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AIBU?

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Original poster

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 23/06/2017 14:43

I still expect at the end of all this that B may well stand up before the bill arrives, claim she has to leave early, announce that A will cover her share, and then waltz out.

WarriorsDance · 23/06/2017 14:53

You only need 2 bills - one for B and one for the rest of you. You explain it to her that you're doing it that way so she only has to pay for herself whilst the rest of you cover A's food/drinks.

If she doesn't pay then she's the one in the shit and you can literally walk out and leave her to sort it out. If you have a shared bill then the restaurant will see it as your shared responsibility to pay.

B sounds like an utter cunt.

BellyBean · 23/06/2017 14:53

Could you quietly check at the start of the evening that b has money with her, "just making sure you can pay your way tonight, in case you need to pop home get your purse".

WarriorsDance · 23/06/2017 14:54

Oh, where the fuck did all those other pages come from Confused It was page 3 when I last looked.

Pibbee · 23/06/2017 14:55

Yeah I wondered about D and E....Are they happy to be dragged into this charade? Would they be OK with paying towards A's share?

KatharinaRosalie · 23/06/2017 14:56

I'm getting quite angry as I had a 'friend' B as well. I would be happy to ask for 2 bills - everybody else and B, and tell A loudly: 'The rest of us are of course paying for your meal, but B said you're too rich and she does not want to'

Nikephorus · 23/06/2017 14:59

If you changed B to J I'd say you were talking about an ex-friend of mine. And I was A's equivalent. I paid for numerous meals, holidays (flights & accom, and then most of the food), presents, you name it. Her purse was nowhere to be seen. (And I was too nice & very naive). The friendship fell apart when I was no longer in a position to pay - we went somewhere, she was supposed to be buying us a snack, I fancied a drink & piece of cake, she would only buy an ice-cream. Haven't seen her since. My usefulness had obviously run out and I have to admit that I've never felt the need to get back in touch with her again. Some people are born users (and some of us need to be told we're mugs!)

eddielizzard · 23/06/2017 15:02

"She has more money than us, we don't pay for her"

"this is our treat to celebrate a's whatever. i totally understand if you're unable to contribute, and will give a your apologies. perhaps we can catch up another time.'

then if she says she'll contribute, send group email saying you're splitting the bill 4 ways for the 5 of you.

when get to restaurant tell the waiter too in everyone's hearing.

this way she can't possibly pull any of her shifty manoeuvres and it's extremely clear how the bill is going to be handled.

AmserGwin · 23/06/2017 15:05

I would stay out of it to be honest! It's not your problem it's A's! Just pay for yourself and let them get in with it

AmserGwin · 23/06/2017 15:06

*on with it

MiniCooperLover · 23/06/2017 15:10

I think everyone is being too polite here. I'd be sending back a message to say 'ok I understand, but just so you know everyone will be paying their own way, there will be no subbing on the night'. Spell it out, don't ask if that's ok etc.

ChuffMuffin · 23/06/2017 15:15

I'd tell B if she has no intention of paying then she is not coming. Simple as that. Make it very clear that none of you, including A, will be paying for her. Why should B not have to pay when the rest of you do? She seriously wants A to pay for her own share birthday meal, and B's? Shock

She keeps getting away with "forgetting her wallet" because A is enabling her. There was a great thread on here the other day where the OP's best friend did the same thing all the time and she was sick of it, he tried to order coffees and cakes for his kids in a cafe while expecting OP to pay for it, she paid for her own stuff and not his, and he just walked out the cafe!

AguacateMaduro · 23/06/2017 15:26

the mind boggles reading this, the sheer nerve some people have sailing through life having their bills paid Confused

Please tell us how it goes op

fuckwitery · 23/06/2017 15:28

Right. This is a scenario that requires a kitty. Email them all in advance and tell them you are running the night on kitty. They must all bring £50/£100 (whatever you think will def cover the costs) in cash and give to you before the meal. You'll pay for everything g out of the kitty on the night. Any left over will be split evenly and handed back. If you run out another kitty will start. If she turns up empty handed she can't stay.

