To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

Stephanie - my dsd and my ds have lived together. They don't "hardly know each other" like you did with your bridesmaid. They've grown up together.

Sorry, but I think YABU about the wedding.
She has every right to decide who is going to be part of the wedding party to support her on the day. You have every right to want more privacy in your home and to want some acknowledgement of how difficult the blending of the two families has been. But making the wedding the focus of the acknowledgement is only going to build resentment on both sides.
If she's still spying for her Mum, it could also be a case of trying to keep her Mum content more than deliberately trying to snub you.

And if she'd left her brother out of the wedding party or a sister AND my ds, I could have handled it, but she's sending a message to me, him and my husband that my ds isn't part of her family but she's always made it VERY clear that she expects at least as much as him on anything. We've always treated her fairly but she's still had this attitude of what's ours /Ds is hers and what's hers is hers/Mums.

I think a wedding is not the time to confront these difficulties, which are ongoing and problematic. Tell your son seating is a nightmare at weddings and to grin and bear it, everyone will mix before and after anyway. If you make a stink, you will be in the wrong and it will affect your ongoing ability to stand up for yourselves.

To leave out a single individual is spiteful and cruel. I would be furious!

Mind you - I would also have taken her key to my home off her when she started gong through my private cupboards and correspondence (and I'd definitely do it now - and change the locks).

Personally I'd also tell her that if she wants to exclude family members for no good reason, then she can pay for her own effing wedding, because you are not going to enable her spite! She seems to have a huge sense of entitlement - partly because she has never been stood up to.

And if there is any way you can get out of being guarantor for her flat, do it. One day she may flit owing a fortune and you will have to pay.

Kindle - we are paying!

Doesn't matter if your paying that's your choice you have no right to demand who and who isn't her wedding party you also have no say over who she invites what flowers etc she has it's there wedding. You and her DF should never have offered to pay if you weren't going to allow them control over a major event in their lives. Money should not come with conditions.

Tell her you'll pay on the understanding all,siblings and step siblings are treated same and wear suits etc.

As I said previously my full db excluded me from his wedding party people didn't even realise he had sister until I said who I was! Was a bothered? No we have never been close as DC. Unfortunately my DM forced the issue with my dbs being ushers when I rather I just had the db I was close to. When it came to picking a godfather I choose my eldest brother.

I have taken her key away and I do lock away my financial paperwork. She turns up and her sister or my ds will let her in and then she'll comment to me about the contents of my cupboards when I get home. Of course I've told her that it's disrespectful.

Ah right he's invited just not in the wedding party, sorry I misunderstood. It does sting when people seem happy to exclude yet cause a stink when it happens to them.

My family member demanded her bf of months be invited to our wedding, yet when it was hers my dsc didn't get invited to her quite large wedding. It's baffling that people have such double standards.

All you can do is grin and bear it. Then address issues at home later like access to your house when you aren't in and stop paying for things for her.

It sounds to me like this is the straw that has broken the camel's back. SD seems to have a history of brattish and entitled behaviour, and now that you want her to do something nice for you/your family for once she's refusing.

Stop the gravy train. If she and her fiance can't afford their flat without your help then they need to move somewhere cheaper - that's what grown ups do. It's about time she grew up. If she's old enough to be getting married, she's old enough to be paying for her own home and to contribute to her wedding.

As far as the groomsmen go, traditionally the groom chooses his own attendants. That may or may not include the BTB's brother, depending on how close they are. However, I do think it would be nice if your son could be given the role of an usher, or directing guests to the sign in book, escorting the mothers/grandmothers to their seats in the church or something along those lines.

Weddings with blended families are so often fraught. When my DD got married in a part of country hundreds of miles from where I lived and she didn't want to invite my StepDCs. She also kept me at arms' length with wedding preps deferring to her future MIL. My DH kept me grounded reminding me that his DCs wouldn't be bothered about attending the wedding -they were teenagers.

In the end it was a lovely day. Afterwards life went on as normal. The slights and hurts have been let go because it's just not worth nursing them.

She is being a spoiled little madam in the way she behaves towards you, it has to stop!you and your dh should not allow her to treat you this way. I wod stop paying her, let her take care of herself.

However, once the wedding is over, I would be addressing your roles in her life. She will be a married woman and this should mean she is responsible with her DH for her own affairs. That includes removing you as guarantor for her flat and making it clear that she is not to involve herself in your private matters. Ask for the key back or change the locks.

In this is YABU she can have who she likes in her bridal party. Going thru your cupboards? Not being invited to her house? Guaranteeing her rent? Spoilt unpleasant madam but probably under awful pressure from her mother. Distance yourself and let your dh deal with her.

If you are paying for suit hire, add him to the order.
He might be relieved not to be an usher or anything else.

Is your son actually bothered?

It's HER wedding and she can do what she wants. YANBU in my opinion and no, it's not nice. And yet...is your son bothered about this? If he isn't, I'd let her get in with it and chalk it up to her unkindness. Grit your teeth and get through it. Your DH sounds ineffectual so, I wouldn't count on him for any support.

Who is it upsetting most? If it's you OP, does she want to get at you, indirectly?

Apologies, haven't had time this morning to read the whole thread but wanted to reply as have been at the mercy of a difficult SD in the past, too.

EmmyRose - you have summed up exactly how I am feeling.

My DS doesn't realise yet, I am either going to have to explain it and try and make it sound OK and be positive about it or explain to him that it's not a nice thing and he shouldn't take it personally. He just thinks he will be sitting with his siblings like he would at any other event.

As for the guarantoring, I get no say really. It's my husbands money. I did try to insist that he sent our bank statements directly to the estate agent and not to give them to DSD directly but he refused in case it upset her. I have had no say in whether we pay for the wedding or not and they will be ordering the suits - we have just given them a lump sum.

I have had no say in whether we pay for the wedding or not and they will be ordering the suits - we have just given them a lump sum

If someone's spending my money I'd be having a say as to where it's going!

Why is your husband so afraid of her? I could possibly understand if HE had been the one to cheat and cause the break up of the marriage/family and was doing so out of guilt, but he was the wronged party, so has nothing to "atone" for, so to speak. He seems like a big part of the problem.

OP you're still focusing on the wrong stuff. If she stopped paying her rent bailiffs would come and empty your house if you couldn't pay it in one go and you're going on about suits.

Thing is your husband obviously puts her feelings above yours so why should she think of them? Your beef isn't really with her when you look at it.

OP, maybe you could give her the benefit of the doubt for now and assume she didn't realise he was the only one left out. Why don't you just politely ask whether there's any chance of him having a small role. If she is rude and spiteful after that then you can be angry with her.

Well, it sounds like your DH needs to man up, your finances shouldn't be available for your children to ponder.
Your DSD has a life of her own now, and shouldn't be wandering willy nilly, around your house, when you are out.
As for disregarding your DS at her wedding, her choice, but you don't have to like it ! ☹️
Take back control OP, this is your life/home, not just your husbands.
Your DS might enjoy the wedding more, as a guest, don't stress it.

It's not about the suits is it? It's about being deliberately kept out of something.

My issue is with my dh, I know. I suspect if she'd left out one of her sisters, he'd have something to say to her. He won't stand up for me or my ds despite me being sooo supportive through years and years of turmoil.