To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

AllFur, I'm really glad that you've sorted this as far as it can be sorted at the moment. Cancelling the invite was definitely the right thing to do and doing it without drama can't have been easy, so kudos to you.

I think this thread has been mostly great. Watching people give out advice and offering possibilities that have helped you understand the dynamic better has been a real joy to watch. Watching some people be utter cunts, not so much.

I mean maybe those people aren't being utter cunts, maybe they've lived such perfect blame-free lives that they truly don't understand that our teens and twenties can be a time of learning, messing up, getting back on the horse and hopefully, learning enough to make a real go of our lives and find ourselves and happiness. The fact that you haven' t been a drinker or used drugs in twelve years is amazing, that you stopped when you were 25, is also pretty amazing. Some of us only started to sort ourselves out once we got to and past the big 3-0. My twenties were a train wreck, all centering around huge issues that led me to self-medicate with booze and drugs. I was neither an alcoholic - although inches away from being one - nor an addict, but I was a bitch on wheels and I knew it and hated myself for it, but I hated myself already so ... the merry-go-round went on.

I haven't done drugs in years, I drink so little that I'm as close to teetotal as you can get without actually being teetotal and while my life is far from what I wanted for myself, I'm really proud of myself and anyone who isn't can do one. Anyone who thinks that the past should be brought up over and over and over again, no matter how much one apologises, no matter how hard one works to be a better person, no matter how long one is not the nightmare of the past, is cruel. Or, let's say if a person feels like that then they should remove themselves from the reformed person's life because their resentment is toxic.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. Good on you, I hope that you are truly proud of yourself, because you should be. And fuck the begrudgers.

Thing is, you sister could seek help to process her issues and move on. If she wanted to.

But I think she enjoys the drama too much to let go.

P.s. I don't actually know that you don't drink any longer, but it doesn't matter. You clearly don't drink to excess and aren't using alcohol as a crutch, so good on you either way.

Bollocks to the sister feeling hurt and resentful towards the OPs behaviour in the past. They have been on holiday together - is that the actions of someone who has been tormented all these years by her sisters previous actions. Is it shite.

She has built the OP as a nutcase to her friends and in laws to make herself more interesting

If she's happy enough to go on holiday etc with you then I wouldn't accept the excuse that she isn't over her childhood with you. She's being a bitch. Or maybe, your older sister has something to do with this. If younger is happy to see you and go on holiday while older sister isn't there then maybe older is the one controlling the strings when it comes to kids parties.

Good grief, MrsDesireeCarthorse, are you OP's sister? Did you not read all of Op's posts? The little sister was as much trouble as Op was and I don't think she was traumatized in any way by Op through the years. That sister is jealous of how well Op turned her life around and about how lovely Op truly is. Well done, Op!!

Well! I called our big sister an hour ago. I rarely ring her but this has all played on my mind so much today I wanted to see if she had any thoughts. The conversation went like this...
'I can't believe x is 5 years old tomorrow!'
'I know! Where did that time go?'
'Are you going to the party?'
'Yes, I can't wait to see her little face when she sees the fall all decorated up and her big bouncy castle'
'I know. Unfortunately we haven't been invited again'
'What?! I thought DH was working and you didn't have a car again'
'Er...is that what you've been told? We've never been invited'
'Oh....what's that all about then? I thought DH was working so you couldn't come'
'Nope. He's definitely on holiday from work this year too. It would be lovely to get an invite'

So she's told close family I can't/ don't want to come.

It sounds like maybe your sis is badmouthing you to others which is why she doesn't invite you but is happy to see you 1-2-1.

Don't keep apologising if you didn't hurt them directly. The one who was affected was you & u have pulled yourself out of the mess. Well done u OP!

You've done well for yourself. If your sister can't be civil just ignore her. It does sound a bit like sibling rivalry as well. Maybe she wanted to be a model way more than you or is just extremely jealous of you.

It's not fair to you to be treated this way. Phone her and Say to her that you know she has told people you can't go. Say it's a shame as you would have liked to had you been invited. Ask why everyone else is. She will probably falter. Do not give her any squirming room. Don't be cross just speak calmly and listen. Then finish the call and walk away. She does feel resentment towards you that may or may not change. You can also say that you would prefer her not bring up the past in front of people as it upsets you and if she gets angry then maybe take a break from holidays and get togethers for a bit. Give her a chance to miss you! You can make this work but you be treated fairy to have a good future relationship. Good luck

I called her. Very calmly I said 'I know that you told people you invited me and we're too busy to come'. She put the phone down on me.
I feel so sad. 😢

Aw that's awful

You're little sister certainly seems to want you painted as the black sheep of the family

I'm glad you've called her on her crappy PA behaviour, OP. She's obviously been allowed to get away with it for years ... this should be interesting now that you've brought it to the attention of your other sister as well.

What. A. Grade. A. Bitch!

I hope you make it clear to your mum as well, she may believe her lies too.

I guess that now I know exactly where I stand and in a way it's a relief. I'm devastated that she's refusing to speak to me now, and I wonder what fall out there will be and how she'll pin the blame on me. But I'm so glad I posted here and got the support and advice from you ladies. Yes, there's been a few posts that gave made for difficult reading but if there's one thing my relationship with my little sister has given me is a thick skin. So thank you, regardless of your take on my situation. You've given me food for thought.
Some of you have been bloody lovely though and have been so understanding when I felt that I was screaming in to the abyss at times with this situation. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. It's been so cathartic to be able to put my version of events across at long last and to feel believed and supported. Xx

Well done on calling the little bitch out.

Expect a backlash of nasty behaviour though...

It's just horrible of her, all about power and games, to keep you excluded.

I would call your Mum tonight and ask her if she knew why you weren't going to the party and set her straight with the truth.

Well done OP. She hung up because she didn't know what to say and panicked. I am sure it will work out between the two of you and when it does it will hopefully be a fresher start. You have helped her and she will remember that. It hurts now but at least you won't have to spend the next few years not being invited to secret parties and being lied to and knowing about it. You did the right thing.

I don't invite one of my siblings & thier kids to my very infrequent get togethers.
Why? They can't be in a room without arguing - swearing & it means others don't get to relax .....
For example : I was in hospital after a major op and they stood at the end of my bed winding each other up .... the women opposite had just come out of surgery the night before ..... now I try to live with feeling shit & feeling guilty for for not inviting them. I can handle them in two,s - we went to theirs and we have had two lovely family days & for some reason it's general less fractious when they are hosting for us as they are all trying harder .... families are complicated & different life choices sometimes mean you just have to adapt & make it work for you .... if you can't talk about it with them you may never understand why .... or maybe deep down you may know ....
Either way good luck but try & stay friends I love my sibling & the kids but I couldn't live with them

I too would call your Mum so she doesn't get chance to spoil that relationship. She will be pulling people in to take sides. I feel sorry for her daughter

for you OP; I have spent so many years trying to be friends with my brother and sister, and it's never really been reciprocated. Instead they are just mildly contemptuous towards me in a very passive way. It sucks.

Sorry just saw your last few posts....so my previous remarks not quite relevant ...

Why not ask her directly? She is your sister after all

Oh Op I'm sorry you've found out that she's not very nice but you sound lovely, try your best to put all your energy into you and your family.