To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

My top table was fucking enormous due to a huge blended/step/half/half half step family. It was twice the size of the other two tables for everyone else! Only way I could not cause WW3! 😂

You don't seem to be getting it OP.
It's her wedding, she and her DF get to choose who is in their wedding party. She doesn't see your son as a sibling and you don't get to tell her she needs to.
She sounds like a nightmare for some of the other things you've mentioned but you do sound as though you feel like you're owed a say here... you're not.

I really hate this attitude that DSM must be open, forgiving and accept all DSC as their own, but DSC can then completely exclude and disrespect them and their DC in return and that's ok. Common courtesy says otherwise. DSC shouldn't be able to wander through life mistreating people because their parents divorced.

In this situation OP has treated this girl as her daughter. I'm not saying the DSD has to see OP the same way, I'm just saying that a small token of acknowledgement that they are a (blended) family wouldn't go amiss here. I don't see my DM partner as my family at all, but he is important to my DM so we chose to include him is some small way by getting him a suit and sitting him with my mother. As far as I'm concerned it is just good manners to try to ensure no one feels left out on your special day. I do think the DH is to blame here for allowing this to go on so long and not challenging this behaviour. I suspect that he doesn't see the DS as family himself which says more about him than the DD. I honestly think you need to step back from all this after the wedding.

I think your husband needs to face up to the fact he is being used like a bank.

You need to tell him that if she doesn't pay he will be thousands of pounds in debt. is he willing to do this. Remind him you also pay towards the house, and you should have some say in all this.

As to the Wedding , I still think you should leave it alone, go and sit with your son, and don't make waves, let her mother be the one to wreck it, as anything you say or do will be twisted, and yes do put a spending block on the wedding, put your foot down with him, and say you need security as well..

I know exactly how you feel. My children have never even received a Birthday acknowledgement from from my now in laws family. When I met my husband we both brought two children to the relationship, we did everything together. My sister-in-law has 4 adult children and i have been invited to 3 of the weddings. My children have never received an invite, she bangs on about 'family first' all the time. I have no time for them now.

Tell her to pay for her own wedding if your son is not 'family' enough!

It's not OP's money paying for the wedding, its the brides father. She has no say in that.

TakeYourHorse she has a say if it's her money too and it sounds as though it is. I assume most people have 'family money' and I certainly wouldn't want any part of mine being spent on a DSD who shows no desire at all to except me or my child as a part of their family.

I completely understand that the DF would and should wish to pay for his DD's wedding. I just wouldn't want any part of my money going towards it. And I would make my position very clear to my DH.

*accept

Motherbear - I think you have summed up how I feel.

Ultimately a big wedding like this is not just about the bride and groom but about making a nice day for everyone. Whilst of course, you can have a nice day without being part of the wedding party, that's not really my point. It's about manners and respect and doing the "right thing".

There is a huge backstory and I can't recount all the little things that have happened and how everyone has reacted to things over the years. I think it is fair to say, however, that in his eagerness to not upset his children (which isn't about building good relationships because by his own admission he has a terrible relationship with DSD1) he has sent the message that DS and I are second class citizens within our family. DH ex wife has certainly added to that by her various comments over the years about us not being a proper family and by her denial to anyone and everyone that her daughter didn't live with her. Lots and lots of stuff.

I won't make a fuss either before or during the wedding. In fact, I am re-evaluating my marriage altogether and might not even be with DH by the time the wedding comes around.

Stop blaming your dsd for the problems you have inregards to your dh you are still unreasonable expecting your DS in the wedding party and numberous at 80% of posters have so. If you don't want to be with your dh don't but don't use this wedding as an excuse to blame her for your marriage breaking down

Yanbu at all ok. Sorry to say but she sounds like a bitch to have done this and she knew exactly what she's doing. Nasty, nasty person. If I were you I would not contribute to this wedding.
Fine if your dh does but you stand up for yourself and your son this once and don't let them continue to treat you both (you and ds)like This.

