To think he should be included?

[Leftoutofweddingparty]

A wedding issue.

My step daughter of 10 years is getting married.

She has included all her siblings and siblings boyfriends within the wedding party. She has pointedly left out my 19 year old son. He has been relegated to "extended family".

Back story. Ex wife left my husband 12 years ago for another man. I met him two years later and moved in two years after that. I have brought up one step daughter full time (brides sister) and her mum has barely had anything to do with her. The bride I have had has part of my life a third of the time, she lived with her mum a third of the time. I have included all of them in my life in the same way and made lots and lots of sacrifices for them. All my husbands children and my son were in our wedding party, obviously. Bride was a really difficult teen and I had so many sleepless nights over her.

My step son lives with their mum and we haven't seen him at all for 6 years despite so much effort from my husband.

Relationship between ex wife and my husband has always been difficult to say the least and my offers to meet with ex wife to talk about her children have been snubbed.

My son has lived with us full time since day 1. My step daughters and my husband's family are the only family we have. My family is dead and my ex husband simply hasn't been in my son's life much at all (his choice) and I suspect this is what makes the snub particularly difficult.

I feel gutted that my son has been excluded in such a way. Bride has never invited my son, me or my husband to her flat (we guarantor the rent!), regularly turns up at our home a goes through our cupboards and drawers, even when we're not home to report back on our finances to mum. We have held parties at ours for her, taken her on every holiday we've ever had....

My husband is frightened of upsetting her and readily admits that his relationship with her is poor at best and he cannot communicate with her.

However, we are not and have never been just an "every other weekend" family to the bride. We are fully involved in anything she has any problems with.

We are paying for her wedding. Mum and step Dad are contributing nothing. I just feel like I am expected to keep on give, give, give, and I feel very disrespected for all my troubles.

And I'm well aware what the guaranteeing means. DH has funds to cover the rent if they don't pay it.

As for the guarantoring, I get no say really.

But being guarantor means they can come after your DH ( and you if signed) for rent and fees and they can seriously mount up - it can leave you liable for thousands - that would massively impact you and yet you get no say.

He's way more worried about upsetting her than you. I'd use wedding as water shed and talk your DH about cutting back on support and expecting a standard of behaviour - like not snooping in your house.

Actual wedding - well I'd be upset but talk to your DS he may prefer lower key day for himself - and if you've already given a lump sum not sure you have much leverage.

I didn't sign for the guarantoring, my dh did.

Dsd and fiancé are also looking for new flat to rent - have decided they want a house this time. They still don't earn enough. Dh will guarantor it again.

he could cough up thousands in one go?

Your bloke doesn't give a shit about your feelings so why should she? You're mad at the wrong person.

It reads as if you're obsessing about this perceived snub because you're 'allowed' to be hurt on behalf of your DS, whereas all the hurt you feel yourself has to be swallowed in the name of being a good stepmother and wife.

But please don't pick this as your battle. Your reaction is totally understandable, but you're going to look unreasonable, probably the exact reaction your stepdaughter wants. Your DS probably doesn't care - he's not a 5 yr old girl being passed over as a bridesmaid, and he'll probably have more fun away from the top table.

I agree with previous posters about using this as a calm milestone chat with your DH, though.

Sounds like he wants to be traditional and pay for his dd wedding that's his progrative it's also his dd progrative to have who she is closest to in her wedding party. She didn't grow up with your son. It's totally different living in the same house and growing up with siblings then meeting on later in life. She is no way obliged to have your son in her wedding party and that is something you need to accept stop making a fuss and try to cause drama and upset on what should be a happy occasion. You seem to be focusing on such a small issue when in affect it's the other things you meantioned that needs addressing I think the wedding is a red herring and you sound abit bitter that your dh wants to pay for it.

Some people don't even have their step parents on top table nm their step siblings

I'm really not bitter about the money to be honest. We won't go short because of it. I am bitter about the snub and dh not trying to address it.

I am tired of "being there" for everyone else, whilst constantly having to be sidelined and accepting of it. Told not to make an issue of anything, because dh is frightened dsd won't talk to him (like dss).

I am certainly better at accepting myself being treated shoddily, not so, my son. This is why I am struggling.

Sounds a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. Your son could be given a suit by you since he's invited. He could sit with you at the front of the church. He might not be on top table but siblings aren't usually anyway.

