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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at hubby giving a lift to woman with shared hobby

154 replies

Juniperrose · 21/06/2017 17:44

Hubby is taking part in a triathlon in a couple of months time and will be going away for the weekend in our van for the duration of the competition.
He has offered to give a lift to a fellow female competitor who he knows from the local tri club- so trains with occasionally.
Should I feel pissed off about the fact he is travelling to the event with an attractive fit young woman or is it my insecurities kicking in. Incidentally I have young kids who would be bored senseless waiting around for the event hence why we are not going. Thanks X

OP posts:
CalmShambala · 22/06/2017 11:18

OP, don't worry because triathlons are the OW. Someone once told me this. No doubt your DH is training loads and going to bed early. He will be generally knackered all the time and get grumpy if he can't go get his triathlon fix. If he is anything like my DH he will be too tired to even think of an affair.

I used to mix with a lot of people who did triathlons. You get a great body but at the expense of the skin on your face. All that wind, rain and sun on you when you are training outside ultimately ages you 10 years. I am telling you this to make you feel better.

WannaBe · 22/06/2017 11:34

I can just imagine the responses if someone posted here that they were travelling to do a sporting event and had either offered a lift or been offered a lift by someone of the opposite sex and their partner had kicked off about it. I think the words "controlling" and "ltb" would feature heavily.

It's one thing to have a discussion with your partner around insecurities over a particular person, if my partner had such insecurities we would hopefully discuss them as adults. However "putting your foot down" or just expressing insecurities over your partner being in the same place as someone of the opposite sex is controlling and there are no excuses for it. And for me, would be a marriage deal-breaker.

All this "trust your gut" talk is bollocks. If he's having an affair with the woman then he's having one regardless of giving a lift and the gut feeling would involve the whole event not just the journey.

AmenacingWhistle · 22/06/2017 11:49

Yabvu

user1495451339 · 22/06/2017 12:03

I suppose you have to decide whether you are feeling insecure because you don't trust him, because she is gorgeous, because you feel she fancies your husband or because you are feeling a bit down on yourself, or a combination.

Try and just relax as stopping him giving a woman a lift is not exactly going to stop anything happening if your husband is a cheat is it? My husband frequently gives women from work lifts, it doesn't bother me but I do believe he wouldn't do anything (though maybe I am naive after reading stuff on here). However, if anything happens it happens and nothing you can do would stop that.

Personally, I wouldn't agonise over it. Concentrate and your interests and hobbies and when you can next get a child free weekend!!!

EivissaSenorita · 22/06/2017 12:09

Some of you are very naive about how affairs start.....

Teddy6767 · 22/06/2017 12:19

Oh for gods sake! It's not naivety, we are all well aware how affairs can start. But if we have to go about living our lives in fear that our partner might stray if he gives a lift to a female, then we might as well all just stay single forever.
Trust someone until they give you proper reason (and evidence) not to. Innocent until proven guilty!

00100001 · 22/06/2017 12:20

oh yes.

of course.

All affairs start when someone gives another person a lift. That definitely 100% means OPs DH is going to have an affair with this woman, if not now, then in the future.

Dammit. Maybe my DH I should check on my DH, 2 years ago he gave a lift to my friend's wife, because a train got cancelled and he was in the area.
Oh god, I gave that same friend a lift to a football tournament last July that we both attended - wow, I need to be careful that we don't accidentally have an affair.

Thanks elvissa Hmm

NoLoveofMine · 22/06/2017 12:21

Should no-one in a relationship ever have a friend of the same sex as their partner?

EivissaSenorita · 22/06/2017 12:24

Yea 001 I meant you personally with that remark Hmm.

I'm not saying one lift leads to an affair. But a shared interest with someone, opportunity to spend time alone, these things can spark feelings especially if things are boring at home with kids and the daily grind.....many people are open to an affair when the right set of circumstances and opportunity comes along.

SaltySeaBird · 22/06/2017 12:33

I'm amazed so many people would have an issue with it, it would be totally a non-thing for me. I'd actually be pleased my DH had someone to travel up with.

Ecureuil · 22/06/2017 12:40

Some of you are very naive about how affairs start.....

If my DH is going to have an affair he'll have an affair. I'd rather not be with someone I cannot trust. If he's going to have an affair I'd rather know what sort of person he is so I can leave him.

DadOnIce · 22/06/2017 12:46

"Put your foot down" is such a hilarious expression. Quite apart from the implication that you can tell your DH/DW not to do something, it always makes me think of someone folding their arms and stamping, red-faced, like a petulant 7-year-old.

