To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

I have a brother who I'm not close to. He has a drink and drug history and I think it's been hard for him to see the effect it had on the whole family. I always tell myself I've forgiven him but then when I see him in RL it's such hard work. He would argue that he's moved on and it's true that he is off the hard stuff but a lot of the selfishness is still there. You say that your behaviour won't have affected your siblings as they didn't see it - but how would you know? None of this for one second excuses your sisters behaviour but I do have some sympathy with the posters who are suggesting that the upsets run deeper than you think.

I think it is hard for people to see the extent of your own actions unless there is physical evidence. I think Barbie here has it.

My dbro was "difficult" growing up. He didn't get into drink/drugs, but he was very selfish and inconsiderate and my parents kowtowed to him to keep the peace.
I was expected to give in to him, let him have the bigger, the better, the more important etc. I knew I was loved and valued by my parents, but the number of times I didn't go to something or wasn't allowed something, or I was given the poorer version just so as to not upset him. It hurt badly, and in all honesty, it still hurts.
He wouldn't realise how it effected me at all, ever. He'd probably tell you he had a dreadful childhood and was always given the worst of anything-he's said that on more than one occasion. When the fact was there was much more money around for him (he's the youngest) so naturally got more expensive things etc, plus he always had to be given the same or better than me.
I lost count of the number of times I'd agreed something with the parents and they came quietly into my room and explained that I wouldn't get it/go somewhere because dbro would make a fuss because he wanted something different. I was expected to give way because I wouldn't make a fuss. The one time I did make a fuss I was told I was selfish.
He would not be aware of this.

My other sibling was older, and had left home by the time he really came into his worst, so wasn't effected as much. In fact she sometimes like to make out that they were really close as children. They weren't. I don't remember them doing anything together-they had totally different interests as well as a huge age gap.

I have (mostly) forgiven my brother. He wasn't meaning (most of the time) to hurt me, he just couldn't see any way but his. I find it harder to forgive my parents as they should have been aware of the situation.
But it still hurts. Even after all this time.

OP 💐.

I am in a very similar situation and have had to numb myself, after realising my 'family' really don't have my back.

You will be okay. You haven't done the wrong thing and definitely do not have to (and should not have to) accept the horrible treatment they are dishing out. You are not their scapegoat.

Live well.

I don't think much of your mum, OP. And I think your therapists/counselors make a very strong point about the incident, the failure of your mum (and dad) to stand up for you, help you, make sure you were ok, has A LOT to do with your acting out behaviour. Your older sister clearly knew about it, and doesn't appear to have held the behaviour against you. Did your younger sister know?

I would say that whilst I understand the anger at OPs parents it was at a different era. Similar happened to my brother and my parents did react but it was at a time of adults being believed and children as liars. By confronting the man my parents got a backlash, my brother publicly humiliated and the police more concerned about slander against the man than what happened to my brother. If they could of gone back and kept quiet then they would have. As it was my family had to move.

OP yes that incidence at 9 will have had a huge impact on you because your parents ignored it and still let that man be approved of. That whole sweeping stuff under the carpet (which is still going on in the other family issues) is so damaging.

Perhaps you actually need to have some of this out with your parents not in a harsh way but how that ostrich behaviour hurt you so badly, how unheard you fault and that is why you went off the rails. How you have changed and yet everyone is still laying the blame on you for something that paedo did and their failings to help you deal with it.

I would speak to your mum about dsis and how she reacts would influence on how you move forward.

Your BIL was disgusting to say that, it shows how much you are labelled that they still hold it against your DC!

Even without a triggering event, lots and lots of people go off the rails for a while when they're young.

I know I did. And I'm now living on a farm with ds and a dh that thinks smoking weed is the ultimate in naughty.

Sorry about your sister, just feel sorry for her, she sounds like the one with the present issues.

agree, in fact Op as hurt are you are right now, you have the gift of intelligence and self awareness

your sister doesn't and she is the loser, as she will lose a loving sister if she doesn't buck her ideas up.

I think you should change your username to

fabulousinfur or something actually, as your user name is too close to the inaccurate image that your family choose to have

my B and SIL exclude us too, its very hurtful and even today I shed a few tears

my B sees me as a left wing, feckless, and over emotional povvo

whatever

I am seen as the black sheep. I found out a couple of days ago my mother told my dd (8) that I was horrible to my brother growing up. He used to imprison me in rooms, throw me around like a rag doll and hit me, call me abhorrent names, drag me around and wangle his dick infront of me etc... Yet he is golden child and can do no wrong. I used to hide in my bedroom and loose myself in books. Everything I did and said as a teenager is brought back up by my mother in my face all the time. I'm 46. I didn't go off the rails like you btw, all I wanted was to be understood and a bit of quiet and consideration because I am noise sensitive and my brother did things like play the same record over and over again for months. Not that my mother's behaviour would be justifiable even if I did go off the rails. People like this are jealous of you as so many other posters have said. My brother pushed me over a couple of years ago, has threatened to hit me on a number of occasions and generally treats me like shit. He also, like my mother, totally denies that I am chronically ill. They're so alike and me being so different and emotionally stronger than them must be very threatening.

She sounds like a psycho and very jealous of you.

