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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really 'ick' about this attempt at sex this morning?

180 replies

Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 13:25

I'm not really sure how to articulate how I feel about what happened this morning. Apologies in advance for the tmi nature of this post, but I could do with talking it out and listening to a few different opinions.

Woke this morning, DH was reading, children asleep. He cuddled me from behind, I was in the mood for sex so kind of rubbed against him. Literally seconds later he spat on his hand, rubbed it on his penis and tried to penetrate me.
I pushed him off and told him i hate that (he knows I hate the spitting thing) and told him I wasn't a blow up doll. He stopped straight away and apologised.
He's working from home today, knows that I'm off with him but yet I seem unable to articulate why. I don't even know myself why I feel so off.

If I'm honest I feel a bit disgusting, I feel like he didn't give me even a seconds thought, like I was just a hole from which he garners pleasure. Oh god I don't know. Am I overthinking it? Would you be pissed off? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 17:52

You're doing a great job single-handedly (or not, reading the thread) defending human saliva, but don't you think it's missing the fucking point and derailing the thread a little bit?

DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 17:53

That was at DameDiazepam

HeyRoly · 22/06/2017 17:54

Surely a teenager shouldn't need lube

I think it's better to teach teenagers, girls especially, that lube can/should be a normal part of mutually satisfying sex.

I wasn't sexually active in my teens, but if I was, I would definitely have needed lube. I've always been rather "petite" and penetration without lube has always been tricky bordering on impossible.

Since when has spit been considered an acceptable lube anyway? Outside of porn that is. It doesn't resemble any lube I've ever used...

Batteriesallgone · 22/06/2017 17:55

I'm totally on your side OP.

My comment was more towards the 'what did she expect' posters. I would have expected him to...wait. See what developed. See if you said anything, etc.

Not just think oh hey she wants sex better get inside ASAP with as little effort as possible

Fruu · 22/06/2017 17:55

Wow, I'm genuinely surprised so many people find spit icky. It's a rubbish lube but always handy.

Having said that, all sexual actions should be consensual, and OP clearly indicated that she didn't consent to ever having that done to her. It doesn't matter what her partner or anyone else thinks, she told him she didn't want it so it shouldn't have happened.

Having your consent violated is often worse than what's actually been done to you, IMHO. It negates your status as a person with rights and feelings.

deffoncforthis · 22/06/2017 17:56

Good Lord Hmm

Not joking I would possibly LTB for this. No issue with saliva, but the act of gobbing on/in you.... to me it's such a fundamentally disrespectful gesture it's about as bad as being hit, certainly worse than the worst kind of names. shudder

I know people are into it on a bdsm type basis and fair enough to them, but even then that's because it would be an impactful thing to "really" do, not an innocuous one. Not for me, a thousand times noe.

EpoxyResin · 22/06/2017 17:58

Dixie I think the thread fairly unanimously concludes that doing something sexual that you know your partner doesn't like is unreasonable. It's hardly derailing for DameDiazepam to raise an eyebrow at the idea that spit in this context is "fucking vile". My eyebrows are practically leaping off head!

EpoxyResin · 22/06/2017 17:59

Since when has spit been considered an acceptable lube anyway?

Since long before there was lube I imagine.

JacquesHammer · 22/06/2017 18:04

But do people not like kiss/snog which defo includes a bit of saliva.
Plus oral

Yes - but that isn't what the OP's partner did.

Rather than attempt any foreplay to ensure she was receptive, he spat in his hand then tried to ram his penis into her. The spit isn't the issue - the issue is that he did something OP has told him explicitly not to

deffoncforthis · 22/06/2017 18:07

Dixie I think the thread fairly unanimously concludes that doing something sexual that you know your partner doesn't like is unreasonable. It's hardly derailing for DameDiazepam to raise an eyebrow at the idea that spit in this context is "fucking vile". My eyebrows are practically leaping off head!

