To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

I have no idea if DH will be on top table. He has said he will refuse to sit on top table with ex wife. Ex wife has caused him a LOT of upset over the years. I don't know if he will stand by his word or not.

A good idea about the suit, I hadn't really thought he could have one even if he doesn't have a role.

It gets worse your dh is an disgrace the pair of you are actually you think because your paying for it you have a right to dictate who sits where. Your dh can't be adult enough to put his dd first to sit on top on a special day with his ex througha meal. I don't like DS DF but I would sit on the top table because it's his wedding day and I put my own feelings aside.

Oh dear...

I do think YABU, on this one matter anyway. As others have said it is the groom's job to pick the best man/ushers and not the brides. My daughter is getting married in a few months and her brother is not included as part of the wedding party, though her fiance's sister is a bridesmaid. Until reading your post I did not think it was a big deal, and I sure her brother/my son is not in the least bit bothered either. He is just looking forward to his sister's wedding. Maybe you could encourage your son to do the same?

also just read your update re not sitting at top table with ex-wife. I think that's really petty- he doesn't have to sit next to her- but can he not put animosity aside for one meal? Not even for the sake of his daughter? Yes, the ex-wife may have been an absolute nightmare, but that's not their daughter's fault. Unless there has been abuse of some sort, I think parents should be able to get on with things for one meal/day.

I'm now not totally surprised the daughter behaves badly.

Sounds like your step daughter only gives a toss about you and your family because there's a shitload of cash in it for her, and this is the result.

As a bride she chooses womens roles, Matron of honor etc.. Maybe she could make him a Bridesmaid? : ) And to really make your point you could wear black and sulk all day? Hahaha!

If your son will be relegated to sitting by himself, then that is really very rude and unfair. If it's just that he isn't officially dressed the same, then you can fix that by buying him a suit too.

Have you asked why she's doing this?

I have no idea if I will be on top table. I'd assumed not. A good idea about the suit. I hadn't even thought he could have one without a "role". I doubt DH will ask DSD to do this though and I doubt he will sort it out himself. I will have to ask him his thoughts before I make that assumption really though.

DH just keeps shrugging his shoulders as if he is totally powerless over everything when it comes to anything to do with DSD. He talks as if he had no choice but to guarantor the flat. No choice but to pay for a wedding that he has no input in at all whilst ex wife and step Dad haven't contributed a penny but get all the say and I am fed up with hearing "Mum wants X,Y or Z at the wedding, so we are getting that too"

We are both pretty easy going and haven't insisted on inviting Auntie blah blah or wanting certain food or wine or anything. DH said he wanted to insist on some of his friends coming and I told him he should leave that decision to his daughter! I only ask that my DS is treated as a member of the immediate family or at least the same as a siblings boyfriend!

Are you absolutely sure that it's a deliberate snub, or could she just be thoughtless? Can you raise it and discuss it- say something like 'I am perhaps imagining this but it seems like you've singled out ds as being the only member of our family not to have a role in the wedding party. I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful, but can you see that it might have been more thoughtful to try to include him somehow, like everybody else who was raised in our house'. See what she says to that?

I think it's a bit of a silly thing to get upset about tbqh (I can't imagine that your 19yo ds is honestly going to be all THAT bothered, if not relieved). However, given the breadth and depth of what you do/ have done for your stepchildren I can completely understand why it might feel hurtful.

Tbh, I think you need to face up to the fact that you are focusing on the wrong part of the problem- the wedding is a red herring. There ar ebigger issues which frankly mad me gasp. Stop guaranteeing their rent. She is an adult now. Your husband is understandably allowing himself to be emotionally blackmailed into bankrolling her life but it needs to stop now. She won't realistically drop contact unless she has another benefactor somewhere willing to bankroll her instead. Time to cut the apron strings and let her become a proper grown woman now. Your generosity has not bought any real loyalty or love from her anyway. So why bother?

my main concern would be where is DS sitting both in the church and at the meal. As long as he is sat with you then its probably fine. if you and husband have to sit elsewhere and him on his own, that is not on, no consideration for guest comfort there. Best you sit with him at some table (and dad up on top table with bride, or with you).
I'd hire/buy him a suit so he is smart, but not the same suit as bridal party.

jacks - his ex wife won't want to sit with him, I am sure of that anyway. She has screamed like a banshee when he has done something as innocent as turned up at a parents evening and insisted the school call the police. There is no history of violence towards her or anyone. My DH is the most docile man I know. He is frightened to be near her because she goes crazy.

So it seems your DS won't be sat on his own anyways so what's the issue?

I think you should put your foot down about the money if you feel so disrespected. Sounds like she's doing this on purpose. Also get the locks changed - now the witch is married she can knock on your door like a guest.

