Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really 'ick' about this attempt at sex this morning?

180 replies

Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 13:25

I'm not really sure how to articulate how I feel about what happened this morning. Apologies in advance for the tmi nature of this post, but I could do with talking it out and listening to a few different opinions.

Woke this morning, DH was reading, children asleep. He cuddled me from behind, I was in the mood for sex so kind of rubbed against him. Literally seconds later he spat on his hand, rubbed it on his penis and tried to penetrate me.
I pushed him off and told him i hate that (he knows I hate the spitting thing) and told him I wasn't a blow up doll. He stopped straight away and apologised.
He's working from home today, knows that I'm off with him but yet I seem unable to articulate why. I don't even know myself why I feel so off.

If I'm honest I feel a bit disgusting, I feel like he didn't give me even a seconds thought, like I was just a hole from which he garners pleasure. Oh god I don't know. Am I overthinking it? Would you be pissed off? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 14:07

Oh god. Drawer. It's not a good day for my English skills.

Original poster
Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 14:09

No other issues I can think of, not even sure why I've reacted so strongly. I didn't think he saw me as some kind of vessel for his pleasure, sex is always a two way street with us. Except this morning when it was very obviously all about him, what he wanted, when he wanted it, regardless of me.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2017 14:10

YANBU. It's horrible.

Talk to him and explain again what is a massive turn off for you.

livefornaps · 22/06/2017 14:14

If it's spit he wants as a lubricant then he could go down on you first.

This was such a depressing read. He did absolutely nothing to check how you were/if you were enjoying yourself (although - how could you have been as he'd done sweet fa in that respect). He just wanted a hump.

I hope you talk to him & I can't believe in 2017 we are still having these conversations that this type of behaviour is NOT OK. You should not have been left doubting yourself that this is not OK (not your fault). Women are sexual beings too, for fuck's sake, we're not just something to be pumped. Arrrrrgh! Makes me so angry. This isn't about whether it was a "quickie" or not it's just complete disregard for the fact you're not some inanimate object. I hope you explain exactly why what he did was so, so wrong, I hope he apologises and makes it up to you. You need to have this conversation! So many men walking round thinking they're "good guys" when in fact they have outdated and fucked up attitudes towards sex. It is not our role to make them feel better about this. They need to see how their behaviour is wrong, feel shame (like women feel shame everyday!), and then strive to DO BETTER

PsychedelicSheep · 22/06/2017 14:16

I'm not surprised you're pissed off, it was rude and inconsiderate and is unacceptable.

Maybe tmi but sometimes my mind is up for a quickie but due to tiredness/dehydration/whatever my body hasn't always caught up! We have a jar of coconut oil by the bed for these occasions.

I think this situation is different though, especially as you've told him you hate it Angry

6079SmithW · 22/06/2017 14:17

Except this morning when it was very obviously all about him, what he wanted, when he wanted it, regardless of me.

That's hardly a fair statement when you have already said that he was awake reading and you woke up wanting sex so initiated it by rubbing your backside into his groin? Hmm

Is something else upsetting you OP?

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 22/06/2017 14:19

I don't use non-mn emojis on here but 🤢

Syc4moreTrees · 22/06/2017 14:20

I think this is a bit of an over reaction...it snot H waking up spitting and going for it, OP woke up horny, signalled her horniness to him buy grinding against him, and then has become irritated when he has taken this as a cue to get to it?

Are you mad at him for any other reason to make you think this is a bit of a transferred reaction?

AdalindSchade · 22/06/2017 14:23

then has become irritated when he has taken this as a cue to get to it

Getting to it should involve ensuring that your female partner is aroused and ready to be penetrated with your penis. Not simply sticking your penis in.
If you're a man you really need to know this and if you're a woman you shouldn't be putting up with such crap sex dear

Original poster
Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 14:26

No im not angry at him about anything else. I'm angry about this mornings situation though. Yes I was horny, yes I wanted sex but the way he attempted it has made me feel gross and disrespected.
I don't know why either?! Other than to say that's just how it's left me feeling. That was kind of the point of me posting, to try to make some sense of why I feel like this.
If you think I'm over reacting, I'm fine with that. I never expected everyone to agree with me, again, a range of opinions is why I posted. Im going to talk to him though, I'm not one to let things go or keep quiet if something's bothering me. I just want to be able to express to him WHY I feel like this.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 22/06/2017 14:28

Yanbu. I was going to say exactly what storm said.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/06/2017 14:28

That is absolutely disgusting. Just the whole mindset, as well as the actual vomit-inducing action. I hope you can get that across to him, but BLEURGH at having to have sex with the kind of grim individual that would even think of doing that.

