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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have childcare and support from parents can't keep claiming how they're finding parenting tough.

154 replies

HateSummer · 22/06/2017 19:25

Probably going to get flamed for this!

I have a friend who has 2 kids and full support from her family whenever she needs time out. She's not working, and whenever she feels she's had enough of her 18m old, she leaves her with her parents. Or after school she takes her kids to her parents house every single day for dinner and then just sleeps at her house. She often leaves her kids there and goes home to catch up on chores etc and the kids will spend nights with their grandparents.

I on the other hand have no support whatsoever and no family around to help me. I have 3 children and I'm doing everything for them alone with dh. We alternate shifts at work to look after them and share school runs through the week. We basically have no break at all.

Everytime I meet this friend she tells me how tired she is. Then she tells me how she batch freezes food. I had to blatantly point out to her that I don't have time for batch freezing inbetween work and looking after 3 kids.

She's a lovely friend but its obvious she has no fucking idea what it's like to be REALLY tired and doing parenting without any help from anyone at all DAY IN DAY OUT.

Sad
OP posts:
sweetpeamumma · 22/06/2017 20:18

It's hard to just say she gets lots of help without actually knowing anything about the person, you don't know what's going on in their lives, she could have mental health problems or be going through stressful times. I don't get masses of help but I don't begrudge anyone who does, they're just in different predicaments. Not fair to judge based on how you feel about your own life. Some grandparents are just really happy to have grandchildren round whenever, they really enjoy it

Ditsy1980 · 22/06/2017 20:23

Maybe the reason they spend so much time with her parents is that she struggles with parenting? When I had PND even just being on my own with my DD was exhausting and I relied a lot on family as it was easier to cope that way.

It's not a competition and I know it's frustrating but everyone can be envious of others situation.

DermotTheSprog · 22/06/2017 20:23

YANBU op, I have no family support at all, dh works 7 days a week and I am so envious of those who have even one set of interested and available grandparents. For all that though, I do feel that I may be, like my parents, an uninvolved grandparent. Maybe I've just had enough of being everything to my (fabulous and precious but demanding) babies. When one were younger I did reciprocal babysitting with friends in similar situations, that works too. Of course it is not the luxury of willing family but does save on babysitting costs.

letsmargaritatime · 22/06/2017 20:25

I get your rage op. A friend should not be so insensitive. It's like a size 10 woman saying, "I'm so fat, I wish I were slimmer" etc. to their size 20. Really bloody annoying.

HmmThatDidntGoAsPlannedEh · 22/06/2017 20:25

I wouldn't worry too much, chances are she won't be your friend for much longer and you won't have to listen to her having a moan about being tired.

ShastaBeast · 22/06/2017 20:27

But ditsy, you were incredibly lucky to have the option. Parenting my eldest took me to the brink and I had no one. Not acknowledging that is just insulting.

PinkPeppers · 22/06/2017 20:27

I wouldnt dream to try and see how tired a person is compare to me.

Because tbh you have no idea how tired she is and yes it is totally possible to be that tired doing less than what you are doing.
If she is going back home to sleep, I suspect she is actually really shattrered and the best thing you coud do, instead of having a go at how she cant possibly be tired, is to advise her to go and see her GP.

Seriously, Ive been sayng that I was exhausted for years until I finally went to see my GP beause I couldnt physically stand up. I have been diagnosed with ME. But it could well have been an iron deficiency, thyroid problem, vitD, vit B12 etc etc.

Please dont judge and think that everyone is and shouod be able to do the same thngs than you or that they have they same amount of energy than you. They probably dont (either they will have less or more btw)

TrollMummy · 22/06/2017 20:29

YANBU I have friends like constantly moaning and palming their kids off on their parents as they 'need a break'. One gets her elderly parents, both who have health problems, to pick her kids up after school a few days a week and give them tea because she 'needs a break'. She is a SAHM, the kids have been at school so she has all day to herself to do as she pleases. She also drops her ironing off at her MILs because she is so busy with her DCs she doesn't have time for laundry Hmm

LardLizard · 22/06/2017 20:30

I agree with you op
No wonder her advising you about batch cooking has rubbed you up the wrong way

But it is what it is and life isn't fair

Personally I'd say something to her

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/06/2017 20:30

BabsGanoush can I just say that:

You have absolutely no fucking idea how hard it is being a single parent with seven children

Contraception?

is possibly one of the most distasteful things I've seen posted. Report your comment because you were an absolute tosser. You have no idea about the circumstances surrounding people being single parents. You're probably the kind of person who would assume I got pregnant from a one night stand, purely because I'm young. Judgmental so and so.

LetsSplashMummy · 22/06/2017 20:32

Perhaps if you were a bit kinder, more people would offer to help you out.

I think the thing about parenting is you can get tired in a terrible, stressful 20 minutes, even if you have had a lovely break all morning. Also, it's possible she isn't coping so well, she isn't taking anything from you, so you are just meant to listen, not judge.