He can't have a suit without a role. He is going to look like an idiot if he shows up in the wedding suit with no actual role in the wedding party. I can imagine the photographer not realising that he isn't in the wedding party and trying to include him in the photos and your sd in front of everyone then says 'no, he isn't in the wedding party - I have - I have no fucking idea why he is wearing a wedding suit- he has ruined my wedding day'

Please don't get him the same suit as the wedding party that's passive aggressive it's like when family members who aren't bms show up dressed like them.

And even if she doesn't say it out loud - she will sure as hell be thinking he has ruined her wedding.

I think like everyone, that you are focusing on this because of the problems in the family. I don't think any 'wrong' has been done to your son. She is not a full sister to him whatsoever, has presumably known him since she was older/an adult, plus it sounds like there's so much tension between her mum and your husband, she is probably trying to keep the peace.

Given your husband wouldn't sit with his ex-wife, then it's best you all sit together as a family and don't cause further arguments. Would your son want to sit on his own with them anyway?

I see you think this is all unfair and she is a difficult child, but you are not coming off well out of this, I think it's wrong to force a child of two divorced parents to try to sort out this mess through table arrangements at a wedding! Support her properly, or don't, or pay or don't, but don't start stirring up stuff about your son who is not her brother, as that is ridiculous!

Why would you be upset about someone upholding the dress code and wearing a suit ( I assume morning dress). Correctly all male guests should adhere to same code as groom and best man anyway. I've only been to one wedding where it was only those involved in the service- brides father, groom, best man, ushers who wore morning dress it's far more usual to just put the dress code on the invitation.

Crumbs normally the wedding party will have the same set suit different to guests the same for bms by him getting excately the same suit it implies that he's part of the wedding party when he's not.

Maybe if you are going to an aristocrat wedding or the type the royal family attend - every single wedding I have been to , the men have al work regular suits. The wedding party in some weddings have worn regular suits but all the same and some the wedding party have worn morning suits. I have never received an invite with a dress code

At the weddings I have been to, Groom, grooms father, brides father, best man, grandfathers, ushers all wear the same suits - usually hired from the same place. All the other men wear their own suits. My DS is not part of the hire group. I don't know if bride's step Dad is, but to be honest, I expect him to be (not officially step Dad and not living with Mum and only been together 5 years).

I honestly don't get the issue. He is a step sibling. That really isn't wedding party worthy where I come from. She didn't grow up living with him full time and they obviously aren't close, so why would she want him in the wedding party?

Not being invited at all, I'd get that. But really, like it or not, she probably doesn't see him as really part of her immediate family.

To clarify , I meant the guests all wear regular suits and the wedding party all match. Crumbs - you must go to very fancy weddings

No, she obviously doesn't see him as part of the immediate family. I'm sure her Mum has also re-enforced this idea. The ex wife herself told me in an email (she has refused to ever meet me, no falling out, I have offered many times) when her daughter moved in with us shortly after DH and I moved in together that she thought her daughter was mentally ill for shunning family life. No concept that her children had a family life with us too. DSD2 chose "our" family and not "hers", that doesn't make her any "less" or "more" than DSD1. I am however, expected to include everyone in every part of my life, all the time. I might be a grown up and have a pretty thick skin, I have taken all sorts of abuse in the past from DSD1 in the name of family harmony and because I was the adult and she was a child with warring parents. She's an adult now and should be able to see things with adult eyes.

Stop playing the victim here and just respect her decision. Your coming across like your throwing your toys out of the oral numberous people said yabu. You can't force them to be close.

I second what someone said earlier in the thread.

Talk to your step daughter WITH your husband (her father) with you. Tell her how hurt you and your son are. Your son should have been invited and this is a disgusting snub.

My friend was recently left out of her daughter's boyfriend's dad's wedding to his girlfriend of 7 years, (even though the daughter and boyfriend have been together 4 years, and my friend knows the boyfriend's dad and his wife quite well, and they get on ok.)

Yet, the girlfriend of the daughter's boyfriend's brother got an invite, even though he had only been with this girl for 4 months, and the dad and his girlfriend (now wife!) had only met her once!

So she was very hurt.

A month later, the brother and the girlfriend finished, and the daughter's boyfriend's dad and his new wife, said they bitterly regret not inviting my friend and her husband. My friend never said anything to anyone, it was her daughter who said her boyfriend's dad is pissed off that this random short-term girlfriend of the other son's (who they didn't even know,) is all over the wedding pictures, and they now wish they'd invited my friend and her husband.

So maybe talk to her and say how hurt you are that you son is excluded. Sounds like your step daughter is a bit of an arse though anyway, and takes after her mother by the sound of it! Seems like this is a sly dig at you too OP.

If she says NO to him going, stay away yourself. I would.