To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

Birdsgottafly I would also consider how OP's sister exploited OP's behaviour to get away with things (stealing her possessions and denying it, winding OP up and watching her explode). The sister is not innocent.

I would like to stop this bollocks about DS painting me as an evil psycho bitch to everyone she meets, but how?

By simply being your normal, wonderful self.
Don't try to convince people or argue the toss with them, let them see with their own eyes that you're not the fuck-up she makes out.

if she starts making digs in front of you - put her in her place.

There are two types of people here on this thread. Those who believe it's possible for a former wild child to change her ways and that I've earned the right to a second chance. And those who think that the past can never be forgotten and I don't deserve to have the slate wiped clean. I suppose my sister falls in to the second category.

I'd just like to clarify on the drugs/alcohol and awful behaviour thing though. I wouldn't exactly describe myself as a former addict, although I'm happy with this label if it fits. I took amphetamines mostly in order to keep my weight down to about 7 1/2 stone. The social side of the job meant I drank lots and partied hard. I was a total cow bag to my family, I'm sure, but the people who suffered most were myself and my poor old dad. He worried about me greatly. I had a history of drinking huge amounts and then kicking off and getting angry. I've done this at a number of family events and for that I'm truly sorry and felt immediate shame. But I haven't been drunk in about 12 years or caused such an incident so I believe I'm a reformed character.

You have evolved, but it sounds like your sister is suffering from arrested development. It takes a freight train full of honesty and courage to look at one's own behavior and change. You did it. Your sister has not, and may never without some sort of miraculous epiphany. Imho, she lacks self awareness as she has done very hurtful things to you beyond your distant past of being an angry drunk.

Who she has probably spent time slagging you off to. If you show up in person as the success story you are, you make her look like the jealous insecure twit she is.
I agree with this and it looks like D(desperate) S is continuing a bun fight sibling rivalry behind your back- so convenient that you are not there to contradict her.

Any chance you get, debrief your niece on how awful hurtful gossip and verbal bullying can be, of course without referring to your sister.

Was your mum never invited to the parties either? She must live too far away as well, as just down the street from you. Perhaps D'S is also jealous of your closeness with mum?

There are two types of people here on this thread. Those who believe it's possible for a former wild child to change her ways and that I've earned the right to a second chance. And those who think that the past can never be forgotten and I don't deserve to have the slate wiped clean. I suppose my sister falls in to the second category

yes and no

as I said earlier you have evolved, and rightly you are seeing this issue for what it is, and maybe some distance is a good thing. But bear in mind its never black and white, your sisters resentment might be 100% jealousy - but can you say hand on heart that your behaviour never ever EVER affected her?

My DC are affected when one child is arguing with a parent, if DS 1 is having a hissy fit, DS2 is upset. and so on

maybe your sister saw your parents being upset when you were out off your tits on amphetamines, or maybe when you didn't come home?

I think you are on the right path but its a wee bit concerning that you are very quick to say "she is a jealous" cow bag and not try and think about what's driving her. that's all

I think op has done fantastically, getting herself clean and really creating a new and positive life, yes her past actions might have affected her, and there is some resentment over that, but op is trying her best, there is only so much you can be treated like rubbish. I think distance is a good thing, mabey it will do you both some good.

I think the simple explanation might be that your dsis doesn't want you mixing with her social circle. If you're getting on fine in general then the party crops up and things change. Just focus on your self op. Leave her to her silliness.

What you did shouldn't be a life sentence. If your sister is choosing to make it one, that's something you need to come to terms with. Don't make your life about her. You are worth so much more than her and the scraps of love she gives you. The best thing you can do is be the best mum and best you that you can be. I know it hurts.

It's not about 'deserving' to have the slate wiped clean. It's that events in formative years can have a long-term impact and that it's naive or wilfully obtuse to think your behaviour didn't impact your sibling. She seems to have created one boundary in her relationship with you (concerning this party) and you're trying to break it down.
People are allowed to have boundaries.Boundaries are healthy but they are often skewed in families that have a history of abuse whether it be substance abuse or emotional abuse or physical abuse.

I'm absolutely not trying to break down any boundaries that she might have put up, which is why I haven't mentioned anything about not being invited to the family party for the last 4 years. I just wish they'd stayed with the usual MO this year and not lied to me. Honesty would be much appreciated, even if it's hard for me to hear.

Good! You're doing exactly what I would do.

but can you say hand on heart that your behaviour never ever EVER affected her?

what about the sisters behaviour towards OP growing up?
OP's feelings are just as valid yet the sis isn't being forever 'punished' for it.

If the DSis believes that your behaviour in the past had a negative long term effect on her life/character then she is not going to forgive and forget, or at least not yet.
I would think she will come round eventually but this not inviting you is a maybe like a reminder to all the family of what (in her eyes) you inflicted on her in the past.
Perhaps a conversation with her, if you are ok to hear what she says, and apology from you might sort it.
My siblings hold beliefs about other family members going back 40 years, and there's no sign of them putting them aside. And they are nothing like as extreme as your behaviour was.

I don't understand why this would be a jealousy thing. Unless I've misunderstood, it seems that your sister invites you to other stuff, just not her child's birthday party. Which is hardly a massive social event.

Something else is going on here.

OP I honestly would stick to your guns and left the sisters to it. You obviously have your own lovely family and your mum. It could well be that they are deeply hurt by things that have happened in the past, sometimes it is hard to forgive things that happened even 20 years ago. I don't know that you can hold that against people however you have done amazingly well in facing your problems and turning it all around regardless of what others think. Definitely get on with your life and leave them to it.

The thing is, I've talked it over with her a lot. And I've apologised till I'm blue in the face. I honestly don't believe that my behaviour directly impacted on her, certainly not to the degree that other family members behaviour would have. There was violence and bullying in the family when we were kids, but the perpetrator of this never had to apologise and went to his grave completely absolved of any guilt. It's almost as if it never happened. I don't feel in any way angry or bitter about this, but it does beg the question of why my sister continues to paint me as a trouble maker so many years later.
The rest of my family don't constantly punish me for my past. It's just my little sister, but she does it in such an odd way. Rather than say to my face 'I hate you because...' she waits until she has an audience and then starts. She tells people I'm a basket case and makes them dislike me before they've ever met me. I don't know why she does this and I'd very much like her to stop.

OP, ask yourself why anyone scapegoats anyone else.

I suspect that it's not you the person, it's the bogeyman you that your DS has conjured up. My guess is that she will hang onto the bogeyman unless she manages to grow up.

She sounds like she feels you will steal her friends, so tries to put them off you before they meet you. She sounds like she feels threatened by you.

She waits for an audience because she doesn't have the guts to confront you on her own, because deep down she knows she's in the wrong.

It sounds like she wants a relationship with you on her terms only.

She needs to know it doesn't work like that. Do you invite her to your family events? I would stop that immediately.

My sister got drunk and proceeded to spend a good hour or two ripping me to shreds on my behaviour from decades previously. It was all done in jest but it was hurtful

I would bet that your little sister was terrified of you back then, hated you for a lot of your behaviour, and has a LOT of issues around it now.

If her husband 'holds grudges' and knows how much you frightened/upset her at the time, he probably doesn't want you in the house.

As someone who has also had a relative like you were, may I ask what you have done to recognize the damage you inflicted on your younger sister, and if you have ever apologised to her or shown how much you regret your behaviour?

Christ, my elder sister used to chase me up the stairs when she was angry as a child, and 35 years on I still freak if someone runs up the stairs behind me. I don't think you have a bloody clue.

If her husband 'holds grudges' and knows how much you frightened/upset her at the time, he probably doesn't want you in the house.

But her husband is happy to come to stay at OP's house, Desiree?

I don't think this is coming from the husband, but if it is, he doesn't get to decide they are too upset to have OP come to a party at their house but are not too upset to ask to stay at OP's, taking advantage of her hospitality.

I think you're projecting your own experience into OP.

Rather than say to my face 'I hate you because...' she waits until she has an audience and then starts. She tells people I'm a basket case and makes them dislike me before they've ever met me. I don't know why she does this and I'd very much like her to stop.

She is a bitch. She reflected in being the 'golden child' when you were being a horror. Now you are doing fab there is no major comparison between both of you.

You have done so well. Don't let her jealousy knock you down

Desiree, as already stated, I've apologised umpteen times. She has never said to me that I've damaged her or hurt her, not when we are alone together. At these times we have a really good relationship, with me being the older sister; helping her out of financial difficulty or giving her the usual sisterly advice. We also laugh a lot because we have the same sense of humour.
But, if there is an audience or some way in which she can 'prove' to people that I'm a psycho she's all over it.
When she met her current partner and father of her children I went over for the day to see her. We had a great day but most of it revolved around her telling me that she felt he was taking advantage of her. He was living in her house at that time and not contributing anything. She talked at length about it and then when he came in the evening she started an argument and then stepped back from it. She basically lit the rag and watched it go up.
I should have been smarter and not got involved but she was upset and I thought I was protecting her. She turned the whole thing on its head the next morning and it was all about me being a mental bitch. It took a good 2 or 3 years to build the trust back up with BIL. She repeated this behaviour on a holiday we all went on a couple of years ago. I was wise to this though by now, so I didn't take the bate. She was gutted.

Honestly OP, no matter what your past is, she sounds vile and and manipulative. She knows exactly what she is doing. I'd be civil to her from now on but nothing else I'm afraid. Typical golden child, and they don't usually turn out very nice.

Allfur you've said about our mum She's never used me as the family scapegoat or painted me as the black sheep.

And about your younger sis: my parents believed her because I was the black sheep and prone to tell lies and She was the golden child

It may be worth having another look at the dynamic with your mum. What does your mum say about other people? Is she nice or does she slag them off when you two are alone and chatting? How does your mum react when you tell her "no"? Are you walking on egg shells? Do presents/favours she gives you always come with strings attached?

Is it possible that she is telling you that your younger sis is jealous of you yet telling younger sis something horrid about you to create conflict/drama between you?

I may be well off the mark, but since you seem to fall in the scapegoat category, are very close to your mum (who likes saying things to you about your sis but doesn't want to get involved ) I wonder if this is a possibility?