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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have childcare and support from parents can't keep claiming how they're finding parenting tough.

154 replies

HateSummer · 22/06/2017 19:25

Probably going to get flamed for this!

I have a friend who has 2 kids and full support from her family whenever she needs time out. She's not working, and whenever she feels she's had enough of her 18m old, she leaves her with her parents. Or after school she takes her kids to her parents house every single day for dinner and then just sleeps at her house. She often leaves her kids there and goes home to catch up on chores etc and the kids will spend nights with their grandparents.

I on the other hand have no support whatsoever and no family around to help me. I have 3 children and I'm doing everything for them alone with dh. We alternate shifts at work to look after them and share school runs through the week. We basically have no break at all.

Everytime I meet this friend she tells me how tired she is. Then she tells me how she batch freezes food. I had to blatantly point out to her that I don't have time for batch freezing inbetween work and looking after 3 kids.

She's a lovely friend but its obvious she has no fucking idea what it's like to be REALLY tired and doing parenting without any help from anyone at all DAY IN DAY OUT.

Sad
OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 22/06/2017 19:29

Anybody can find parenting tough, there isn't a rule book & it's not a competition.

Steeley113 · 22/06/2017 19:29

Stop being such a marytr. I have lots of help and I'm still tired. Parenting is hard regardless.

Nectarines · 22/06/2017 19:30

I think everybody finds it hard at times regardless of support available and it's futile to start competing for the entitlement to say you're tired. Parenting is tiring. For everyone.

Writerwannabe83 · 22/06/2017 19:31

YANBU.

I know people like this and sometimes I do wish I had their life Flowers

Original poster
HateSummer · 22/06/2017 19:32

Yes there isn't a rule book and it isn't a competition but when you have obvious support isn't it a bit rude telling someone who has no support whatsoever that you're tired or giving advice about batch freezing food? That's how I'm feeling today.

OP posts:
toolonglurking · 22/06/2017 19:33

I get your point HateSummer, we too have absolutely no help at all and it's really bloody tiring. Trouble is, we decided to have kids, therefore they are our responsibility. I do (inwardly) roll my eyes when people bang on about being exhausted when they have loads of support, but the worst thing you can do is compare - it doesn't help anything.

BandeauSally · 22/06/2017 19:33

I on the other hand have no support whatsoever and no family around to help me

I wouldn't call a live in partner and parent of the children who is doing the childcare when you work and vice Versa meaning no childcare fees "no support whatsoever"! I'd fucking kill for that!

Steeley113 · 22/06/2017 19:33

Not really. She's allowed to be tired. She was trying to help you out with advice.

Igottastartthinkingbee · 22/06/2017 19:34

I get where you're coming from. I have no local family to call upon either but I'm a sahm so that makes it more or less relentless depending who you speak to!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 22/06/2017 19:35

I've also found the people who moan most about life/parenting are the ones who palm their kids off as much as they can and do little work.

Next time she moans tell her she'd be even more tired if she actually had to work.

HostaFireAndIce · 22/06/2017 19:35

So your DH helps you? YABU You have absolutely no fucking idea how hard it is being a single parent with seven children etc etc. It's not a competition.

LeannePerrins · 22/06/2017 19:35

And I imagine that many single parents with no family help will read your post and feel envious that you have a supportive DH who splits parenting duties evenly with you. As PP have said, it isn't a competition.

There is literally nothing to be gained from envying your friend's situation.

blondiebonce · 22/06/2017 19:36

YABU.

Single parents could say the same about you. People with medical conditions etc etc.

Parenting is hard. Yes I'd inwardly roll my eyes at her but it is what it is. Everyone's circumstances are different and some are luckier in some areas than others. Doesn't make a 4am screech-a-thin and a house to clean not really tiring.

HostaFireAndIce · 22/06/2017 19:36

But I accept she could go on about it less!

VeuveLilies · 22/06/2017 19:38

Er, you have a husband, not really "no support whatsoever"

Helloitsme88 · 22/06/2017 19:38

I found it harder being a sahm. Much preferred being back at work. More tiring but not as relentless

Unihorn · 22/06/2017 19:39

My parents help us out a lot too but if you look at the week being 168 hours even if she's getting 30-40 hours of help a week she is still with the children those other 130+ hours. Some people see work as a break and may consider you being away from your DVR for however many hours a week as a luxury!

I think you are being a little unreasonable in that you can still find parenting hard. Some people are cut out to be parents more than others. I never thought I'd have children because I never thought I'd be good at it and consequently I still find it quite hard even with support. I probably would be more tactful than to moan about it but maybe she doesn't realise you're struggling?

VeuveLilies · 22/06/2017 19:41

She has 2 kids 24/7
You have 3 children and are out at work for a large number of hours

Original poster
HateSummer · 22/06/2017 19:41

This isn't supposed to be offending single parents and i havent mentioned single parents anywhere. The topic is 2 married women and 1 who leaves her kids with her parents whenever she can. The support is referring to grandparent support.

OP posts:
BabsGanoush · 22/06/2017 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/06/2017 19:43

It sounds like she might be suffering from depression. As they say you can't judge another until you've walked in their shoes.

I get you're tired, overworked and stressed but cut her some slack

Witchend · 22/06/2017 19:44

Depends on your personality and children and circumstances.

I think I've found parenting easier than dsis despite having no family around me and dm does a lot for them as she's local.

fakenamefornow · 22/06/2017 19:44

I had three under age three, no family support and was a sthm, I found it easy :) Much easier than working full time as I do now with them all at primary school.

Maybe your friend complains so much and hands children to family because she does find it so hard.

soapboxqueen · 22/06/2017 19:46

I think you are missing the point hatesummer. Everyone is different as are the situations they live in. I have full support, I don't work but I also have a child with asd and pda. I don't work because school couldn't cope.

Should we compare how difficult things are? Is my life trickier than yours or vice versa? Is there any real benefit to comparing lives?

VelvetSpoon · 22/06/2017 19:47

YANBU.

I know several people who despite having family support meaning they have to pay for little or no childcare still moan they don't get enough holiday to go to every fucking school event (even though they have spouse/ various relatives who can go in their place) or have to use holiday when one of their free childcarers can't oblige. To which my internal response is that they should stfu, and appreciate how lucky they are. Alternatively stick their hand in their pocket (the couples earn £100k a year or more) and pay for some fucking childcare like the rest of us had to.

As a single parent with no family, I've never had anyone to 'help me out'. I've missed loads of my kids school events because of work, and I had to just get over it.