To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

No, you are right I can't force her to be close to him. I do accept that and to an extent I can understand why.

However, I am expected to accommodate all sorts of things in my own home. Why are all the expectations on me? I am expected to spend "our money" on the wedding. I am expected to accept DP guarantoring the flat. I am expected to make DSD welcome in our home at all times. If I stop doing any of that, I am told I am making the issues and being difficult.

Oral I means pram

People do weird things at weddings.

Me and my SIL (not really, neither of us are married to our partners, but we're both long term, with kids) weren't included in anything to do with our SIL-to-be's wedding party at all, except as assistants to ensure that our small children were presented in the correct clothing at the correct times, and were otherwise out of the way.

I didn't really want to be in the wedding party, or be a bridesmaid (I only know the bride from family dinners) etc. but still, felt really weird to be quite so obviously excluded from everything (pictures etc - tidy up kids, hand them to DP, then back away)

I know it was her day, and she's lovely, it just felt a bit off - almost as if she was co-opting my kids as props for the perfect wedding.

Notknownatthisaddress Op is DS is invited just not in the bridal party but her siblings are he is her step brother through marriage.

Regarding the wedding, I think you are being unreasonable. I can understand why you are hurt but you don't get to decide what role your son has. Even if your step daughter was your biological daughter you still wouldn't get a say of she left her brother out of the wedding.

When I got married my step brother was not part of my wedding, I did consider it but my wedding was very small and we actually didn't have a role for him. I don't think he was hurt by it, he was quite happy propping up the bar!

My step brother is getting married next year, I am not in the wedding. His biological sister is a bridesmaid. I'm genuinely not bothered I haven't been asked. Step brother has been in my life for twenty years but we have never lived together. We get on okay but as adults our lives are going (naturally) in two different directions. When I got married I would have been pretty annoyed if my parents had given me a hard time about my bridal party or insisted. Don't give your son the same suit the others have, it's very passive aggressive. Exactly like dressing as a bridesmaid when you aren't.

As for the other things you are not being unreasonable.

It was your dh choice if he wanted to pay for the wedding it's still his dd at the end of the day, she should be made to be welcome just be polite and don't go above and beyond if you don't want to just take a step back but in the same notion you have to respect that your dh won't do that as it's still his dd.

But Left these things aren't conditional.

Your DSD does not have a full sibling relationship with her step-brother, but she has invited him to the wedding. He hasn't been snubbed, he's (rightly IMO) not a part of her immediate family, but part of the wider family.

The fact that her dad and you are her guarantor is not related to this! You need to decide if you are happy to do it, and do it or don't do it. Don't mix it with wedding stuff, especially as at the wedding she has to please both her mum and you and is going to fail on all accounts.

If you don't want to pay for the wedding, don't pay! But it is her dad paying too and I think then forcing an artificially close rel with a step-brother as part of the deal is too much. Pull out if you don't want to pay, but expect the family to collapse at that point.

You are fixated on this as the 'injustice' in the situation as you probably think you can right this wrong, whereas trying to persuade your husband not to pay for stuff or indulge her is fruitless.

Don't ramp up the tension on her wedding day, just don't. It's really awful to do so.

If then in the future, you want to rethink the whole thing, that's up to you.

'However, I am expected to accommodate all sorts of things in my own home. Why are all the expectations on me?'

It is life. It's rarely fair. All you can do is manage expectations. Your dh treads carefully as he doesn't want to end up n/c, annoying yes but understandable.

If money isn't tight and you haven't had to scrimp for the wedding you need to rise above it, accept she's an entitled pita. Do not give her the pleasure of knowing she's riled you. Sit with your ds on the day, have a nice time and shrug it off. Hard to do, but if you don't want this to fester and cause more issues with your dh it's what you have to do.

'No choice but to pay for a wedding that he has no input in at all'

Ugh. My Mum and DH's parents helped us out with our wedding moneywise and wouldn't have dreamt of expecting to have input.

You should give freely. Money given with expectations is not a gift it's a pain in the ass.

Sounds like an unpleasant situation but yabu over expecting him to be in the wedding party.

And your dh is being a selfish arse refusing to sit at the same table. My mum and Dad sat together at my wedding despite a very awul past and not having contact in almost 30 years. It's what you do for your kids.

Loopy - the no input thing has to apply to every member of the parental family though doesn't it?

No, giving money shouldn't entitle you to call the shots, but it should bring the same respect as other members of the immediate family whether they are financially contributing or not.

If her brother had been left out or her sisters, then that is one thing, because DS wouldn't be the only one and I know DH would "have a word" then, but it is just my DS. I know my DH family will be upset and surprised at this too as they have set a really positive role model in including him as a member of the family too.

