , yet one SS gets up and goes as soon as finished last mouthful without even checking who's paying what and just presuming daddy is paying ( he's late twenties btw) and his other family do a really half hearted offer to pay sometimes but DH easily dismisses. None of them so much as stick a bottle of wine on the table or buy a round of drinks after though could easily go up and pay separately in a fait accompli kind of way. As l say none of this would bother me half as much if DH was open to including my dd and dgc who is the only one not out for a free meal on him basically.

Has your son given any indication that he is hurt or at all bothered at not being in the wedding party? If not, let it go, graciously pay for the wedding as arranged but once it is over you need to do several things. First, you need to take her key off her and explain that while she is welcome to visit any time when you are home, she has no reason to be there when you are not. Or change the locks but you need to speak to her about her behaviour regardless. She should be grateful for all you and your husband have done for her DESPITE her lack of respect for you both. Then, as already suggested, you need to stop being her guarantor for her rent - she does not deserve that and she and her new husband should be dealing with that themselves. Or she could ask her mother! The lack of respect and taking you both for granted is not acceptable from any child, especially when they are adults.

I think YABVU expecting your son to have a role in the wedding and your OP was very misleading, making out he wasn't invited to the wedding.

YANBU re DSD letting herself into your home and rifling through your stuff. I would change the locks and tell DH to address any other issues with her.

What a spoilt brat! Although I have to say weddings can bring out the worst in people! Of course your son must go, how on earth could she do that especially as you are paying for the wedding! Why don't you buy him an outfit and just say how excited he is to be invited and hope she doesn't disagree?
With regards snooping around your house - change the locks and forget to give her another one! You can just say someone tried to break in or the lock broke! I don't envy you

I got the idea from your first post that your son had been excluded from the wedding. As he has actually been invited then, hurtful as it is, I would just ignore the snub. It doesn't matter, she is clearly a nasty piece of work spoilt child and your son can enjoy the wedding without having to do any of the boring bits. But your DH should have sorted her out by now, she's obviously a real cow and has needed house training for years.

Honestly? Without reading past the first page, I would stop paying for anything wedding-related. Let the rude, ungrateful stepdaughter fund her own wedding and party.

When we got married we wanted the same amount of men and women in wedding party. We wanted my only sister, my cousin and my sister in law. This meant we wanted best man (DH brother) and 2 ushers so he picked his two best friends.

If we needed 3 ushers it would have been awkward because the next 4 of his close friends are equal and would be awkward to choose between them so we might have then looked at my sister's boyfriend as evening the numbers without causing upset in the friend group.

If she is doing it to exclude him that is very mean. You have to worry about her if she would use such a special day for that purpose. Is your son upset?

He will see her married. Please just leave it.

Sometimes what seems wrong to us just hasn't been thought of by the Bride.

This is her wedding not yours, and anything you say will make you into the bad SM, so smile and just let it go, it will be over soon, and her dad must have wanted to pay, once she is married you may find she chances, and i would change the door locks, as about time she stopped reporting back on you...

Can't believe some of the posts on here saying SHE can invite who SHE wants. We all know that's a true statement, however, taking feelings into consideration, is it something most people would do?

You've been in this 'childs' life for many years, you've included her as part of your family, and I'm sure you wouldn't have allowed your own DS to do what DSD has done. YANBU AT ALL to be hurt and upset!!

To exclude your DS from the wedding party I would take as a huge snub, whether DS is bothered or not, I certainly would be.

Step or 'blended' families can be incredibly difficult..

Dinner He's invited, he's just not a groomsman.

Tell her to pay for her own wedding, stop rummaging through the house and learn some respect for people, oh and see if you can get out of the guarantor role too, spoilt girl!