You could be me!
Abuse in childhood
Period of not being great with a drink
7 years sober - but not enough for my siblings. Who now both drink like fish and I am the "bad one"

No words of wisdom
I still deal with it
And the judgement of others regarding it.
Just know you are not alone xx

They're so alike and me being so different and emotionally stronger than them must be very threatening.

This is so true mummy. I hope you're NC with your brother?

You're asking the wrong people OP. Your mum saying she's jealous is probably bollocks - she makes the effort to see you at other times.
Have a calm, adult conversation with her about it. Be ready to hear her. It's that or carry on stewing over it.

Wow what a nasty and spiteful cow bag your little sister is, lying to your family about you not being able to come, when she hadent invited you. At least the truth is out now! Yiu were abused as a child, yet again it was minimised, and yiur parents stuck their head in the sand. Do you think this was part of the reason why you went off the rails. Your BIL sounds like one nasty piece of work. At least your not married to someone like that. Have you had therapy for the abuse? You have come such a long way, and are so strong. Please don't beat yourself about the past, you cannot change it, but you change the future, which you have done, hats off to you. Your best off without your sister. Do you get on with your older one?

Oh god mummy, I hope your nc with both of them, they are vile and abusive!

Hi
Yes, I get along with my older sister but things are somewhat strained because I don't get along with her husband. He's moody and hard work. Last year there was a big bust up caused by me I suppose. I was sick and tired of him coming in to my home and not acknowledging me. He'd just sit there staring at his feet looking angry. He wouldn't say hello or goodbye to me. I saw him treat my mum the same way on many an occasion so I know it isn't just me that he behaves this way with. He's just a controlling bully. My lovely big sister texted and said that she wanted to pop over for the day, and I replied that she's be very welcome but to leave him at home please. I tried to be polite and diplomatic but when she pressed me on why I didn't want to see BIL I told her exactly why. Then all hell broke lose as far as I know. My little sister called me at about midnight that night and said she'd had big sister on the phone crying. He'd packed a bag and was going to leave her. He was currently sat on the stairs watching her sob and beg for him to stay, and it was all my fault. I was gobsmacked, and felt awful. But I was fed up with being treated like shit by him.
Since he came on to the scene about 6 years ago my relationship with my big sister has been much less close. She's close to my little sister still. Little sister and moody BIL seem to get on well.
I've had quite a bit of counselling, which my husband paid for privately. The episode with my parents sweeping the disgusting bin man under the carpet always come up as a catalyst to what followed for me. I think as a 9 year old I drew the conclusion that my mum and dad didn't want to protect me, they didn't love me and therefore I must be unlovable. My self esteem plummeted and I wandered in to a life of unsuitable boyfriends, drugs and alcohol. x

oh no, that is a completely understandable conclusion for a 9 year old to make.

I'm guessing you haven't brought that up with your mum incase it upsets her? You're too kind but that might be the only resolution.

I can relate to what you say about bil, my best friend's husband treats me like I'm not there, no eye contact etc. It's kind of coming to a head because it's getting trickier to see her without him without explaining that he makes me feel uncomfortable . I just know she'll be upset & it'll cause a rift

Op I've had to comment.
I think your too entrenched in your family. They all sound like a bunch of CUNTS. From Your DPs ignoring the abuse to both your sisters and BILs.
I'd be reducing the amount of time I spend with these emotional vampires and telling them why (if they ever asked).
Your past behaviour does not give them an excuse to behave badly towards you now. Your worth more than this.

How about writing a letter to everyone (& not sending it) explaining exactly how you feel about the past & now. Might be cathartic?

They sound two alike, your bill and little sister. Just see your big sister without him, he sounds a nasty controlling bully, I hope your sister wakes up and sees that. You did nothing wrong, your bill and little sister are the problem. You have don so well, your parents have to take some responsibility for what happened to you.

Just as I was on the verge of cleaning my act up I did have a very drunken and very emotional conversation with my mum in which I asked her why she'd allowed that to happen. I can't actually remember what she said but I remember her crying and hugging me and saying 'I'm so sorry' over and over again.

It's good that you talked to your mum and told her how you feel. She was doing her ostrich thing and burying her head innthecsand

Oh I see, well she understands then. Do your sisters know about that? Not that it excuses their behaviour if not but if they do the way little sis treats you is even worse.
If your sister is not inviting you because she wants to paint you as the baddy then that is entirely her own issue & not in fact anything to do with you or your past behaviour

Allfur this is all just sad and so not fair. I don't have any advice but I do feel terribly sorry you are left in this position.

I was a wild child for several years causing much pain and trouble to my family. There were loads of issues in the family but that's no excuse. It's all in the past and never brought up but no denying it happened. I'm very sensitive to situations where there is drunkenness and the potential for bringing the past up so much guilt but also so much pain, and therefore distance myself a bit. I am NC with one sibling and at family gatherings where we must both attend we always have the issue of which one of us is the problem, if you know what I mean.

to you. Keep being strong and you sound like someone I'd feel lucky to have as a sister.

Gosh, this has been like therapy in itself. I never thought I'd get such a response to my post, and I never thought I'd end up laying my soul bare on mumsnet! My family is a dysfunctional mess. I didn't realise how screwed up it is until I started to write it all down here, and I haven't even shared the half of it.