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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should be included?

277 replies

Leftoutofweddingparty · 26/06/2017 07:16

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 27/06/2017 18:38

Your dh is the problem here. Surely he could say something to dsd. If it were me I'd be more annoyed with guaranteeing her rent and paying for the wedding which doesn't appear to have been agreed with you.
I'd probably fake a migraine on the day too.

rookiemere · 27/06/2017 18:39

Much as I believe in the concept of family income, in this instance the DF is the wage earner, is it really appropriate for OP to make the decision to stop funding his DDs wedding ?

bemusedmoose · 27/06/2017 18:40

I'll be blunt....

She's a complete cow!

Holly12345 · 27/06/2017 18:43

The same sort of thing always happens to my brother ( he is my half brother ) but we never really ever thought of him like that and constantly my fathers family neglect to invite him to weddings and other occasions even though they were invited to his and some still didnt bother to attend ! Its bloody heartless and pisses me off, i would be very annoyed and if i was u would probably fuck it off myself to stay woth my son, not saying thats what u should do!! But would deffo annoy me !!

usernamenonumber · 27/06/2017 18:44

Agree with rookiemere, OP has said it's her husband's money.

Lots of people seem to think the OP's son hasn't been invited. HE IS INVITED

usernamenonumber · 27/06/2017 18:45

Christ, there's another one.

cocaloca · 27/06/2017 18:56

OP - you sound lovely & like you've really tried. Sounds like the DSD has a real chip on her shoulder, sadly.

You must feel let down - this can't be positive for your own marriage. Maybe that's what she wants.

Don't do anything too rash - it's not like he's not invited.

I would warn DS before the day. Sadly this exclusion game of hers will play out in photo groups etc as well ... it is a game to her, childish...

Time to have a chat with your DH about your unhappiness with the uneven treatment? Again?

Jux · 27/06/2017 19:02

You sound like you've gone above and beyond, but actually too above and beyond. Your dh and your dsd are both taking advantage of this.

Try talking very very seriously with dh, making it very clear that if your ds is not treated and considered part of the family equally, then you will be taking a very big step back too. That your first loyalty must be for ds now, as no one else seems to feel the need to fight on his behalf, and everyone's got to have someone in their corner so you are now firmly there and regret trying to pretend that your dscs were as important as he is to you.

Also tell him you expect the guarantoring to be limited and that his dd needs to be told what that limit is. That she needs to learn that she has to contribute herself, and he should only stump up enough for a flat, not a house. She needs to learn and he's not doing her any favours by not teaching her.

He may blow up, he may take it on board.

alisonyawn · 27/06/2017 19:05

I do think you are being slightly unreasonable. When I got married I had two bridesmaids and one flower girl, my niece was the flower girl, on my side of the family (brothers daughter).

My husband chose his best man, and had one usher. That was it.
His sister (who didn't even come to the wedding!) decided that her sons (husbands nephews on his side) were going to be dressed in the same suit style as the wedding party. Didn't ask, and even got them button holes in our flower colour and style.
Now I have nothing against these lads, however it was up to my husband if he'd have wanted them in the wedding, abs he didn't. We barely know these lads as he isn't close to his brother or sister.
Due to this, our photographer kept trying to get them in all the wedding shots, of the wedding party, which we didn't want. It stressed us both out, and put a slight dampener on the day (we didn't let it get to us massively, and he just flat out said at one point "they aren't in the wedding party!".

She sounds like a spoilt, untitled, little brat. However it is her day, not yours. Stop some of the funding would be my suggestion.

Howlongtilldinner · 27/06/2017 19:09

peach yes I do realise he's been invited, but as 'extended' family not within the wedding party, which I think is a real snub.

It's never nice to be excluded, but in this situation it's horrid.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 27/06/2017 19:12

I would warn DS before the day

Warn him of what exactly?

Whocansay · 27/06/2017 19:23

I think this is ridiculous.

You are throwing a hissy fit and trying to cause a rift between your DH and his DD for no reason.

Brides choose bridesmaids. Grooms choose ushers. I assume the Groom isn't especially close to your son and would rather choose his own friends and family?

You are making this all about you. It's not about you. It's about them.

38cody · 27/06/2017 19:57

Don't tell us - tell her. And change your locks.

peachgreen · 27/06/2017 20:06

Howlong Why should the groom have to choose his fiancee's step-brother (who she is not particularly close to) as one of his groomsmen?

Crazyunicornlady · 27/06/2017 20:27

If he is invited to the wedding then I don't really see the issue, there are only a few designated roles and whilst the bride chooses bridesmaids the groom chooses his ushers.

OP do you have a designated role to make you part of the wedding party? You aren't mother of the bride or presumably a bridesmaid so I'm assuming your part is as 'wife of father of the bride' or similar - that surely means you can spend the wedding day with your son?

