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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have childcare and support from parents can't keep claiming how they're finding parenting tough.

154 replies

HateSummer · 22/06/2017 19:25

Probably going to get flamed for this!

I have a friend who has 2 kids and full support from her family whenever she needs time out. She's not working, and whenever she feels she's had enough of her 18m old, she leaves her with her parents. Or after school she takes her kids to her parents house every single day for dinner and then just sleeps at her house. She often leaves her kids there and goes home to catch up on chores etc and the kids will spend nights with their grandparents.

I on the other hand have no support whatsoever and no family around to help me. I have 3 children and I'm doing everything for them alone with dh. We alternate shifts at work to look after them and share school runs through the week. We basically have no break at all.

Everytime I meet this friend she tells me how tired she is. Then she tells me how she batch freezes food. I had to blatantly point out to her that I don't have time for batch freezing inbetween work and looking after 3 kids.

She's a lovely friend but its obvious she has no fucking idea what it's like to be REALLY tired and doing parenting without any help from anyone at all DAY IN DAY OUT.

Sad
OP posts:
LadyGagarden · 22/06/2017 19:48

I think everyone moans regardless of their situation! I try not to as there is always someone worse off but I do know what you mean as I have no family support at all and a child with additional needs. It is hard and people can be insensitive but that's life, comparing just makes you miserable.

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2017 19:48

Well this is an unpleasant thread.

I believe you that she is a lovely friend. I doubt the same can be said about you.

It's not a competition, attacking other women, much less those you profess to be friends with, because you think your life is harder is just nasty.

MrsWhirly · 22/06/2017 19:49

It's all relative IMO.

VelvetSpoon · 22/06/2017 19:55

Isn't it about having a little humility though?

I live in a big house. It's a bastard to maintain, clean etc. I would never directly complain about that to friends with very small houses or flats, or who live in a rented room, I don't want to rub their noses in it. I appreciate I'm in a fortunate position.

People who bitch to others earning much less about having to pay for childcare when they've got a 6 fig income, or who complain (to friends with no family support) that their family won't help them with childcare enough, maybe should think before they speak.

TheDogAteMyGoatskinVellum · 22/06/2017 20:00

Your title is indescribably unreasonable. You don't get to decide who can find things difficult and vocalise that. I had and have oodles of support, and when I had post natal anxiety I still found it tough. I didn't keep quiet about that because why the fuck should I? Don't like it? Tough shit.

However, reading the post itself, if you had asked Aibu to want my friend to stfu making unhelpful comments about batch cooking, when she doesn't get how hard it is to work FT with no grandparents help, then no you would not BU. That sounds annoying.

Thisisyourcurrentusername · 22/06/2017 20:02

I get help from my mum in regards to childcare I.E one night a week here and there......I still find it hard!

VeuveLilies · 22/06/2017 20:05

Everyone is different, some people find parenting harder than others.

RudeDog · 22/06/2017 20:06

I have a friend who doesn't work who's DD goes to her parents every Sunday (and usually Saturday night) so she gets a chance to do the housework?!?

Thisisyourcurrentusername · 22/06/2017 20:07

Some people are born to be parents, some not so much....I will not hide the fact that I fall into the latter category!

Thisisyourcurrentusername · 22/06/2017 20:08

I also take my DS to his GP house so I can go home and clean, otherwise it won't be done. When he's old enough, I.e walking....he'll do it with me

Peachesandcream15 · 22/06/2017 20:08

Maybe she just had a bad day and was letting off some steam. Maybe you don't know what goes on at her home. Maybe you don't see what happens at night. Maybe the grandparents aren't that much help. I appreciate you're having a bad day but you don't sound like a very good friend.

Urubu · 22/06/2017 20:09

Oh come on OP!
I have twins and both my and DH's families live abroad.
Do I win?

ShastaBeast · 22/06/2017 20:10

Fakename - I found it the opposite, I'm loving working after years of drudgery being a SAHM. And I ended up with them in nursery anyway. I'm not cut out for it, poor kids, they seem to have survived it.

It is hard having no support, families aren't supposed to bring up children in isolation, humans evolved in cooperative groups with someone always able to lighten the load. We now have technology to help but it isn't the same.