PinkPeppers · 22/06/2017 20:32

Fwiw the reason I never went to see the GP was that first I ad two small dcs so that was normal, then I was studying so that was normal and then really i couldnt possibly be that tired doing what I was doing, was I?? (Part time work, 2 dcs in primary school)

Except that actually yes I could. But I had managed to convince myself it wasnt possible afer hearing so many comments like yours.

slkk · 22/06/2017 20:32

Interesting, I was discussing something similar on a group which supports parents who are raising children with a history of trauma. Saying how frustrated and even bitter we felt sometimes when we saw 'normal' families with 'normal' children. I expect parents of children with all sorts of SEN feel the same too sometimes. I think we have to try and let it go, though. Everyone finds parenting hard in lots of ways. We have to find the joy in our situation (ds didn't attack his ta today. Yay! I don't have to stress about him passing his phonics or SATS, because it's the least of our worries. Yay! He's the funniest kid I've ever known. Yay!) , and if it's hard to find joy, then acceptance and understanding that we never really will know what it is to walk in someone else's shoes.

snowflake25 · 22/06/2017 20:33

You need a break OP - a proper break - somehow you need to make it happen and have some time out. You will feel so much better and then she won't get on your nerves quite as much. Completely sympathise, I had no help whatsoever and the relentless exhaustion of keeping it all going can be unbearable at times.

Even if it is just an hour, please just book out some time to rest. You are knackered.

youaredeluded · 22/06/2017 20:34

YABU. You don't have the monopoly on misery you know!

whatthehell33 · 22/06/2017 20:35

I have a lot of support and, whilst I certainly appreciate how lucky I am, I do have times when I feel tired and stressed out. It's not a contest!! You're allowed to find it hard and so is she.

ssd · 22/06/2017 20:37

Perhaps if you were a bit kinder, more people would offer to help you out

what a stupid statement

MoreProseccoNow · 22/06/2017 20:38

I think it's much easier for those who have supportive family close by: childcare, babysitting, just more support in general.

I must admit I'm very envious when friends have grandparents doing childcare, babysitting, attending school plays, taking DC off hands when they're unwell.

ticketytock1 · 22/06/2017 20:41
Biscuit Have you ever considered that your friend could be depressed? did the exact same thing when suffering depression. I couldn't bare to be alone all day with the kids and took so much comfort from being with my parents. I just slept at home like your friend is. Stop being a judgemental dick and look at the bigger picture. Most things in this life are never as they seem
JayneAusten · 22/06/2017 20:43

People with support have no idea how hard it is to not have support. They lack empathy because they literally don't understand. People who say 'Well I found it hard and I have support' are just emphasising that. Imagine finding it hard and then NOT having that support, and you're part of the way there.

MrsKoala · 22/06/2017 20:43

i have a 4 year old with possible ASD who attacks me, a 2 year old who is in full terrible twos and an 8 month old that still feeds every 2 hours round the clock. I have had a nanny part time since baby was born, my parents live locally and a DH (who works long hours) and i still find it really hard. I cry probably twice a week. I find it tough. I didn't realise i was such a wuss.

CalmShambala · 22/06/2017 20:47

My DH works really long hours and is away a lot of the time on business. He has been away 2 out of the past 3 weeks. I have ZERO help from family as they are either dead or in another country. I consider myself lucky though as my DH has a good job and I can be a SAHM. I have only been stuck a couple of times, once when DC2 needed an operation and when I was really sick. I literally had no one to help me out.

That said, there are a couple of members of my DH's family who really piss me off. They work p/t and are always making PA comments about women who don't work. One of them has her own parents look after her DC all week, even when she is not at work and has another set of GPs who also help out at the drop of a hat. Her single sister also does loads for her. She basically has a whole village helping her out.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/06/2017 20:48

I'm a single parent and apart from the school holidays and the one day a week my mum picks my DD up coz I'm at work I do most of the work.

Parenting is bloody knackering, mentally and physically, so what if she gets help.

CheshireChat · 22/06/2017 20:48

When I was depressed no matter how much help I would've had (I had none!) I would've still found it tough.

It's relentless to take care of children, she has help doesn't mean she doesn't get tired.

And the batch cooking advice was just that, well meaning advice. And you probably could manage to batch cook but quite frankly you save time by cooking quicker meals rather than messing about with freezing them. Just MO.

ssd · 22/06/2017 20:48

it's just human nature, isn't it...I have a relative who was handed a house mortgage free, foreign holidays, holiday home, cars and a lot of money in the bank from her parents, she knows I haven't got any of that and have had to work for everything, she knows my parents were a lot worse off financially than hers and couldn't offer me anything, yet she's never done telling me how skint she is, I know she has over 40k in the bank alone, as her mum told me....

its a funny old world

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