I think the bride sounds very spoilt but I also think your expectation that your son is included is a little entitled

tup77 · 27/06/2017 20:35

I think there have been some very judgemental and unfair comments on here OP. I suspect they come from people with no experience of step-parenting as I have 3 DSSs and known how hard it is. my DH sounds a lot like yours - he has given his sons thousands of pounds over the years, bailed them out of countless situations, moaned and complained but ultimately never draws a line. He also has a very one sided view of 'family'. At our wedding his brother was best man and his 3 DSs were ushers yet he pulled a face when I asked if my brother could also get a hired suit.

We have a 3 year old DS together and therefore, whilst we haven't been in this situation, I can totally understand how you feel as DH favours the DSSs over my DS (and that's his own son!).

I would agree with the others that if you make an issue of the wedding then you will play into DSDs hands and she will tell everyone what a bitch you are. Rise above it all, sit with DS and let DHs extended family see her for what she is. There are bigger issues with your DH obviously but those can be discussed separately (although in my experience this rarely results in any change so I just give up!).

Hope you can have a nice day at the wedding anyway x

Tapandgo · 27/06/2017 20:38

Think you are being a door mat to let anybody rummage through your home to 'report back' and then throw parties for them. She is mean spirited and immature - don't encourage her. Reality check needed - and change your locks!

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 27/06/2017 20:39

I suspect they come from people with no experience of step-parenting

You lose that bet.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 27/06/2017 20:51

I think you're focusing on this issue because you don't feel like you can address any of the bad behaviour which is directly aimed at you and your DH. Honestly it sounds like she needs to be cut off from financial support, if she's old enough to get married - she's old enough to look after herself.

I do think it would be odd if your son would be the only member of the family to be sitting on his own, but I doubt he's bothered about the rest. He probably accepted what type of person she was years ago.

Howlongtilldinner · 27/06/2017 21:49

peach I think it would be the right thing to do in my opinion, and that is what I would expect my own DS to do.

All the siblings and partners have been included, the OP's DS is the only one excluded, I personally think that's not right, and I would be very upset in this situation.

Motherbear26 · 27/06/2017 22:00

For fucks sake, the DSD is a grown woman and well able to consider the feelings of others, particularly those who are bankrolling her. At my wedding the top table was rammed. As well as all the usual suspects I had my DM partner (not DSF, as they met when I was grown up), my chief bridesmaids' new boyfriend (they'd only been together 4 months so he hadn't met any of us yet, but it was apparently serious. Thank god they stayed together!) and my DSIL (her DH was my DH best man so obviously had to be on top table but I didn't think she'd appreciate being left with our mutual SIL alone so we seated them together). To me, weddings are as much about the guests as the couple. I couldn't have relaxed knowing others might not be happy so I tried my hardest to accommodate everyone's needs. I think your DSD is awful, she may not see your son as a brother but he obviously sees her as a sister and I feel that she should try to acknowledge that, if only by allowing him to wear a suit and be an usher. Ushers do bugger all anyway so it couldn't hurt.

Your DH is also wrong for disregarding your feelings and those of your son. I think in this situation you need to be the bigger person and rise above it, but I think you must also resolve the bigger issues with your DH asap. You cannot go on as you are being walked over by this spoiled brat. Good luck with it all.

Ifeelsuchafool · 27/06/2017 22:45

Her wedding, her choice. Her father is paying towards her wedding, the fact that you're married to him now is irrelevant. He was her father before he was your husband. Your son isn't excluded from attending the wedding. You can't force her to see your son as part of her family if she doesn't want to. YABU.

Lovingit81 · 27/06/2017 23:06

Flowers for you OP. There is no way on earth I would stand for this. If your DH doesn't say anything pronto (which he should unless he's a total wuss) I would give her heaps of shit for this behaviour. Tell her to pay for her own wedding if your son is not 'family' enough! Defend your son to the death, sounds like she needs a royal kick up the ass! You will never forgive yourself if you let this go. Best of luck x

BoysofMelody · 27/06/2017 23:25

A wedding issue.

A wedding non-issue.

There, fixed it for you.

Hanab · 28/06/2017 00:57

OP sending you a virtual hug - I would think it'd be common curtesy to invite your son to be part of the wedding party but obviously not many people agree .. it's tough being a step parent even more so when DH doesn't have your back .. or your son's for that matter .. DH in my humble opinion is the main problem .. he needs to grow some b...s and be fair all round .. when you got together you had a son and he had his kids .. both are package deals .. if one must compromise so must the other ... but now DSD is an adult and must adult .. nothing wrong in DH helping out but he doesn't have to be a doormat to her .. and from what I can see you are to him ... maybe it's best to just let this issue slide as much as it is hurting you ... when all the festivities are over have a heart to heart with DH and air out your issues ... my advice is probably crap but it is what I would do .... stay strong best wishes x

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