I think you are right to reconsider your future with your DH. He isn't supporting you or your DS. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you manage to resolve the situation. No-one deserves to feel like a second class citizen in their own family. Good luck Left.

It's about manners and respect and doing the "right thing"

What YOU think is the right thing. Neither your DSD or many of the posters here agree. There is no reason at all why a groom should choose his fiancees step brother to be in his wedding party. It's not the norm, it's not the done thing.
Even if he were her actual brother it wouldn't be the norm.

You have major problems in your marriage and family. This isn't one of them though. Your focus is shot to shit.

Ultimately a big wedding like this is not just about the bride and groom but about making a nice day for everyone. Whilst of course, you can have a nice day without being part of the wedding party, that's not really my point. It's about manners and respect and doing the "right thing"

Sorry OP, I completely disagree. It is 100% up to the B&G who they have in the wedding party roles. It's their day.

They don't have to have someone "out of respect" at all if they don't want to.

I honestly think it's very bizarre to expect a Step Sibling in the wedding party.

I have 2 Step Brothers, I certainly don't consider them close family. They are the children of the woman married to my Dad. I haven't known them all my life, we are not related and we are not friends. They are like distant cousins to me really, and I wouldn't have any of those in my wedding party either.

Well, I wonder if I should have left out one of the DSC from the wedding party when I got married?

ITS NOT THE SAME THING.

Seriously, how do you not get this? You HAVE to treat your new step children nicely, they do not have to treat each other as you would like them to.

WTF is wrong with you?

The above comment isn't actually serious because obviously I would be wrong to exclude one member of my immediate family from my wedding party - even if they are "only" step relations.

Donutcone - I think step familes are all different. Some have very little to do with each other, some do everything together and some in between.

Nobody has to treat anybody like anything in this world. Most of us choose to be kind to those close to us though don't we? Some of us are even nice and respectful to people on message boards who tell us there is something wrong with us. :-)

Yes, but you know that your son and DSD have not been the type of family to do everything together.

They haven't grown up together from birth, they haven't lived together full time.

They just aren't that close. You can't force her to feel something she doesn't.

You are wilfully blind. I'm beginning to feel sorry for your step children. 10 years of your attitude would make anyone behave badly to you.

Wow, some people are just so rude on here!

We all entitled to our feelings and opinions. I'm sure none of us are bad people.

I've taken on board the comments. Good and bad. I won't be saying anything to DSD. I will not let this be an issue, so thank you to all who have advised that. Thank you to all of you for your help. I will take my "attitude" away from this thread now.

WTF is wrong with you?

What's wrong?

8op8 has spent years trying to be a good step-parent to a child who has grown into a young woman who treats her and her son with contempt; her husband is so desperate to keep in with his daughter (who also treats him with contempt) that he is prepared to allow his DD to treat his wife as a doormat.

Husband expects OP to be welcoming etc to his bitch daughter, but isn't prepared to extend the same courtesy to OP's son, and is quite happy to put him a position where he may (or, of course, may not give a damn) feel publicly humiliated and which is very hurtful to OP even if her DS isn't worried.

Husband allows the vile fruit of his pathetic loins daughter of his first marriage to pry through private rooms and documents (which also belong to the OP ), demand money for various things (affecting OP as this is family finances), and report back to her spiteful hag of a mother purely to use trouble, and you ask what is wrong?

You accuse her of using this as an excuse to end her marriage - have you never heard of the straw that broke the camel's back?

Or are you the step-daughter Horse?

Is that why you are being so offensive to the OP?

I would be very hurt and angry if this happened to me and my son.

8op8 should read OP*

I was so incensed by Horse's spite that I missed the uppercase bar.

OP has spent years trying to be a good step-parent to a child who has grown into a young woman who treats her and her son with contempt

OR, as is increasingly obvious, OP has spent years tryin g to force her step children into her notions of a happy family, and they have understandably rebelled, including her husband?

Don't be so blind as to assume the OP of any tale is telling an objective one.