I think it's a given that some people will be into whatever, some people won't.

The relevant thing about this though is that OP doesn't like it, consider it alright or expect it to be happening, we can treat that as a given as well for the purposes of this thread.

Solidarity OP. All the nopes.

pasanda · 22/06/2017 18:09

Morning breath saliva too - eew!!!

EpoxyResin · 22/06/2017 18:10

deffon you have written exactly what I have previously written in response to the OP - so we agree!

Original poster
Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 18:21

I think it's two-fold for me:
The act of spitting which he KNOWS I don't like.
Plus, just the complete lack of any consideration for me, as a person, as nothing more than hole he needs to get inside in under 3 seconds. He knows I don't like the spitting but did it anyway because he wanted a shag more than I wanted not to be spat on.

OP posts:
Binkybix · 22/06/2017 18:41

Otherwise, you've got limited time, your sleepy, can't be arsed to make much effort, what's wrong with a bit of saliva between friends

This is how I feel!

But OP had already said she doesn't like it so it's a bit different.

I am amazed at all the people against spit as lube though.

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2017 18:52

That's absolutely and utterly disgusting. I couldn't be with a man that did this. No way, no how, no ever. You gob up in bed, it's game over.

Talk to him tonight and make it clear once and for all.

Genuonely I feel really disgusted and I'm no prude, but gpbbing up on your hand and rubbing it on your cock, that's a new low.

Hellothereitsme · 22/06/2017 18:53

I don't find penetrative sex pleasurable if I'm not ready. As a teen or in my 20s/30s never needed lube. However I still didn't expect sex to be PIV without any kind of foreplay. I don't orgasm from PIV so I need to get something from it but I do enjoy it - but not just like that!!!!! You are not being unreasonable. He was thoughtless.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/06/2017 18:57

Since when has spit been considered an acceptable lube anyway?

Since long before there was lube I imagine

Yes quite Smile There was a time when it wasn't on every supermarket shelf.

I'm not 'derailing' the thread by pointing out saliva isn't 'fucking disgusting' ESPECIALLY as I've repeatedly pointed out that it's unacceptable as the OP has already told her dh she doesn't like it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/06/2017 19:02

I think that fact you feel nothing more than hole he needs to get inside in under 3 seconds is very telling. This is your husband of 20 years and you're describing everything as ok usually - which I just cannot believe because in a loving, communicative relationship you can just tell the other person you don't like something.

Original poster
Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 19:06

That's how I felt this morning Dame, it's not indicative of how I feel in the marriage generally. We are very communicative but he's away with work now until tomorrow night and I don't want to talk it over on the phone.
Plus, he knows I hate the spitting, he's done it before and I've told him in no uncertain terms to pack it the fuck in! Maybe he doesn't believe me? Or thinks 'she won't mind this once' I don't know what he was or wasn't thinking.

OP posts:
deadringer · 22/06/2017 19:21

Er, says the op actually Smith.

fanfrickintastic · 22/06/2017 19:49

YANBU, you don't like that and have told him.

Personally, he sounds perfect for me! I HATE HATE HATE foreplay and just want to get to it, my husband however is the opposite!

letsmargaritatime · 22/06/2017 20:14

Forget the saliva thing...
Astonished at how many posters think it's fine that she rubs up against him and he immediately tries to penetrate her without even touching her?!!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/06/2017 21:30

Astonished at how many posters think it's fine that she rubs up against him and he immediately tries to penetrate her without even touching her?!!
You're astonished people like different ways of having sex?

6079SmithW · 22/06/2017 23:44

Er, says the op actually Smith.

But the point I was making was that just because that's what it 'signals' to the OP, doesn't mean that it is necessarily what her DH understands** it to mean.

Asparaguswee I don't understand if this is an otherwise ok relationship why it has caused such a strong reaction? Why are you so quick to believe that your DH is selfish, uncaring etc rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt?

PrivatePike · 22/06/2017 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.