To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

I have a brother who I'm not close to. He has a drink and drug history and I think it's been hard for him to see the effect it had on the whole family. I always tell myself I've forgiven him but then when I see him in RL it's such hard work. He would argue that he's moved on and it's true that he is off the hard stuff but a lot of the selfishness is still there. You say that your behaviour won't have affected your siblings as they didn't see it - but how would you know? None of this for one second excuses your sisters behaviour but I do have some sympathy with the posters who are suggesting that the upsets run deeper than you think.

This is not finished OP. You have yet to hear the reason for her horrible behaviour. I expect she hung up because she had no idea what to say. What could she say really?? She was bang to rights.
Leave her to stew - you have the moral high ground. But do speak to your mum - hopefully big sis will have helped in that regard.
I'm sure she'll get in touch but I have no idea what you'll hear when she does. All the best

I totally understand where you're coming from Ferret. But I've spent my entire adult life trying to diffuse or divert trouble so I really resent my label as a trouble maker. A few christmases ago we were talking about an old school friend who had sadly passed away with cancer leaving behind two children. We were saying how terrible the situation was and who you would trust to care for your precious children. Much of this was alcohol fuelled by my little sister and her partner. All was fine with this conversation until the husband of my older sister who is known for being a bit difficult said with a straight face 'I wouldn't have your kids in my house if you died. They'd go in to care'. Because I'm shit scared of causing trouble within the family and affirming my 'trouble maker' label I just smiled. I'm so sick of being 'nice' yet labelled the cunt.

Wow your BIL is a charmer isn't he (be grateful for small mercies - you're not married to him).

I know you've been trying to paint your mother in this as fine. But it isn't fine for her to stay out of things when her children are hurting. It just continues to fuel the fire and resentment. She's copping out of her role as a parent tbh. By not shutting down this whole "scapegoating" thing she is perpetuating it.

Have you really thought about why you went off the deep end when you were younger? Were family dynamics part of it because tbh it sounds a nightmare? I'm not saying that to hurt you but to sympathise.

There was never going to be a happy ending in confronting your sister about the party. It isn't your fault OP. It suits your sister to have a punch bag. Not so much when the punch bag hits back .

My mum has always been an ostrich - she'd rather stick her head in the sand than confront the issue. She's still a wonderful mum and I love her to death, I'd be lost without her. But asking her to get involved in this conflict

Sorry, posted too soon.
to get involved in this conflict is a complete waste of time. She can't. And I wouldn't want her to, it would upset her.

Yes, I've had therapy and thought lots and lots about why I went off the rails as a youth. I'm not sure I share these views, but the general consensus amongst counsellors and psychotherapists is that an incident that happened when I was 9 is important. Mum and dad had a pub. An elderly, fat, cigar smoking bin man was a patron. He kissed and touched me. When my big sister told my mum and dad (she found me crying) they ignored it all and continued to let him frequent the pub and take his money.

I wonder what she would have said if you had called and just said ' we would love to come to nieces party do you mind?'

Text her .... say you would like to come to party this year as you are both free and would hate your niece to think you don't ever make the effort.

If you text you have it in black & white should any one think it's you that is being difficult.

Don't over dramatise this as it really isn't worth it ....
also ask your other sister for advice again do it by text and don't be dramatic just say what should I do - I'd love to be at the party but I'm not sure how to move this situation forward without upsetting anyone.

This will show others you are being sensitive and looking for a way to make things right & your words can't be twisted or misconstrued
Good luck .... & don't let it get you down

id ask her about party and if it is true then tell her she can't stay overnight as you have new plans.

The last few years my kids have not been invited to my SIL daughters birthday parties last one spread over 4 days cinema bowling make up/tatoos and owl display .. with my kids not invited to any i found out on Facebook as well we live literally 10 mins away

That's terrible about the abuse being ignored. Similar happened to me as a child. Ignored too.

OH OP... hugs to you....now you know where you stand and your sister thinks you don't even deserve an explanation. Sounds like you are too good for them and they are just trying to push you to breaking point with all this stuff they say and do... don't give them the satisfaction.

Members of your family are just dysfunctional... read your post about your brother in law not having your kids if you died... what a bastard...what have kids done wrong? also understand your sister may have issues with you, but they are depriving your children from attending their cousins party... sorry but i don't have any respect for such people. stay away from them ... they don't seem to need you and although it gonna be hard... you need to learn not to need them.

