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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be included?

277 replies

Leftoutofweddingparty · 26/06/2017 07:16

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 26/06/2017 07:45

He's invited to the whole wedding. Don't worry about an official role. As others have said - you and your partner need to put on your big girl and boy pants and stop letting her treat you with so little respect.

Original poster
Leftoutofweddingparty · 26/06/2017 07:46

My ds hasn't been to a lot of weddings so is probably not aware of what he's been excluded from. I think he just thinks we will all sit together. Someone will have to point it out to him that it's not going to be like that.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/06/2017 07:47

Meant, stop doing so much for them, and letting them treat you and your son like crap. Judging by how they behave towards your son, I would not expect him to be part of the wedding party, at least he's invited, but they treat you like rubbish.

ladyvimes · 26/06/2017 07:50

I think you're over thinking it, it's probably nota deliberate snub, but I can see why you're upset. I wasn't in the bridal party for either of my brother's weddings even though their wive's siblings all were (and that they were both ushers for mine). I have a really good relationship with my brothers and have never said anything as I don't think it's worth falling out with them over, but I was really hurt, especially as they were each other's best men.

rookiemere · 26/06/2017 07:50

Sorry but on this YABU.
Its SDDs wedding she and her groom get to decide who's in the bridal party, whilst I'm sure you've been a wonderful stepmother over the years this doesn't mean that it has to be repaid by including your DS in the bridal party. It would be very wrong of you to demand that her DF stops paying for the wedding as some have suggested because of this.

Original poster
Leftoutofweddingparty · 26/06/2017 07:50

My husband told me that he would put his foot down if they didn't include him having a suit and being part of the main wedding party. He won't say anything about this though.

I am trying to be the bigger person. But I feel I am done now with her and trying and trying.

OP posts:
FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 26/06/2017 07:51

There are a lot of issues in your op that are a big deal.

Not being in the wedding party isn't one if them.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/06/2017 07:51

Stop trying to minimise your feelings and be the bigger person, and don't let them treat you guys like crap, which is what his adult children are doing! Put your foot down or it can affect your marriage.

FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 26/06/2017 07:52

As much as it is her right to do what she wants with her wedding I do think she would have been a little more considerate given you are footing the bill.
Not to sound harsh but she sounds like a spoilt, entitled little madam. I wouldn't dare go through my parents personal papers unless specifically requested by them.
Unless there had been some massive falling out between them it always pisses me off when new partners etc somehow make it further into family events than long standing family members.
I invited only the long term partners of close family to my wedding, I would hate to have photos of someone's ex on my wedding day if it all goes tits up after.!
If it is irritating you that much withdraw the wedding funding until such time as she agrees to stop riffling though your personal papers and has a little more respect for you. Not a lot you can do about the wedding party, that is her right to choose but you don't have to support her when she is invading your privacy, she will keep taking the piss otherwise.
(This mad ramble was brought to you from a hospitalised penguin lord who is bored off her tits on some very fun medications which are making me ratty). 😂😂

ghostyslovesheets · 26/06/2017 07:53

sorry but I also think YABU - you haven't said how he feels about it - it seems to be all about you.

The groom will have chosen his mates to have roles in the wedding - he is invited and he is included - just not an usher or best man - I think you need to stop making your DH's life difficult over this - this is his daughter

heebiejeebie · 26/06/2017 07:53

This is the wrong battle to fight. You sound unreasonable on this. It sounds as if you're trying to make out your son will be upset but everyone will get that you feel snubbed and he less so or not at all. If you want to draw a line do so, but not about the wedding. It's all too emotive.

rookiemere · 26/06/2017 07:56

Dors this even matter to your DS?
It seems such a strange hill to want to die on.

Granted your DSDs behaviour seems less than ideal but for her wedding shes entitled to regard her core family as well her core family.
Pull back on the other stuff - take her house keys or lock up your financial papers but don't make this the thing you fall out over as it's up to her who she has in suits.

dglv1 · 26/06/2017 07:58

Maybe you should point out that if you're paying for it, then you should really have a say in it! If she has a problem with that then she can chip in herself!

I remember my gran paid for my aunties wedding, and invited a lot of her own friends, my auntie didn't want any of them but knew she couldn't complain as she wasn't the one paying for it all!

Remind her where all this is coming from!

gamerchick · 26/06/2017 07:58

Eh he hasn't been left out she's done him a favour, being 'in' a wedding is a right ballache. Who the hell wants to be in one? Confused

You're focusing on the wrong thing here. She acts like an entitled brat but you lot are enabling it.

Original poster
Leftoutofweddingparty · 26/06/2017 08:08

Gamer, I doubt very much whether her brother will have any real "role", but they are sending a message by giving him a suit that he's "included" and my ds is not.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 26/06/2017 08:14

Yabu she doesn't have to have him TBH she didn't have all her siblings either but it's her decision. I wasn't in my wedding party at my db wedding but my older db was best man and my DS page boy SILs DB was usher. I was the only family member not to be involved in the wedding party and preferred it that way TBH. Completely there choice.

Quartz2208 · 26/06/2017 08:16

It is a difficult one. On the face of it not including your son is fine. They probably spend more time socialising with her sister and her boyfriend and it's her brother (who is the best man if it's the sister boyfriend presumably that is because of the groom) and the groom must include others so brother is an usher.

But I think for you not including him brings up feelings of being taken for granted and used

Underthemoonlight · 26/06/2017 08:16

Maybe you should point out that if you're paying for it, then you should really have a say in it! If she has a problem with that then she can chip in herself!,

Just because they are paying it shouldn't come with conditions it's their wedding day and should be their choice not being forced to do something they don't want to do

StephanieAteMyLunch · 26/06/2017 08:17

I was practically forced to have Dh's sister as a bridesmaid. I had only met her a handful of times, and it cost Dh and I money as we were paying for our wedding with a teeny contribution from Dh's parents and a bigger contribution from mine.

2 years later when SIL got married Dh wasn't even an usher but was expected to stand at the entrance to the church to identify and bestow a wedding flower on his relatives.

Then when we got inside the church we were put about 8 rows from the front, so Aunts and Uncles, plus Grandparents and then ushers were sat in front of us. Made us know exactly where we stood.

I haven't ever forgiven that despite it being 16 years ago and have since got on really well with inlaws.

I would ask her outright why he is not included. I wish we had done it at the time.

dglv1 · 26/06/2017 08:20

You're right Underthemoonlight it shouldn't come with conditions, but maybe OP just needs to stand their ground and remind them of who's spending here?

SquinkiesRule · 26/06/2017 08:20

She does sound like a bit of an entitled madam.
I'd forget the part in the wedding, he'll probably have more fun as a guest. Then get yourself removed as a guarantor on her rental. Once thats done, change the locks, she shouldn't be letting herself in to root through your stuff.

My adult sons can let themselves in the house, but they don't rifle through our things, that crosses a line.

CryingMessFFS · 26/06/2017 08:21

He is invited. I don't think it's a big deal.

KindleBueno · 26/06/2017 08:22

Their wedding, their rules - unless you're paying!

Original poster
Leftoutofweddingparty · 26/06/2017 08:24

Kindle - we are paying!

OP posts:
Creampastry · 26/06/2017 08:25

The bride is an Dult are needs to grow up and pay her own way. She's being a bitch and your dh needs to have some loyalty to your son. If you are both paying for her wedding then get him the same suit as the others. Make sure he's included in photos etc. Bride is a cow.

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