To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

I don't think either of my sisters know that I confronted mum. I did have a drunken discussion with big sis years ago when she asked me what the hell I was playing at and why I was so angry. I told her a few things, one of which is how the bin man and mum and dads reaction affected me. She told me to get help and stop drinking.
My little sister has asked me a couple of times 'what did he do' and I've told her. This is in more recent times so I've been sober. It's a strange matter of fact conversation, like I'm reciting a shopping list. She listens and shows no reaction. Strange, but I never really gave it much thought.

It is good that you can see it in black and white, your appealling treatment of you by your sister. You have been through this abuse which your parents did nothing about, even allowing him to carry on as normal nowonder you rebelled.

In an interesting aside, I'm actually one of four girls. The fourth sister (2nd born, I'm 3rd) hasn't spoken to any of us since dad died. She cut us all out. She speaks to mum and recently spent the weekend with her, but she has nothing to do with me or my big or little sis.

Well upsetting as her reaction is, at least coming on here has kind of brought it into focus how odd it is of her.
Essentially she's dismissing your pain which is painful for you. You speak about her quite affectionately but I wonder if it's time to change your attitude of protective big sis & just see her as a grown up sibling who doesn't understand you or can be empathetic towards you.

Oh right, I wonder why?

Oh wow. Maybe just retreat then instead of nc as that must be upsetting for your mum

Any ideas why Allfur?

No real concrete idea why, but she was often very volatile and angry whenever around our dad and her sisters. She would blow up at the slightest thing.
When dad died she commented that she was glad, which really upset our eldest sis. I didn't hear the comment so had no thought on that really. At dads funeral she turned up late, sat at the back, refusing to sit with my mum when mum asked her to. We waited at the graveside in the rain for her but she never came. She was at the wake sitting separately and drinking heavily. She was slagging the eldest sister off and becoming louder and louder. I went to sit with her and said that she should come and join us, we're her family and we love her. She started crying and shouting. I was getting angry by this point and said 'I can see you're upset but do you really think that this is the time or the place...'. She went nuts and tried to launch me over the table. Her partner who was sitting with her pulled her back and she stormed out. He said 'I'm sorry' and then ran off after her looking shell shocked. I thought at the time WTF is her problem? But now I wish I'd gone after her. I've only seen her once or twice since and the first time she crossed the road to avoid me. The second time she smiled and said hello. Then promptly left.

Allfur would you ever contact her?
It sounds like you would have quite a bit to talk about.

Her behaviour sounds really telling. I wonder if there was abuse with her, I wonder if your dad was involved, just a thought that's all. Mabey contact her and have a chat, mabey meet up. Seems like a pattern to me.

I think it sounds like you grew up in an environment that was far more toxic than you realised. You abuse was brushed under the carpet and you went off the rails. Your younger sister feels the need to scapegoat you and no-one in your family (mainly your mother) says anything to her. Your eldest sister is married to a bully (and bullies are often abusive - at least emotionally) and your other sister was happy that your father died, yet he seemed to be the tie to the family for her...

It honestly sounds like a lot went on, and possibly far more than you realise.

For the first time in a decade I'm considering if there could be an awful lot to gain by contacting her. I think she would speak to me.
It's absolutely inconceivable to me that dad would be involved in anything sexual, but he was certainly physically and emotionally abusive. I fucking hated him when I was growing up - he made life intolerable. But later on he became the lynchpin of the family and particularly with my eldest sister she adored him. Most bizarre really, because she has had hypnosis and CBT to overcome anxiety instilled in her by dad. She would vomit at a moments notice. She's over it now, but it does rear its head at times of stress in her life.

That'll probably be it then!

No wonder you're a dysfunctional family!

I think it's worth contacting wayward sis.

Wow! Sounds like there's a lot of family background.

Sis 1: Abused/intimidated by her Dad, and now married to a controlling bastard who punishes her if you try to talk about his behaviour.
Sis 2: Who knows? But sounds like there could have been something happening to her. Are you sure there wasn't another pub regular (or the same one) and your parents didn't protect her?
Sis 3: You, not protected from sexual abuse, went off the rails for a fairly long period.
Sis 4: Loves the drama, and goes out of her way to stir it all up, including lying and stealing.

When there's an abusive parent, like your father was, it can really affect the relationships that everyone has. I suspect your mum had little control or ability to protect any of you, and just stays neutral because there's so little she can do. She probably just buried her head in the sand because your Dad gave her little choice.

Just remember we are the lucky ones. We got counselling and can see the abuse. I think it would be a very good idea to contact your sister. Please don't go with the expectation that she will want to resume contact. Do it as much resolve your pain. So perhaps consider writing her a letter telling her you miss and love her, that you can see she's hurting and you are sorry for any part you have played in her pain. It sounds as though she is not as strong as you and even if you didn't directly hurt any of your sisters, you going off the rails will have had an affect on them. Perhaps they were punished or treated harshly because of you.

Chloe, Aeroflot. I am still in contact with my mother. It's complicated. We speak every few weeks. She is a better grandmother than mother for the most part. I am vigilant and my dd talks to me about anything untoward and they aren't alone very much. Dd was going to stay over for a couple of nights with her over the holidays. I think I will have to cancel this. As for my brother, won't be seeing much of him. His wife is vile to dd, she's only 8. But that's a thread in itself....

Whatever has happened before has obviously caused sour grapes you have been rude in the past it would be enough to put me off to be honest. Whether people like each other or not does your older sisters DP manage to control his hatred of the FIL? You are all adults now and it does sound like you've changed maybe just ask directly then you are not left in the dark at least you know where you stand.

Bloody hell op it gets worse!
Maybe little sis is jealous cus your a survivor?
You've come to terms with your past and your succeeding and she feels inadequate and feels that she's not as successful (in her eyes).

I think if I contacted my estranged sister she would be happy to discuss the past with me, but I doubt she would be interested in rekindling any sort of relationship. It's been too long now, and it's all water under the bridge.
Yeah, mum was certainly powerless to stand up against dad. If she argued with him about anything he would become aggressive and violent. I don't know how I feel about my dad and his behaviour. One I became an adult and he stopped trying to rule me with an iron fist we became good friends. He was a very much a character, a brilliant raconteur and well respected amongst friends and colleagues but he was also very selfish and a real authoritarian. I would bet good money that his bullying ways screwed up all four of us.

Have you heard from your youngest DSis Allfur?

Nope. Not a sausage. I haven't heard a thing from either of them.

i think a bit of space from your younger sis is a very good thing. a lot has come to light and it seems to me she's very toxic. completely undermines you and your experience. positively encourages destructive behaviour. she is utterly unconscionable.

don't be so sure your estranged sis wouldn't be interested in a relationship. she's obviously so incredibly hurt by the toxic environment and it's taken a lot for her to cut contact. but a little understanding goes a long way, and you do have some understanding of what she's been through too. it may be that you can support each other through understanding the toxic dynamic.

Your family are arseholes 😯

I agree with Aeroflot, I wonder if there is abuse in her history too? Perhaps not with dad but maybe also with bin fucker and your parents knew about that too?

I was abused from the age of 9 - 14 by my brother, my mum knew about it and let it happen because he was the 'good' one and it messed me up for years. I still have bad days but they don't come as often as they used to. Your little sister sounds like something else - and not in a good way

The more you reveal about your family, there more I can see why you and your other sister went off the rails. Its a toxic mix of abuse and cover up, and your mum in a way being emotionally abused by your dad. She probably wanted to help and support you, but wasen't allowed to by your controlling and authoritative father.