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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at hubby giving a lift to woman with shared hobby

154 replies

Juniperrose · 21/06/2017 17:44

Hubby is taking part in a triathlon in a couple of months time and will be going away for the weekend in our van for the duration of the competition.
He has offered to give a lift to a fellow female competitor who he knows from the local tri club- so trains with occasionally.
Should I feel pissed off about the fact he is travelling to the event with an attractive fit young woman or is it my insecurities kicking in. Incidentally I have young kids who would be bored senseless waiting around for the event hence why we are not going. Thanks X

OP posts:
corythatwas · 21/06/2017 21:30

"I quite regularly get lifts places with male colleagues or give lifts. How is sitting in a car together for a couple of hours any different from seeing them at work/hobby?"

This.

PortiaFinis · 21/06/2017 21:34

There are some pretty harsh and patronising responses to this thread. Good for all those people who feel totally secure but it's pretty grim when you don't - and being told that feeling like that is unattractive doesn't seem particularly helpful.

OP, YANBU to have an instinctive kick back on something like that. Do you think it's because you miss hanging out with him just the two of you? I think YABU to do anything other then to forget about it and move on - unless you have any other hints that something is up?

It's rubbish when you feel insecure and young children can really make that worse.

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2017 21:37

I think that's called dogging

It's really not 😂

blunt you think that would end her marriage?? Wow, what a nut. Sounds like you and your dh walk on eggshells around each other. That's sad

Huge lol. It's not going to help her marriage is it? Telling her husband who he is permitted to give lifts to? And if walking on eggshells is allowing my husband the autonomy to make his own decisions on who he gives lifts to, then colour me sad. 😜😜😜

Iflyaway · 21/06/2017 22:11

There's no reason women who are mothers can't discover hobbies and spend some weekends away doing them.

Wow. I guess you don't know any mums who are carrying the load by themselves, the dad having done a runner.

Nice bubble you live in.

Sorry for the hijack OP. All I can say is trust your gut-feeling.

RestlessTraveller · 21/06/2017 22:22

I hate this 'trust your gut feeling' thing. Trust your gut that your husband will cheat on you? If that's what your gut is saying and you trust it, why are you still with him?

RestlessTraveller · 21/06/2017 22:25

If your 'gut' says that your husband will cheat, do you spend the rest of your life 'putting your foot down' so he can never be in a situation where he could? How fucking exhausting?

RestlessTraveller · 21/06/2017 22:26

Sorry, so many 'trust your guts' questions. The only thing my guts tells me is that I've eaten too much cheese.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/06/2017 22:29

I wouldn't mind at all. I frequently go away for work with a male colleague, and we even manage to stay in the same hotel and go out socialising at night, without there being a shred of anything untoward going on. We are good mates, but that is definitely it - I certainly don't find him attractive (he's not ugly or mean, he's just not my type) and I am fairly sure he doesn't find me attractive. I think, in the nicest possible way, you are feeling insecure.

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2017 22:29

Wow. I guess you don't know any mums who are carrying the load by themselves, the dad having done a runner

And. Guess you don't know any families where the mum did a runner and left the dad to carry the load? Clearly the op was meaning when it was a two parent family.

Don't be a twat about this and yes my mum did a runner. It happens.

NoLoveofMine · 21/06/2017 22:38

Wow. I guess you don't know any mums who are carrying the load by themselves, the dad having done a runner.

I don't really understand the relevance of this. I was clearly referring to a couple with the set-up of the OP and her husband. Mother and father living together with the children, as I said, there's no reason the mother can't have hobbies or enjoy nights out and a weekend away as much as the father.

sirfredfredgeorge · 21/06/2017 22:44

Does a triathlon involve boffing the other competitors?

Only if the swim is cancelled due to algae or something in the lake.

NavyandWhite · 21/06/2017 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haliez13 · 21/06/2017 22:52

If the OP genuinely can't trust her husband to spend a couple of hours in a vehicle with another woman without pulling his pants down in a layby, then the relationship is probably dead already and no amount of 'putting her foot down' will save it.

If the OP has anything resembling a normal relationship, nothing will happen.

Plus, how on earth is it sensible for two people from the same town, going to the same event at the same time to spend twice as much on petrol, create twice as much in the way of emissions, and have a really tedious long drive staring at the road with no company?

kali110 · 21/06/2017 23:42

Omg not the 'trust your gut' statement again.
People use that all the time as an excuse to stop their partner doing things. (Not saying that the op is) but saying this statement is not always true.

deffoncforthis · 21/06/2017 23:51

YABU a car journey is a car journey.

I think there are some naive beliefs exposed in threads like this, married people, even those who are trustworthy should still probably avoid putting themselves in a lot of potentially compromizing situations. Good people still get tempted.

Still, this is not one of those situations. Come on, it's a lift for goodness' sake.

VestalVirgin · 22/06/2017 01:09

I wouldn't like it either. Why can't she get he own lift?

That is, in fact, exactly what she is doing: Getting a lift.

If there's no reason to assume he'd cheat, there's no reason to worry. If there's a reason to assume he'd cheat, then he'll cheat anyway, and it will be of no use to tell this woman she ought to spend loads of money on renting a car, or whatever, just to make sure she ... doesn't get a lift. (If hubby wants to cheat with her, he can do so at the competition even if they arrive there in different cars.)

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 22/06/2017 08:34

When I was married my then husband always managed to make me feel guilty if I went out without him, he clearly didn't trust me (due to his own past experiences with women rather than anything I had done), it slowly killed the relationship.

YABU but I suspect, deep down, you realise that. Please do something about your insecurity before it eats you away.

cometseekers · 22/06/2017 08:40

I can only presume that all the posters who are saying what's the problem have never been hurt by a partner having a relationship with another female. I would be concerned too op, however if you put firm boundaries in place maybe it will make you feel better about it.

Ecureuil · 22/06/2017 08:43

I can only presume that all the posters who are saying what's the problem have never been hurt by a partner having a relationship with another female

Do you mean had an affair? If so then no, I haven't.
The thing is though, if my DH was the type who would allow himself to be seduced, or seduce another woman in the car on the way to a hobby, I'd rather know TBH so I could leave the relationship.

Ecureuil · 22/06/2017 08:46

I'd hate to think I had to manage my DH's interactions with females for our entire life to ensure he won't cheat on me. What's the point in a relationship like that?

claraschu · 22/06/2017 08:51

They should both take the bus and save on emissions. I would be furious if my husband didn't share a ride, as we don't need more cars polluting our planet.

I thought it was only Mike Pence who was afraid to be alone with a woman who wasn't his wife.

BeachyKeen · 22/06/2017 11:01

Cometseekers, that is like saying every guy after has to pay for the mistakes of the guy that cheated. That's not right.
And controlling someone's behaviour/clothes/friends/activities to keep them from cheating? