To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

Hi Bunkai
No, my mum is a very straight forward matter of fact type character. In my 37 years she has never got involved in any family conflict, said anything particularly mean about her children, played us off against one another or given me anything with strings attached. She's brilliant. She hasn't always been perfect but she's been unflinching in her love for all of us.
Mum didn't do anything when my sister stole from me. I think she believed my sister because she had a better track record than I did, but mum never actually said that.
The recent conversation I had with her in which I talked about my relationship with my little sister, she was very careful not to cause trouble or say anything that could be construed as 'slagging off' anyone. Her favourite phase is 'least said soonest mended' which gets my goat every time.

Slagging you off in the premeditated way of waiting for an audience suggests to me that she is simply using you for ego supply. She does it for a superiority kick at your expense. It is in the same category as orchestrating a conflict and stepping back for the entertainment. (Well done for identifying that!)

Not inviting you is a power thing too. It may just be the family party/kid friends separation boundary as previously said, but that doesn't compute with how close you are on other occasions.

Then happy nice-nice on other occasions?
This is very two-faced and duplicitous. Do you know which way she will be when you see her? Does she act one way on her turf so to speak and another way when she is away from home?

I agree with stepping away and taking a break from the relationship.

Stop apologising now and never apologise for your childhood/teen/youthful mistakes again. Start a small bit of retaliatetion by relating stories where she's the bad guy in the same manner she brings up your youth. Point out you were both different people then, you've grown up etc. Don't just let her push you down like this. Take a 'we all make mistakes' attitude, and if she insists then remnd her of her own imperfections with a few funny stories.

Fight back in kind, with kindness if you can.

I hate hearing how your sis is behaving towards you. She's a bitch.

I agree with Jux if you're with sis and she starts say loudly yes I remember that, do you remember when you did x, then start telling the most embarrassing, cringeworthy story about your sis. Maybe she WEt herself at the Nativity Play or her only Valentine card when she was 14 was from her dad, that kind of thing. Get the crowd laughing at her, every time. She'll get bored.

So what if the brother in law holds a grudge? Do you really want to be part of a family that uses you for bed and board but doesn't invite you to their family gatherings year after year after year?

I'm sorry, but I would (and I have) cut them off and get on with making the best life for my own little family. Life really is too short for this kind of shit attitude from grown up siblings.

Absolutely NO way would I be having them in my house, it is not their fault you are in this position, but it is a bit much to expect to stay at yours the night before.

I am not sure I would even be talking to my sister if she did this, how awful for you.

Your sister is jealous of you IMO. You have done to well for yourself, in spite of your pat fuck ups, and she's jealous. She resents that you landed on your feet and got everything you want: lovely husband, lovely children, nice life. So she deliberately sabotages you at every chance she gets to try and make herself look/feel better. Says more about her than it does you, and none of it nice.

I've seen if before, sadly.

Sounds to me like she was wildly jealous of all the attention you got when you were both younger and needs to grow the fuck up.

Sorry, I have only read some of the other replies so apologies if this is repetitive - your sister is being extremely rude and passive aggressive. You need to confront this issue. My two sisters booked a holiday together this year and didn't mention it to me...I made sure to mention it when I found out, not aggressively, but just made it clear that their actions were extremely hurtful and that I can't understand why they would treat me like that...there was a lot of mumbling, and 'oh I thought we asked you'- bollocks.... I know they'll ask me next year but I won't go...they can go f**k themselves. We get on well though, until this subject comes up

OP, I cannot tell you how much your story mirrors mine. Except my family were all too willing to forgive me (sisters, brother and Dad). My mum? Of course not. The ones who don't want to forgive are the abusers and the flying monkeys (and I hate that term, but in a family it is all too apt). You are doing great, and your exclusion is a blessing in disguise. Make it permanent.

Never understood families that don't just have it out when there's a problem. Me my sister and brother pull each other up straight away if the other has done someonthing to piss the other off. You have a tongue. Use it.

You need to find out why, even its upsetting. This can't go on. Maybe her partners family don't like you, in which case you should be alternating with them. I suspect this is the case and that they organize/bankroll the party and your sister is too weak/soft hearted to say anything. Or just turn up on Sat... 😱

Thank you all for your responses. It's helped me to see what's going on here and what to do about it.
Having it out with her would be the most sensible option, but I know that in this case that would be playing in to her hands. The best way to piss her off would be by being happy, successful and kind to others so that's what I'll strive to be.
I'll take a step back but remain polite and civil to her always. I know I can't tell her outright how I feel or she will use it against me to prove that I'm mental, and I can't stop her from bad mouthing me. But I would love to know how I can send her a very clear message that I know what her game is.

