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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really 'ick' about this attempt at sex this morning?

180 replies

Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 13:25

I'm not really sure how to articulate how I feel about what happened this morning. Apologies in advance for the tmi nature of this post, but I could do with talking it out and listening to a few different opinions.

Woke this morning, DH was reading, children asleep. He cuddled me from behind, I was in the mood for sex so kind of rubbed against him. Literally seconds later he spat on his hand, rubbed it on his penis and tried to penetrate me.
I pushed him off and told him i hate that (he knows I hate the spitting thing) and told him I wasn't a blow up doll. He stopped straight away and apologised.
He's working from home today, knows that I'm off with him but yet I seem unable to articulate why. I don't even know myself why I feel so off.

If I'm honest I feel a bit disgusting, I feel like he didn't give me even a seconds thought, like I was just a hole from which he garners pleasure. Oh god I don't know. Am I overthinking it? Would you be pissed off? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Viviene · 22/06/2017 14:43

Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck

I'm with you about he spitting, it is a horrible, horrible thing. It's not about the fact that it is saliva, it's the spitting part.

Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck

LTB ;-)

Original poster
Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 14:43

Yes he KNOWS I don't like the spitting! As in 'I hate it when you spit in your hand, rub it on your knob and attempt to fuck me when I'm bone dry - NEVER do it again' which I think is quite explicit?!

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 22/06/2017 14:44

Is the reaction because you feel that this morning wasn't about 'you' as an individual (as in, it could have been anyone in his bed)?

Not to mention that it is disrespectful to attempt to foreplay, not see if any lube was needed, not to ask if it was ok - essentially you weren't treated as a person.
That isn't ok.

Why you're feeling the way you do is understandable. What confuses me is that he's done this before, you've told him you don't like it and he's done it again.
I think you need to tell him it's unacceptable for him to disregard your feelings on this, explain he made you feel used this morning and that you expect more from him if he wants to keep a sex life in future!

EpoxyResin · 22/06/2017 14:45

Yup, totally explicit OP, he's bang out of order in that case!

...but the spitting thing, some couples really do think that's okay. But there's always sex stuff that's one person's gross and another person's "sure, why not?".

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2017 14:46

*babybell89& "It's often done in porn" A pretty good reason to avoid it, I'd say.

"be a habit or he is trying not to hurt you." There are loads of ways not to hurt women that don't involve spitting!

Syc4moreTrees · 22/06/2017 14:47

asparaguse...I think maybe it's just some crossed signals, he assumed you were up for a morning quickie and what you actually wanted was something else.

Original poster
Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 14:48

I think you've hit the nail on the head handbagcrazy....

OP posts:
Original poster
Asparaguswee · 22/06/2017 14:50

No, I wanted the quickie, does that mean I have to accept the spitting?! There really isn't any other way of having a quickie without spitting trees?

OP posts:
Buthewasstillhungry · 22/06/2017 14:50

Eugh gross- YADNBU.

sadsquid · 22/06/2017 14:55

tell him £20 in the jar if he does it again and to grab the lube instead!

Jesus God, the idea that you need to make up games to coax partners out of doing things they already know you hate. Hey, why not make him a star chart? If he doesn't thoughtlessly gross out his wife for a whole week he wins a blowjob, yay!

OP, he was being thoughtless and rubbish. Is he normally better than this? If he is, I'd chalk this up to a moment of total stupidity, explain how it made you feel, and try to forget about it (provided it actually stops, of course). Emotions around sex run high - your feelings are totally understandable but it doesn't mean he actually does think of you as a blow-up doll - could be he just reckoned he had a fun idea and went for it without thinking properly about how it would be for you.

JemmyBloocher · 22/06/2017 14:55

Saliva is just so dirty and the fact that he has done this before, he knows you don't like it and yet he did it again is utterly foul and disrespectful. Shame on him. Definitely not unreasonable of you. Also whoever says 'it goes both ways', rubbing up against someone'scrotch is very different from someone putting spit-laden fingers near your vagina without a by your leave. Gross.

wonderingsoul · 22/06/2017 14:55

It wouldnt bother me.... but thats me.

Youv said you dont like it so he shouldnt have done it. Is it because he hasnt lostned to you and isnt taking into considerarion your feelinga knowing you dont like it thats bothering you?;

Shoxfordian · 22/06/2017 14:56

It's really not unreasonable for you to expect him to respect you in bed

Is he usually disrespectful?

rightwhine · 22/06/2017 15:03

If you've already said to him about the spitting, tell him that you never ever want to be in that situation that again - if he does do it again after explicitly telling him never ever to do it then you have bigger problems in your relationship than this "ick" feeling.
If you already told him explicitly then you need to look closely at whether you can stay.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/06/2017 15:11

I'm usually of the euwwwchhh-really?! persuasion but the only thing I find wrong with this (and it is a big wrong) is that he knows she doesn't like it.

Otherwise, you've got limited time, your sleepy, can't be arsed to make much effort, what's wrong with a bit of saliva between friends?

BartholinsSister · 22/06/2017 15:11

It's only spit, not bin juice.

EpoxyResin · 22/06/2017 15:16

I'm completely with you histinyhands. I'm also a bit baffled everyone's saying it's a porn thing; perhaps it is in porn these days - I wouldn't know - but it's definitely been a thing since loooong before that. What on earth did all the pearl-clutchers do in their teenaged years in the back of the car with 15 minutes to spare before the end of lunchtime and not a bottle of lube in sight??

deadringer · 22/06/2017 15:17

As pp poster said rubbing up against your dp is a signal that you are up for playing around, its not a signal for instant penetration. I hate spit and spitting, but when its in your mouth its warm and part of your mouth iykwim, so its part of kissing/oral whatever. But spitting on his hands then rubbing it on his penis to put inside you would be very yucky and porny for a lot of women, the op being one of them. She had been very clear that her dp knows she doesn't like it but did it anyway. That makes him a dick.

StormTreader · 22/06/2017 15:19

Personally the spit wouldnt bother me at all, but the reason for the spit was total inconsiderate indifference to the OPs enjoyment or not, and THAT would bother me.

EpoxyResin · 22/06/2017 15:23

Agreed that he's a dick for continuing to do something his DP doesn't like. Total dick. And the reason for the spit? Unacceptable - agreed.

But spit in general, not rank for everyone. Just sayin'.

cakecakecheese · 22/06/2017 15:29

Er well saliva can be useful but a finger in the mouth is much less icky than the act of spitting, but yeah a better use of his time would have been to attempt to get you wet enough to not need it. However I do agree that the big issue here is him doing something you have told him not to. Not on at all.

6079SmithW · 22/06/2017 15:42

rubbing up against your dp is a signal that you are up for playing around, its not a signal for instant penetration

Says who? Obviously part of the problem here is that not everyone has the same likes/dislikes/boundaries/definition of the signals

I'm utterly baffled by the amount of posters condemning this man (not to mention being able to read his mind and advise OP of what he was obviously thinking during the act Biscuit) Yes, OP has told him before that she doesn't like it, so yes he shouldn't have done it but they have been (I assume happily) married for 20 years. He can't be that bad.

deadringer · 22/06/2017 15:42

Epoxy we get it, you like spit! As a side issue, I have never used lube, ever. After reading this thread I feel a bit Hmm am I weird?

MargotLovedTom1 · 22/06/2017 15:45

BartholinsSister
"It's only spit, not bin juice."

Completely agree.

LoveB · 22/06/2017 15:47

That is really rank