To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

But the guarantor forms are just the means for getting the flat - surely they will be paying.

I agree you are angry at the wrong person which I think you are beginning to see

Being a guarantor isn't just signing a bit of paper, it's a legally binding contract to foot someone else's debt. Not something that should be entered into lightly.

I'm sure your 19 year old DS can get over the disappointment of not being at the top table with his step siblings. He will presumably be sat with you his DM at another table so nothing to comment on or say to him at all.

Don't rent him a wedding party suit- that would be absurd.

I know that your DHs ex sounds hostile but its his DDs wedding FGS , if he's asked to sit at the top table then he should bite his tongue and sit there.

Actually sounds like the DSD can't win with the seating. The DF won't sit at top table if the DM is there, but doubtless he will be terribly sad and upset if not at the top table. Meanwhile step brother is meant to have a place there.

OP you really do just need to suck these wedding arrangements up. If you start encouraging your DH to make waves about your DS then you're just aggravating the situation.

By all means encourage him to talk to his DD about the size of the guarantor loan but not the wedding seating.

But the guarantor forms are just the means for getting the flat - surely they will be paying.

It's not just a means, it's a huge commitment. What if DSD decides she no longer wants to pay? Ahe sounds entitled. If she lost her job, she probably would expect her father to pay the rent, and he would have no choice.

Dh says how upset he is that she's getting married, says he's disappointed in her choice of groom

and by your own admission, is a crap parent and a rubbish step parent. You really got a prize there, OP.

He needs to be a parent, not just bank of Dad. If he thinks she can't afford a house he needs to say so and tell her he will be guarantor for a lower rent property but not one more expensive. She's obviously grown up thinking daddy is a soft touch. Standing up to her and actually being a parent doesn't mean he will lose contact. It might be rocky for a while when she realises life isn't going to be so easy, but she should come round. At the moment she has no respect for him anyway.

Her husband to be gets to choose the male roles - other than the best man and ushers I don't think there is much else! Being an usher is not a huge deal. You have to remember bridesmaids partner the ushers and if their boyfriends have been chosen it might just be for this reason and nothing against your son? I can see why you are upset - it's making you feel like she is not recognising you or your son as important enough family members. To be honest I think you are better investing your time in your son - maybe when she has lost your attention she might appreciate what you have done for you. Also have you asked your son how he feels about things? He might not want a role anyway.

But the guarantor forms are just the means for getting the flat - surely they will be paying

If the daughter stops/refuses to pay the rent then the Bank of Dad is then legally responsible for the unpaid rent.

LTB

Being an usher isn't a huge deal, I agree. So why not make him one so everyone in the family is included?

He also says he is upset that they have told him they are getting a 2 bedhouse to rent rather than a 1 bed flat. He will just be given the guarantor forms.

He doesn't have to sign them. He can say no. It's whether he is able to stand up to DSD or not

Of course he can stand up to her, he chooses not to. That's really what this whole thread is about isn't it?

So why not make him one so everyone in the family is included?

Because that's not what a wedding party is for. OP, you have plenty of legitimate concerns around your relationship with your DH and DSD - your DS not being in the wedding party really isn't one of them, and by fixating on it you're making yourself look petty.

She can have whoever she wants in her wedding party. End of story.

Being an usher isn't a huge deal, I agree. So why not make him one so everyone in the family is included?

Because she doesn't want to, doesn't have to, and thats not how these things work.

Exactly what peachgreen said.

Have you asked - nicely, non-confrontationally - why your DS isn't in the wedding party?

Have you asked about seating arrangements at the ceremony and reception?

Those are OK to ask about- perhaps they haven't considered how it will be if DS is sat on his own, or perhaps they're already a bit stressed about the top table nightmare of warring DM and DF, and it's a compromise somehow?

I agree your DSD sounds a bit entitled and your DH sounds like an eejit for being dictated to by a 20+ yr old, but it may be that on this occasion the "snub" is not to you.

Speak with her nicely- it's OK to say you're a bit surprised DS is not in the wedding party, and take it from there. Your DH won't do it for you, and anyway it'll be better coming from you.

No she doesn't have to. I don't have to be involved with her and care about her, but that's part of being family isn't it?

I don't just ignore her because I don't HAVE to talk to her or do nice things for her.

I don't have to be involved with her and care about her, but that's part of being family isn't it

I think this just shows what is wrong with your attitude. YOU chose to make a new family out of existing parts, she did not, none of the children did. You chose to take on step children, so yes you did have to be involved and care about her. She did not choose to have a stepmother and a stepbrother, and she does not have to choose your son as part of her family because of your choices.

You're coming across as self centred and petty.

No I haven't asked nicely yet. I'm not in the right frame of mind yet and only found out yesterday.

If I'm honest I think she'll take delight in knowing I'm upset and I don't think it will change anything.

I know you don't know but I have been nothing but kind to her and so has my son. He really thinks of them as his siblings.

Again: making an effort to maintain a relationship with your step-daughter is NOT the same thing as including your step-brother in your wedding party. Surely you can see the two things aren't equivalent?!

Does your son actually give two shits about being an usher, or whatever?

Should I not have taught my son to be respectful to her then, I wonder? He always remembers their birthdays and is fun to be around them. Will give them lifts, and will include them on fb posts etc etc.

All normal stuff.

But only one way.

I do know that you should do things with a good heart and not expect immediate reciprocation. I think we have both proven to be good supportive family members to all my dp children and I'm proud of that.

It's not the wedding that is the problem but it's the symptom of the problem. It isn't good for anyone's self esteem to be used.

Should I not have taught my son to be respectful to her then, I wonder

Petty petty petty.

I think this just shows what is wrong with your attitude. YOU chose to make a new family out of existing parts, she did not, none of the children did. You chose to take on step children, so yes you did have to be involved and care about her. She did not choose to have a stepmother and a stepbrother, and she does not have to choose your son as part of her family because of your choices.

This^^ just respect that she's doesn't see your DS a sibling in the same way she does her biological siblings. Just get over it already. She hasn't got to do what you want her to do.

Should I not have taught my son to be respectful to her then, I wonder? He always remembers their birthdays and is fun to be around them. Will give them lifts, and will include them on fb posts etc etc.

Of course they are going to be polite to one another.

I do know that you should do things with a good heart and not expect immediate reciprocation. I think we have both proven to be good supportive family members to all my dp children and I'm proud of that.

Do you want a medal ? Thats how normal people function they don't need to be rewarded for it.

It's not the wedding that is the problem but it's the symptom of the problem. It isn't good for anyone's self esteem to be used.

Who has used who she comes round to see her DF and maintain a relationship with him he so happens to be in a relationship with you who has a child. How is she using anyone?