The issue is more about her spoilt and disrespectful behaviour towards you. That needs addressing.

Crumbs - all the siblings are on top table, expect ds.

But it's not a snub he's not her db he is her step brother someone who she met later in life. Are you going to kick up a stink if she doesn't have you on the top table? She didn't ask to be in yours and your sons life she can show you respect but she doesn't have to pretend to have the same level of relationship she would have with siblings. A 19 year old lad won't be bothered. Your the one that's bothered.

She didn't ask to have her "full" siblings in her life also. I don't understand that argument. She's been brought up with ds since she was10 years old. Spent a third of her life with him (the same as her "full" sister).

Being brought up and raised alongside siblings is totally different to meeting another child when your 10. Sorry but it is there's not the same connection. You are desperately trying to force something that isn't there. You are going to cause a massive row over nothing. If I was her I would be put you with you right precious DS so I could enjoy my special day in comfort of not being guilted into something I didn't want to do.

Order an extra suit for him, and then the snub won't be visually obvious as he'll fit in with the other siblings. Insist to your husband that one of you goes to the hire shop and does this.

How many people will be on the top table? It sounds ridiculously large. Is your son being expected to sit on another table alone? Are you yourself going to be on the top table?

This seems to be more about what YOU want than your son (who, at 19yrs, will probably just be looking forward to a good party! ) I have been sat in all sorts of places at weddings and met some lovely people and managed, somehow, to still have fun. YABU.

Dsd and fiancé are also looking for new flat to rent - have decided they want a house this time. They still don't earn enough. Dh will guarantor it again

Well then DH is a fool. He needs to tell his daughter - and her new husband - to live within her means.

*their means

But you can't make her consider him her sibling. He isn't. It's not like they were babies when you got together, she was 10 - old enough to know they aren't related, to resent his appearance in her life, taking away attention from her Dad. She doesn't consider him her brother, and that's her prerogative.

She clearly has issues with you, and takes massive advantage (and your DH lets her). But realistically, this isn't that bad, considering. If she'd included other step siblings but not him, yes, but that's not the case.

This isn't the Brady bunch, blended families don't just automatically click. She is very much entitled to have her siblings in her wedding party and just have her DF and dm on the top table and leave step parents on seperate tables if she's wanted some people opt for this, others have their dp and sp hosting their own seperate tables some brides just have a sweetheart table. Weddings are stressful enough to plan without the added drama from step parents. Its not fair on her to make this an issue if I was her DM I would be furious on her behalf for trying to manipulate what should be a special time for her on their own terms.

You can feel the snub but can your son?

If he isn't bothered then I would let it go.

The guarantor bit is worrying. If they can't really afford the rent then why are they moving?

I have no idea if DH will be on top table. He has said he will refuse to sit on top table with ex wife. Ex wife has caused him a LOT of upset over the years. I don't know if he will stand by his word or not.

A good idea about the suit, I hadn't really thought he could have one even if he doesn't have a role.

I think you are conflating two issues- one being your step-daughter's rudeness in snooping around your house/finances and the second her wedding.

The first is something you need to address, but is separate to the wedding. It doesn't sound like she is behaving well, and you and your DH need to decide how you are going to manage that from now on. YANBU to want to be treated with respect. Similarly, the acting as guarantor is something you need to d/w your DH.

The second, relating to the wedding- I think YABU. I get that it stings a bit, but your DS is invited- just not given a role in the wedding. I don't think it is reasonable to demand he be an usher. Her DB and sister's boyfriend may be best man and usher- but best man is obviously chosen by the groom, and ushers also often decided by the groom. Why would he choose your DS? Is the groom close to your DS?

You are paying for the wedding, which was a choice. That should not come with strings attached as to who gets invited and is in the wedding party. If that money was conditional then you and DH should have spelt that out at the beginning.

Do not rent him a suit. That is very passive aggressive!

Neither of my brothers were in my wedding party. I was BM for one of my brother's wives but I think that was because they thought they should. I felt uncomfortable with it.

There are clearly lots of issues in your blended family but the wedding day is about her and her husband so I would suck it up, slap in a smile and crack on and if your sd wants her dad at the top table the he should oblige. After all it isn't about him!

To add, I would have been really really pissed off of my brothers had just rocked up in wedding suits!