Making your partner's child welcome in your home and supporting your partner to provide financial support to his child are totally different things than including a non-blood relation in a wedding party. The two are not equivalent in any way. If you're not comfortable with the level of financial support your partner is giving his daughter, you need to raise that with him - but it's a totally separate issue.

They're not close - why would she want him as part of her wedding party? I didn't even have my brother as part of my wedding party, and a) he's my blood relative and b) we're pretty close! And why would your DH have any say in who she has in her wedding party? You're trying to make trouble for no good reason.

Really stop being a doormat for this woman, she is an adult and is fully aware how she treats you an your dad. Forget the wedding, she should not be going into your home and disrespecting it. She should certainly not be going into your home, without your permission. She should not be treating her dad and you, like something on the bottom of her shoe, that has to stop now! You both have to make it clear to her, that her behaviour is not acceptable. I would even change the locks and don't give her a key.

Waht a trivial thing to throw your toys out of the pram over.

He's been invited, that's the important thing.

If your husband isn't going to sit at the top table, you can all sit together.

I am certainly not out to cause trouble. I fully expect to just suck it up. After all it's a day. However, I have listened to years of how "we are all a family" and how I must do everything I do for my son for my 4 step children and where possible I have done exactly that. DH has argued with me over this. But it seems he won't argue over being a "family" now. Suddenly when it's not his kids that are "missing out" it doesn't matter.

It is not mandatory to include your family in your wedding party, blood relatives or otherwise. Does your DS even know the groom?

Your husband is the problem op, he is not supportive and allows this shoddy treatment by this spoiled woman. This can break a relationship, as it will affect you, and its a lot to take on. There is something similar in my family, and tbh it is breaking the couple apart, the step mum of the adult children involved, has admitted to me that she wished she never married her husband, because of the spoiled and entitled behaviour of one of his sons.

Her wedding is really not the place to play out family dramas or work out wider/deeper family issues. Your ds is invited. He will be there and can socialise with whomever he likes even if his suit doesn't match.

She no longer has a key, I took it away (in a kind way and told her we needed a spare). She has been asked by me not to go through our stuff, she still does. DH refused to ask her. I have had to get a lock put on a cupboard and keep everything locked away at all times in case she turns up whilst I am out at work, which she often does and rarely comes when we are home from work.

However, I can hardly tell her sister and her step brother to not allow her in our home can I? After all, it's not just my home is it?

DH has invited her to dinner this week. She has already said she will arrive whilst we are still at work.

You sound really angry at your dh. I would be too as he's putting his daughter before you constantly.

But then I'd put ds before dh usually. I know it's probably wrong but I think it's the natural thing to do.

As to the guarantor thing, dh's parents have done it for us and I'd do it in a shot for ds. I had no help from my parents past the age of 16 (or a home) and I'd do anything to help ds now.

Of course my DS knows the groom, they've been together since DSD was 14 and we regularly have him stay at our house. DS is a bit of an IT whizz and has helped him loads of times with his laptop and electronics.

And I would put DS before DH but not if DS was being a brat. DS would be told in no uncertain terms. He has been pulled on his attitude towards lots of things - because that's just parenting isn't it?

I don't want to be put before anyone, but I do want everyone in our family to be treated fairly. I'd be upset too if MY DSD2 or 3 weren't included and my DS was!

But I don't know that in this instance of not having him in the party she is being a brat. Are you possibly not seeing new clearly because she's a ratbag in so many other respects?

I wouldn't make a fuss at all about this issue, sounds like you have much bigger issue and from the sounds of her she'll only use it against you in the further. People get CRAZY around weddings.

Future.

Yes, I think on it's own I would be disappointed but accepting of it and we'd still have a nice day.

It's all the other stuff and my dh having a lot of double standards on his idea of "family" when it suits him and his.

The more you post OP, the clearer it is that your issue is really not with DSD (although she does seem to be acting like an entitled madam from what you say). Your real issue is your DH. You are not happy with HIS expectations of you, you are not happy with the fact HE has chosen to act as guarantor or pay for the wedding and so on. You need to address your feelings with your DH and how treats you/his expectations of you, not try to enforce your wishes on your DSD re her wedding party- it will not end well.

Re the money for the wedding- it is either given freely as a gift or it is not. If it is given with string attached then these have to be explicit from the outset.

BTW- in my earlier post, I wasn't suggesting your DH had abused his ex-wife- I was making the point that parents ought to be able to put aside animosity for the sake of their child on their wedding day, unless there was a very good reason- e.g. there had been abuse of some kind.