To think people who have childcare and support from parents can't keep claiming how they're finding parenting tough.

[HateSummer]

Probably going to get flamed for this!

I have a friend who has 2 kids and full support from her family whenever she needs time out. She's not working, and whenever she feels she's had enough of her 18m old, she leaves her with her parents. Or after school she takes her kids to her parents house every single day for dinner and then just sleeps at her house. She often leaves her kids there and goes home to catch up on chores etc and the kids will spend nights with their grandparents.

I on the other hand have no support whatsoever and no family around to help me. I have 3 children and I'm doing everything for them alone with dh. We alternate shifts at work to look after them and share school runs through the week. We basically have no break at all.

Everytime I meet this friend she tells me how tired she is. Then she tells me how she batch freezes food. I had to blatantly point out to her that I don't have time for batch freezing inbetween work and looking after 3 kids.

She's a lovely friend but its obvious she has no fucking idea what it's like to be REALLY tired and doing parenting without any help from anyone at all DAY IN DAY OUT.

Some have children who have SN not yet diagnosed causing their children's difficult behaviour. My second was a "normal" baby and it was a breeze in comparison.

Absolutely, ShastaBeast.

Amongst my friends, I can think of two children that clearly have identifiable special needs (one in denial, the other simply unable to even consider it due to the pressure they're under).

For me, even unsupported with childcare and family help (and my own ND) a day feels relatively effortless. When I hear about their days, I don't even know how I could cope with 24 hours - even if that day involved dropping my child off at childcare at 8am and collecting them at 5pm.

SSD I have a couple of friends like that... I think they 'moan' about being 'skint' to me like its their way of dealing with it. Like they are trying to show empathy they'll never have if that makes sense??

Tough is relative.
I have a supportive DH and childcare when i am at work, no local rellies. Mum comes sometimes if i have the kids on my own all weekend. I am lucky, yes. I also have a demanding professional job and some longstanding mental health struggles. I find parenting very very tough at times!

Always worth remembering you never really know what's going on behind closed doors. What people's daily battles are. What things are happening in their lives. We only ever see a small window of someone else's life.

It's not some sort of competition to see who can suffer more.

You sound like a bit of a crap friend to be honest.

I'm a lone parent. I get some help from my parents. You know what I don't have? My child's other parent living through the parenting woes with me, live-in support, someone to air my frustrations to, another adult helping me make decisions about how to raise my child rather than having the weight of it all on me.

Neither situation is necessarily better IMO. Each individual circumstance is different, as is how well each person copes with their lot. The beauty of my friends is where they have partners, bigger homes, more money, etc, none of us is so bitter that we can't see that we all have things we need a moan about from time to time.

Yanbu op

Single mum to 3. A stroppy rebellious angry teen, a needy and hypersensitive tween and a one year old who never sleeps and never stops moving and wrecking the house . A close friend of mine who has a hugely supportive husband , Preschooler at full time private nursery so she can go the gym/ shopping/ Salon ( even though he hates it . And he is there in holidays too) and then picked up and given tea bY grandparents. Other child at school and goes to all after school clubs 5 days so mum can have more me time . Kids sleep over at her parents every week so she gets a date night thrown in . And then wonders why I am knackered and surely I must be doing something wrong

Yes she sounds a bit lame and precious.grow a pair! It's really really not that hard and her life sounds absolutely fine. Yanbu

Some of these comments are making me laugh:
Perhaps if you were a bit kinder, more people would offer to help you out

When did I say I wanted help? 😆

And the lovely comments about me being a horrible person are just 🙄. Pot kettle black and all that.

I still think that telling someone who has no help that you're tired when you have all the help in the world is rude, and giving advice about batch cooking isn't going to magically cure all my problems.

Thanks to the few who understand what I was trying to get off my chest

It only takes an hour of non stop fighting and crying and distruction by my 3 preschoolers to have me tearing my hair out and emotionally exhausted at times. Maybe I should take comfort in my in-laws being around for coffee and play in their house on a Sunday morning but actually it's hard to be heartened by that in all the hard moments that happen throughout any given day with small kids.

OP help or no help, parenting is hard. Having no help is extra hard.

I think she sounds a bit lazy and like a grown up child. Seems that even though she's not working she is doing very little of the childcare. Maybe she has mental health issues. Maybe she spends a lot of time with parents because she gets on with them.

But why does having help automatically stop you being tired? Or stop it being hard?

And I'm not sure why suggesting batch cooking is such a shocking suggestion. Seems a pretty sensible approach for someone who is as busy as you surely?

No OP, it's not rude to say you're tired. No matter who you are.

