To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

This is ridiculous

She's not his family if she doesn't want him to be

She doesn't have to pretend her dad's wife's son is her brother if she doesn't want to, and she doesn't have to do that to demand that she is treated as her father's daughter!

You sound like an awful stepmother. You are the entitled one.

I cannot at all believe that you think there should be CONDITIONS on her being accepted as her father's daughter, and that pretending your son is her brother is one of them. It's really outrageous.

She's her father's daughter whether you like it or not, and you obviously both don't and never have. Of course she's entitled to everything from him that he would give his stepson - and more because he's her actual dad and not her stepdad!

It's really horrible how you think that your son is both your son and your husband's son, obviously and unconditionally (which would be fine by itself) but that your husband's daughter is not unconditionally his daughter. Let alone your daughter - that would be up to you, but fair if you expect your son to be your husband's son - but HE IS HER DAD. He really is. Not because of anyone's marriage, not because of anyone's behaviour - she is literally his daughter and it seems like you have never been able to accept that.

What kind of parent thinks that children have to earn their fathers like you do? Really really awful.

Yes i think you have quite a lot of issues with your dh to sort out. Just please not on your dsd's wedding day.

It's the one way road that sticks -personally I would draw a line under all of this feeling it had taught me a valuable lesson. I would work out what I wanted from these relationships. I would withdraw from all contact with DSD ie if she's coming for tea leave husband to deal with it. No point in flogging a dead horse. I would find out if I had any responsibility if something happens to husband when he is signed as guarantor. A difficult lesson for son but he needs to deal with it as speaking from experience it will get worse. I would hope he makes a decision to distance himself from her and future husband. Doormats can be bought quite cheaply in many stores.

She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family

To her he is extended family. He is not her brother, or half brother ,he is the child of her fathers wife.

When people mix families and everyone is happy and consider each other siblings etc, that's great. But its not compulsory. You don't get to tell this woman that her step brother is her brother, or that she has to treat him a certain way. It's not up to you, it's up to her.

Sorry I am another one who thinks that he shouldn't expect to be part of the wedding party. It is for the groom to decide who he wants anyway not the bride. Even if the bride has decided in this case it is not as though he is not invited.

'You don't get to tell this woman that her step brother is her brother, or that she has to treat him a certain way. It's not up to you, it's up to her.'

I think the issue is the dsd expects to be treated the same way as the ops ds, but it clearly doesn't work both ways.

As I've said before life with blended families is often unfair and expectations need to be adjusted or else the resentment causes massive problems.

Being treated the same by the parents is not a ridiculous request, and neither does it mean they have to treat each other a certain way. The two are not interlinked.

Myrtle I see what you're saying in other aspects but this is totally separate from the other family issues. I highly doubt DSD would throw a fit if DS's (hypothetical) fiancee didn't invite her to be a bridesmaid.

This is a wedding. The choices DSD and her fiance make about their wedding party have nothing to do with OP or her DH.

Get your own back in DS' wedding. Have DS2 be part of the party and relegate the idiotic one to the back. That'll show her.

No Groupie

You've got that all wrong.

Make her a bridesmaid and wear a fugly terrible dress.

To me it looks like you're making issues out of things that 100% don't need to be issues.
I get the impression you're quite a bit of a grudge-bearer / martyr.

Wow. Some appalling comments directed towards the OP. "Awful stepmother"? Come on.

TBH op is now saying why should she treat her like she would normally just because she's not ops DS in the wedding party. She should be made to feel welcome she is still your dh dd. It's appalling behaviour. Even as op continues to post she doesn't get the bigger issue that it's her on terms. I agree you don't sound nice step parent, if you were you would have accepted it wasn't appropriate and respected her wishes. She is entitled to a relationship with her dd as parents they may want to help their DC I don't see an issue on it but you sound resentful of it and even her. It would be interesting to hear her POV I would imagine it would be considerably different.

Is her sisters boyfriend best man? And does he have a friendship with the groom as if he does and then she has included her brother in the wedding party your DS is exactly where he should be, a guest at the wedding.

I think you are letting your feelings get in the way of seeing that in this instance she isnt doing anything wrong.

Obviously I can't tell you what sort of person I am or what sort of step Mum, but I have tried my best and genuinely care a lot about my whole family and am proud of all our children.

Of course, DH is entitled to a relationship with his DD. I have never said he isn't. I don't want to fall out with her either, I want us to all be happy together! I am a placid and empathic person. I am the person that everyone comes to with their problems! This might not come across in my posts, but I think I am just tired of biting my tongue and seeing DH's kids not parented or not even treated very well by either parent. Throwing money at DD but not being able to have a conversation about anything even slightly emotive is not indicative of a good relationship.

Op you're getting an unfairly hard time here!

How many people have said when you gift money towards a wedding it should not come with conditions it's so frustrating that your not just getting it. Its not a snub she's just not close even with him to have in her wedding party. I wasn't in my own db wedding party but other db was. You seem hell bent on causing problems that aren't even there. You need to drop the wedding issue and focus on other matters that's your not happy about address those

I initially thought that he wasn't invited at all and thought I was awful, but it's actually just the bridal party he's missing from. Is he actually upset about it, or is it more you upset?

I agree that she has the right to choose who she wants in her bridal party (perhaps she had hung out with the sister and her boyfriend in the past year and her fiancé really gets on with him? It's really the fiancé's choice when it comes to ushers etc). However I don't see why your husband,or you yourself, can't talk to her and tell her that you're feeling a bit hurt and left out in this wedding. You don't have to shout and scream. You've been part of her family for a while, you ought be able to talk to her.

And I don't just mean about this wedding issue.

Dh says how upset he is that she's getting married, says he's disappointed in her choice of groom, the fact they don't have any money to put towards it.

He also says he is upset that they have told him they are getting a 2 bedhouse to rent rather than a 1 bed flat. He will just be given the guarantor forms.

None of this, he readily, admits, he can speak to dsd about!

He doesn't have to pay for it but he has chosen to she didn't put a gun to his head. Her choice in the groom who I'm guessing have been together a long time from the age of 14 is irrelevant. Could they want a 2bed house to have DC? What difference does it make?

Of course it matters if the rent is nearly twice as much and they want dh to guarantor it. It affects us.

I'd always been someone to not have something if I couldn't afford it. Not everyone is the same, obviously.

Are they paying their rent though? Surely if you can help your DC obtain property that you do so if you can.

The thing is leftout , it is your home as well, how would she like it if you went through her private things, and criticised her home. Your husband sounds like a lemming, eventually it could destroy your marriage.

The resentment you feel has been building for years, and apparently your DH has never acknowledged that you have reason to feel this way. His unwillingness to address issues with your DSD, either through cowardice or a genuine failure to understand the inequalities in your family relationship have led to the current situation.

The wedding has merely brought to a head all that has been festering for a long time. The real issue is not the lack of a role for your son, but the lack of support from your DH, who sounds weak.