If this bloke is going to have an affair, anyway, it won't be with Sporty Sarah who trains with him, it'll be with someone less obvious who you'd never suspect and probably have never met.

I've never got this idea that married straight people can't be friends and have shared interests, lifts etc. with people of the opposite sex. As others here have said, it seems to imply that you already don't trust your DH/DW. (Presumably gay couples should be banned from having friendships with the same sex, and bisexual people can't be friends with anyone at all?!)

kali110 · 22/06/2017 12:51

I can only presume that all the posters who are saying what's the problem have never been hurt by a partner having a relationship with another female
I have. Hmm still don't have a problem.

EivissaSenorita
Again, my MALE friend would give me a lift to and from work frequently.
I take it my dh should have been up in arms about it telling me not to get a lift Grin

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl · 22/06/2017 12:52

Sure enough if he was planning to do anything with her he would just not tell you she was going with him?

Brahms3rdracket · 22/06/2017 12:56

You know yabu but I would be too. I wouldn't say anything or put my foot down though, as I know it's my insecurity. My DP is trustworthy, I've never been cheated on to the best of my knowledge but I understand why your unsettled.

There are some overly smug responses on here though as usual. How predictable.

JollyRodger · 22/06/2017 12:58

I don't think your being unreasonable OP X

Haliez13 · 22/06/2017 13:02

Some of you are very naïve about how affairs start….

Honestly, if I am, and if the only way to maintain a relationship is for neither myself nor my partner to have friendships or socialising outside the home without an appropriate chaperone, then I think I’m glad I live in ignorance.

I don’t think I understand how anyone can stay in a relationship where there’s that level of mistrust and suspicion between partners. What’s the point?

OliveSoap · 22/06/2017 13:12

Some of you are very naive about how affairs start.....

Or we aren't, but don't really to live in a Wahabi-style regime where an unrelated man and a woman alone together in an enclosed space, like a car or a lift, is haram...? And perhaps the solution to workplace affairs would be to have sex-segregated workplaces, Saudi-style?

BarbarianMum · 22/06/2017 13:17

If my husband told me i couldn't give lifts to a male colleague or friend in case I fucked them/fell for them (not sure which you're really worried about here) then id think he was joking. If he wasn't, I'd really worry about the state of our marriage.

OP if you are worried about the state of your marriage then address that. I get the insecurities when your life is basically lived in the land of small children and your partner's isn't, but there are ways to remedy them.

sparechange · 22/06/2017 13:18

It is etiquette in my tri club to make it known when you are driving to a race and have space in the car

We have a facebook group and each of the races is listed as an event, and in the comments, people will say if they are driving, where they will leave from and how many spaces they have for people and bikes

As far as I am aware, this has resulted in zero affairs or broken marriages, but it has saved lots of people from hiring cars, spending a fortune on trains, and having long journeys on their own

WannaBe · 22/06/2017 13:24

"I can only presume that all the posters who are saying what's the problem have never been hurt by a partner having a relationship with another female" if your response to what happened in the past is to control your present and future partners then it is you with the problem and you are clearly not ready to be in another relationship yet before having dealt with said issues. No individual should have to compensate for the wrongdoings of their predecessor.

For the people saying that they would put their foot down/tell someone they couldn't, etc, that could very easily become a self fulfilling prophecy, as many partners wouldn't (and shouldn't) stand for being controlled in that way. If a man tried to tell me who I could give lifts to and that the expectation was because I was going to sleep with them I would end the marriage/relationship. his problem, not mine. And I would end it because he was a controlling arsehole. Where does it end?

LaurieMarlow · 22/06/2017 13:30

Dear God, my mind is blown by this thread.

OP YABCU. Giving someone a lift is a common courtesy that normal people do without a second thought.

If you are so insecure or your husband is so untrustworthy that this a problem for you, you have a whole other set of issues to sort out.

60percentbanana · 22/06/2017 18:09

Yabu. As others have said, it's very common for members of running/tri/cycling etc clubs to travel to races together, or to share accommodation for further flung races. We bought a van partly for this reason last year. I can't even recall who dh has given lifts to over the years, men and women. I'm as certain as you ever can be that the lift-giving has never led to shagging - not least because the exertion would ruin his race result Grin

kali110 · 22/06/2017 18:29

If my husband told me i couldn't give lifts to a male colleague or friend in case I fucked them/fell for them (not sure which you're really worried about here) then id think he was joking. If he wasn't, I'd really worry about the state of our marriage.
Me too! Think my dh would be the same.

WomblingThree · 22/06/2017 18:38

Some of you are very naive about how affairs start.....

And some of you are seriously projecting your own issues onto everyone else