Horrible situation for you OP...your right though, the best revenge is living well x

When in her company repeating back any digs loudly and then saying something like "how nice of you to rake up the past " would embarrass her.

Call her out on it. When she starts in public say 'oh here we go, why do you always wait for an audience to slag me off? Is it to make yourself feel superior?

Allfur - Living well without a toxic passive aggressive manipulating sibling can only enhance your life, who needs such nasty game playing?

Definitely do not play into her hands by causing a family argument by having it out with her, she would LOVE for you to do this and blame you for it.... it will end up a huge drama, and she needs something to pin on you.
You have two choices as I see it:

1. turn up as if you have been invited, take a bottle of wine and thank you her very sweetly for the invite and tell her you look forward to next year. Follow up with a card about loving sisters being there for each other always and play her at her own game.

2. Move her away from your life altogether and reduce her to christmas card list if that. Deciding your life is too short for spiteful people

3. Host your own family party every year and forget to invite her - repeat for ten years.

She doesn't care about getting the message, she has done this to wound and hurt you. Sad when your sister is supposed to be the one person on your side and covering your back, but you are not alone. It happens in lots of families.

I added a third choice for luck!

Could you talk about someone you know who is being scapegoated in a similar way? Point out some behaviours that this person (I.e. your sister) displays. If she has some self-awareness, she will recognise herself.

Or you could just have a fabulous party and not invite her?

Party!!!!

Birdsgottafly summed it up perfectly.

Everything about your sister's behaviour is screaming to me that ostensibly she has forgiven you but in reality she hasn't at all. That she has been unable to do so, and that she still bitterly resents you for everything you put the family through - the ruined occasions, the scenes, the sheer selfishness of an addict. Her stealing and deliberate scapegoating of you at the time was her way of getting back at you for what you were doing to her, and it amazes me that you have the nerve to be fucked off with her for it. You were a horror from your own confession, and at the most she was early 20s when you stopped. What the fuck else did you expect from her back then?

Re-read Bird's post again. It speaks volumes to me that you say this:

those who think that the past can never be forgotten and I don't deserve to have the slate wiped clean.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. Don't you understand that? It's not about what you deserve, it's about SHE IS NOT READY to give you that properly. She is stuck. She is trying, and at times she is managing, but at other times her feelings are boiling over, which results in her being fucking nasty to you.

Re-read Bird's post. It can take YEARS to get over what you inflicted on her when she was almost certainly a teenager. Years.

And that modelling claim off your mum is bullshit. As is jealousy. You put your sister through hell, she still has major issues as a result. She is not unusual in that respect. So stop thinking about what you deserve, because she certainly didn't deserve what you did to her 12 years ago.

Well with all the updates

Sound like someone behaved nastily at home that affected the dynamic (sorry you had this ) and that casts long shadows into adulthood

This thing of being nice one to one and nasty in a regroup is very unkind . Regardless of the past her unkindness is hard to swallow

You deserve better basically / hope this thread has been cathartic and not too painful

But I didn't do anything to her all those years ago. I got kicked out of school, got disgustingly thin and ill, had a string of unsuitable boyfriends, went on a massive long party that lasted about 6/7 years. I was rarely home and my family knew next to nothing about my life. The only time my sister ever paid me the slightest bit of attention is when I was in trouble with my dad and she was positively gleeful about that.
I can't say for certain that my behaviour didn't affect her in a negative way. But I can say I'm pretty sure I never did anything bad to her. She was always my baby sister, and I would do anything for her. I honestly don't think that she is in anyway damaged by me.

Also I wouldn't refer to myself as a addict. I was just someone who took recreational drugs rather a lot. And drank silly amounts of alcohol. Yes I caused a scene at a few family events. Yes I was a selfish, thoughtless little bitch at times. But the rest of my family haven't mentioned my former indiscretions for decades and I don't think they even know I had a drug problem. It's just the one family member who insists I serve a life sentence because I was a cowbag to my parents when I was younger.