However, people should be mindful about who they are complaining too. I remember someone moaning about how tired and stressed they were because they had to work, unlike me. The thing was they chose to mortgage themselves upto the eyeballs for a bigger house, we chose to buy a flat so we'd be financially comfortable. And I bloody count our blessings for a flat when others have to rent.

Purplepotatoe · 22/06/2017 20:10

I could say you are unreasonable though to say you're tired etc when I am a proper single Mum, no DH, no Dad involved, no maintenance, no family or friends nearby, full time job and a commute. If she can't complain then neither can you (and neither can I) as there's always someone who finds it harder for various reasons

AbsolutelyClueless999 · 22/06/2017 20:11

I had DD1 at 15, no support at all and 13 years later we haven't had a night apart. And have just had another DD. I am exhausted, do I win?

JigsawBat · 22/06/2017 20:11

I have no childcare for my DD. I have no parental support. I have found parenting a breeze. Because my daughter is an absolute angel, and so easy to raise.

I have friends that have both sets of parents close, have their children in childcare, and are bordering on breakdowns because they have overly clingy and needy children, or kids that have frequent tantrums, or because they simply can't balance everything they've got going on. Some have PND or anxiety and find even getting out of the house difficult. Some put too much pressure on themselves. Some doubt every parenting action.

They undoubtedly have it much harder than I do.

AbsolutelyClueless999 · 22/06/2017 20:12

Oh and was a single mum for 11 of those years

ShastaBeast · 22/06/2017 20:12

he'll do it with me

Pahahaha

More like he'll walk behind you undoing all your cleaning and tidying.

Giantwhoopsie · 22/06/2017 20:13

I think you are and aren't being unreasonable at the same time.

I can completely see your viewpoint and I also have friends who spend most of their time with their family and have 'date days' and 'date nights' off (very envious of this!) AND they seem to have time to get pampered, go clothes shopping etc (I never do!) and they still moan about how tough it is. BUT I guess it also depend on how tough you find parenting, how difficult/demanding your children are, and whether you've made the transition in to having to tend to other peoples needs 24/7 over your own.

This has just made me think of one friend in particular who doesn't work, has one child who is now 2 but that child went off to a childminder everyday from the age of about 6 months, she has a cleaner, and even when her and her DH moved they got 'packers' in to pack up the house and then unpack at the other end.....she is always saying how tough her life and parenting is.

SongforSal · 22/06/2017 20:14

There is time to batch freeze food. If you cook a Spag Bog one evening for example. Cook extra and freeze half. Do the same with Lasagna, Casserole, Curry ect. That way, some evenings you only have to heat food through if you are time sensitive. (ie, no need to dedicate a day to cooking).

Everyone parent gets knackered regardless of circumstance, children's ages, or external support. We all have different needs, including kids.

Electrolens · 22/06/2017 20:15

Surely you can see yabu op to be griping about someone who you feel has more support than you...and then see others on this thread who are single parents or otherwise who feel you have more support than them...

It's not a competition. It's tough. People have different lives and make it work in the ways they can.

ssd · 22/06/2017 20:15

there's a lot of shit being talked here

the op didn't say anything about single parenting, but if she, as a married mum, had complained to a single mum how hard her life was, you can bet your life the single mum would be pissed off at her and wonder what the hell she had to complain about

same as the op, here, her friend complains about being tired etc whilst offloading her child/children onto the grandparents whenever she feels like it

its nothing to do with some people finding parenting easy, being born to it etc etc, that's a load of crap, we all find parenting hard but it's a damn sight easier when you have granny to offload your kid to whenever you want

ShastaBeast · 22/06/2017 20:17

Some put too much pressure on themselves. Some doubt every parenting action

Some have children who have SN not yet diagnosed causing their children's difficult behaviour. My second was a "normal" baby and it was a breeze in comparison.

rainbowpie · 22/06/2017 20:17

YANBU. I'm a SAHP to a 3yo and a baby and it is tough. I have a fantastic DH but no other family. I do envy those with a lot of family around - mainly because I miss my family but also because they'd help out! I'd love to have regular date nights with DH but babysitters cost money. I have it way better than a lot of people but I am still jealous.

UnbornMortificado · 22/06/2017 20:18

I can see how you would find that upsetting actually.

I'm one of the lucky ones with some support, some things I still do find hard although mostly to do with my MH not my actual DD's. I wouldn't voice this to a friend with no support who I knew was struggling though.

I realise I am lucky.

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