YANBU, I hear you, am in exactly the same position, I've found myself going off certain friends who are in a much better position than me with loads of support, free childcare, date nights, loads of time to themselves, get to go on mini breaks alone etc etc but still constantly whine about how tough their lives are. So irritating and they just come across as spoilt and ungrateful.

Holy shit... reading PP's there's a lot of "yeah, but my situation is worse..." blah blah

A woman came on here, clearly struggling, maybe a bit moany, maybe a bit misunderstood in her post, needing some sisterly support that its not just her? and all you lot can do is compare sob stories? And run her down?How about affirmations? Or support? This is why mothers feel insecure. There are so many 'perfect mum's ' out there and you make the rest of the normal mortals feel like shit when we envy an "easier" life.

Do you call her on it?

"Oh I'm so tired today"

why don't you drop them off at your parents so you can sleep? You lucky duck

"My house is a tip"

i suppose you can blast it whilst the kids are at school

Just every time she complains point out the support she does have if she doesn't appreciate it

I don't want to go into too much detail as its outing but all this batch cooking is done at her mum's with her mum helping her do it. One child is at school at that time and the other at home with her. Both gp's are at home during the day. So if I had someone helping me batch cook and look after my children I'd happily do it. My free from children days are spent doing cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and caring for an elderly relative. Cooking is least of my problems tbh, and she knows it.

When you have help, you offload some of the stress onto someone else even for a little bit. I'm sure it helps mentally. Mental tiredness can affect you in a bad way.

Yes there isn't a rule book and it isn't a competition but when you have obvious support isn't it a bit rude telling someone who has no support whatsoever that you're tired or giving advice about batch freezing food? That's how I'm feeling today.

No it isn't rude. Not one bit. Hope it's not too cold up there on your high horse. Eugh people.

Surely it depends on how difficult the individual children are and how strong the individual woman is?

And how much input- practical or emotional- the family expect in return for helping out with childcare. Ime this is rarely a one-way street and families who offer support and involvement will expect the same level of involvement and support with their needs. From my experience of extended families, if she is getting that much work from her parents, then that probably corresponds to work she is putting in, or will be expected to put in in some other way.

I live in a different country from my family which meant very little in terms of childcare and sleepovers.

But then again it meant that when grandparents have been ill or had problems of any kind or needed help with anything practical, that has fallen on my brothers, not on me. Even with a disabled and chronically ill child and some quite severe problems, I am not necessarily convinced that I've been working harder than them. And as parents get older and children more independent, the balance tips further and further the other way.

When you have help, you offload some of the stress onto someone else even for a little bit. I'm sure it helps mentally.

If your DP doesn't provide you with this kind of support then I do feel for you. That's rough. But it's hardly anything to do with your friend and the fact that she's tired. You're both allowed to be tired. You're both allowed to be fed up. This shit is hard, as many a comment on this thread have proved.

Being a lone parent who has parental help though, please don't equate family help with the type and level of support you get from a partner. It isn't the same. And the power dynamic can make it pretty damn hard.

When you have help, you offload some of the stress onto someone else even for a little bit. I'm sure it helps mentally.

If you can't do that, then it seems to me that you have a dp problem.

So why not talk about that instead? If the father of your children is alive and around, then you should have somebody to offload some of the stress on, somebody who can take the 18mo out for the day while you get on with the chores, or alternatively do the chores while you go out for the day. Or even (not beyond the scope of an adult man) look after the 18mo and get some work done.

YABU. It's all about how it impacts on the person.

Someone can have ten kids and no help and be fine. Someone else can have one and loads of help and really struggle.

YANBU. The biggest moaner I know has the most help out of everyone we know. Her kids are looked after by her parents 70% of the time. On her days off, she still takes the kids to her parents for dinner etc. The kids go to their dads for weekends and some school holidays. She goes out at weekends and leaves kids with parents again....this would all be fine if she would stfu moaning about how unfair she has it and just appreciate how lucky she is.

Sara00 you are 100% THE WORST kind of woman.
A mother has come here for understanding and support in a situation she feels already alone in and you decided in your 'wisdom' that the kindest advice to give was to cut her down?
Ffs. Not everyone has help from family or DPs .
When did we start treating each other like filth? You're allowed to be nice on this forum. It's not a fucking free for all to start treating each other like shit. Bear in mind, those that are holier than though - it takes onlu one false step and you're in the mud with 'us'

I don't think the best way to get support is to slag off others for needing support though.

People are being very hard on you, OP! You're tired and frayed and definitely allowed an inner eye roll / anonymous internet rant about this. Your friend is entitled to her own experience and to feel knackered in her own right - but it's a bit tactless of her to compare as if your situations are the same. She's probably just being thoughtless and of course there will be single parents who would kill to be in your situation with a partner to take some of the load - but I don't think your eye roll deserves the flaming it's getting!