Hugs to that 9yr old you and hugs to you now. Despite you being honourable to your family now, there are a few toxic individuals who are too keen to try and trip you up.

Does older Ddis DH get on with younger Ddis? These two seem too keen to goad you.

Your best way forward is to continue with your life lived well. For being a good daughter, mother, wife, sister and friend.

Your best apology in life for previous behaviour is kindness and this comes
From all your posts.

FWIW, I'd like a sister like you

*DSis not Ddis

You should tell your mum that your sister is telling people lies about you going. I hope you aren't having your sister to stay before the party?

Your goign to hate me saying this,,, but hear goes..

The reason your not invited is also the reason your on here.

You react to things, and make them into more than they are..

So they don't invite you or tell you, so you can't react.

Mummy who are you then? The sister? Or one of her friends? And I'm going to be a dick and point out that it's "you're" and "here".

Mummy actually, I think OP has been rather non-reactive and rather measured.

Your post is either random and badly written, or it's meant to be cryptic. Care to explain?

Sorry, because I don't have anything to add, but just wanted to say I'm in awe of you allfurcoatandnoknickers for the honest and brave way you've taken the posts on board on this thread.

And for how it's turned out, but at least you know now. Things may yet move on, and I hope they do for you; but if they don't at least next time you know you can text your big sis "so sad we've not been invited again".

The only other thing I'd add is what a pity for the children that they're not getting the opportunities they should to bond as cousins. They're losing out because of family history, which is such a shame and a waste.

I really hope things change in the future.

The more you share the more upset I feel for you OP

You said to take a step back and focus you your family and your husband

Maybe now is the time . Your head
Must be all over the place and you are very upset

Have a quiet weekend - turn your phone off , have a cry . Sending hugs your way xxxxx.

I don't doubt that your sister has major issues too and that's why she is such a twisted butch but fuck em them all

You react to things, and make them into more than they are..

jeesh.
It was definitely the abuse by the older man. If others ignore it you feel dirty, shamed, that you have this shameful secret that makes you a lesser being than the rest of the family who it didn't happen to. Because ime in a child's mind, the fact it is ignored and unacknowledged means you are the one to blame, it happened to you because of who or what you are.
Obviously it's a shameful secret because NO ONE TALKED ABOUT - probably the most horrible experience of your life and NO ONE renders it of any consequence or important. It is what you deserve being the type of child you are, of course no one is bothering to talk about.
It is devastating and effects your whole life.

As for DM being nice and caring - hmmmmm. Would you have this reaction if the same happened to your DD Allfur?
Adults embarrassment, or whatever stopped them from dealing with this event, just feeds your shame as a child you think if THEY can't even talk about it it must be a terrible, terrible thing that happened.

Your little sister sounds spiteful and manipulative and I do have to wonder why you even want to. e around her. And as for your mother - ignoring your abuse and refusing to stand up for you - what an abdication of responsibility on her part.

OP I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this but you have handled it brilliantly. To me she sounds really rather spoilt. She was the golden child and the youngest and seems very used to having things exactly as she wants them. She hung up on you as she didn't not want to admit to anyone or herself that she was the one who had done something wrong.

OP your sister sounds manipulative and has treated you really badly. She will now go into self preservation mode and will try to pin the blame on you. Don't take it lying down. Be calm and tell people you are hurt and don't know why she is acting like this.

You won't ever be able to do anything right in their eyes, but I'm sure one day they'll regret how they treated you. By then it'll be too late - you'll have rightly moved on to a place where they mean very little. Next step may be sisters trying to alienate your mum from you, so watch out for that.

The best revenge is to live well and happily and raise your children so that they love and support eachother.

Wish I could have the snide posts deleted for you, but they probably help in a twisted way.

Ime there is also a knock on effect if a child is abused - behaviour towards other DCs can be affected. I expect younger DD doesn't know about the 'event', perhaps DM was much more protective of her because of what happened to you, OP. In DSis eyes, doting DM treated you all the same, so she can't see why you went off the rails.
You seem too protective of your DM, Allfur, possibly acting dithery but warm hearted was a way of your DM abdicating responsiblity for stuff she should have dealt with.
In the end it is most likely your DM and DF's behaviour in the past which is causing this friction between siblings.