Show him this thread.

ArchieStar · 22/06/2017 14:28

Next time you're in the mood seduce him instead of rubbing up against his penis. He's more than a penis, just like you are more than a vagina. It goes both ways. 🙄

This.

Syc4moreTrees · 22/06/2017 14:29

Presumably having been married to her for 20 years H has an idea of his wifes readiness, which she has said was more than sufficient without the spitting. Which i agree does sound a bit grim, but honestly I find spit going in there no worse than and of his other fluids...

I think a conversation with him would be better than sulking though, hes a grown man and shouldn't need reminding that spit isnt for you , but idk, do you think he was trying to assault you in some way?

StormTreader · 22/06/2017 14:30

Isnt rubbing kind of a "yes, im in the mood as well, lets play around" signal though? Its not as if shes given his flacid penis 2 or 3 tugs and said "stick it in then, im ready".

SomeOtherFuckers · 22/06/2017 14:30

He saw you were in the mood and assumed no foreplay or mutual pleasure/tenderness was required so no wonder you're feeling used x

joannegrady90 · 22/06/2017 14:31

Do you not have lube op?

Nabootique · 22/06/2017 14:32

I think if he'd reached for the lube he'd have had to acknowledge he was bypassing any need for foreplay, whereas the spitting he was hoping to pass off in a "ooh, how naughty and porn like of us". It does sound like some stupid thing that he's seen somewhere. I would think it was insufficient as well, to be honest!

tell him £20 in the jar if he does it again and to grab the lube instead!

I'm sure she'd have rather have had foreplay.

AdalindSchade · 22/06/2017 14:32

Oh god you posters are so weird. I wonder if you've actually had sex before!
It's pretty easy to see if a man is aroused, usually involves touching his penis with some part of your body. It's less easy to see if a woman is aroused.
Starting to indicate that you're feeling horny is often achieved by the motion of rubbing a body part against your partner's genital area. When lying as spoons it is common for a woman to rub a man's crotch with her bottom as an indication that she is up for some sex. That doesn't mean she's treating him as just a penis or not seducing him. Plenty of men find that experiencing quite seductive - sorry if you've never experienced that.
The op didn't treat him as just a penis for goodness sake.

Syc4moreTrees · 22/06/2017 14:35

adalin you could maybe suggest that some women find some spitty stealth penetration seductive too by that logic Grin

Most people who have been married for that long know what the score is. I just don't think what he did was that bad. Weird, but not horrendous.

fannydaggerz · 22/06/2017 14:36

That's disgusting.

WhereDoAllTheWildThingsGo · 22/06/2017 14:38

The OP is well within her rights to like and dislike to decide on her sexual practices. But how a bit of finger spitting is deemed disgusting and horrific is just bizarre. I wonder whether most MNetters also demand their partners keep their boxers and trousers on during intercourse and enjoy a rich tea biscuit after the act.

OlennasWimple · 22/06/2017 14:40

It's nasty, porny behaviour, that's why it's troubling you

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2017 14:41

BadHatter "Next time you're in the mood seduce him instead of rubbing up against his penis. He's more than a penis, just like you are more than a vagina. It goes both ways"

Who said he was just a penis. How ludicrous. The OP did not spit on his penis!

EpoxyResin · 22/06/2017 14:41

Er, I do this - the spitting thing - (dons hard hat) and it isn't a "porn thing", it's a practicality thing. Yeah, I can see it could be considered gross by those more refined than myself, but it isn't by me and my partner. So whatever.

OP he "knows you do't like it" - have you told him you don't like it or are you assuming he will have registered your disgust from some sort of subtle body-language cues? I only ask because so often with things of a sexual nature people assume their "bodies do the talking", but ACTUALLY TALKING is still the most effective form of communication.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising - I'll assume you've told him and he does in fact know - which means of course he shouldn't persist in doing something you find a turn-off if he expects you to be turned on!