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2017 15:31

Actually i wonder about a. The op says they go to the most expensive places. Why is that when she knows b has financial problems? She must know b can't afford to go there. I wonder how completely honest a is being about this. She's painting herself as the victim, but potentially b not only gives her a lot of emotional support, but has previously tried to explain she can't afford these venues and a has insisted and continued to insist.

Bs response would indicate b is exactly like a describes, but I'd guess a isn't so innocent in this either. I suspect they are both at fault.

CardinalCat · 23/06/2017 15:31

argh, how totally gauche of B (and also of A, to drop you in this.)

When B said 'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her', what did you respond.

because this is your cue to tell B that she can either decline the invitation, or explain to everyone else on the night when the bill comes that- although everybody else is splitting it so as to cover A's share, she is only paying her share and not chipping in to A's.

I think you really need to call out behaviour like this. People like B only get away with this absolute shite because people like A are too (quite understandably) embarrassed to call it out for what it is- a load of shite.

AguacateMaduro · 23/06/2017 15:31

puppy monkey's text does the job

fuckwitery · 23/06/2017 15:33

Actually as pp said a bank transfer of the kitty to you in advance of the evening even better idea. No pay no stay.

LiveLongAndProspero · 23/06/2017 15:36

Email them all in advance and tell them you are running the night on kitty. They must all bring £50/£100 (whatever you think will def cover the costs) in cash and give to you before the meal

Again, the other guests? Can you imagine one of them posting? "I am supposed to be going for a birthday meal for a friend but another friend has emailed demanding I give her a hundred quid in advance, and that I pay a share of the birthday friends meal. I can't afford this/don't want to/only eat bread and drink water etc, aibu?"

OlennasWimple · 23/06/2017 15:38

Blimey, don't get involved in arguments between A and B, and certainly not involving everyone else in "B might not pay" emails.

Just tell everyone in advance roughly how much it will be (add on a bit for unforeseen things) and directly ask B for her contribution when the bill comes. If she tries to order lobster and champagne, say at the time that you won't be paying for it too (unless you are all having the same).

Reow · 23/06/2017 15:39

Dear Freeloader/friend's name. Just wanted to raise with you so that there's no awkwardness on the night, we will all be contributing to A's dinner cost for her birthday meal. I know you don't always bring cash so she sometimes has to pay for you, so I wanted to make sure you were prepared and had sufficient cash so she doesn't have to pay for a guest at her own birthday dinner. See you there, lanouvelleheloise x

Done!

twilightcafe · 23/06/2017 15:42

You shouldn't be doing A's dirty work.

B has been freeloading for so long because of A's inability/unwillingness to deal with the issue.

It's A's problem. Let her deal with B - not dump it on you.

Motoko · 23/06/2017 15:47

Separate bills for each of you. Up to the rest of the group if they want to contribute to A's meal, but you need to check that beforehand.

If B pulls her usual stunt, A will have to deal with it, it's not on for her to dump the responsibility on to you.

jenm87 · 23/06/2017 15:47

i would wait til your there and say to the waiter that you are all paying your own separate, i have a large family and we always do this to make it easier (me and partner always have soft drinks as not a big drinker so dont feel its fair me putting same amount money in a pot as someone who will drink a few vodkas etc) , that way you only worry about your own meals. text them all and say when we get to the restaurant we can cover out own bills. or if you would rather not then say to them i would prefer if i can have the money in advance or a certain amount to cover a deposit for the restaurant

HappyFlappy · 23/06/2017 15:54

'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'.

I bloody HATE this attitude! I am in the position of being the least well-off in our group. One friend tries to insist on paying every time because she is working and well-paid, and I'm not comfortable with that. I actually said that if she insists on picking up the bill, I won't be able to meet her for a meal. She was trying to be kind, but I don't want to sponge off anyone, and I can't understand why anybody would.

Has friend B got no self-respect? What a greedy sod!

You can decline to invite her, but only Friend A can put a stop to this constant greeding!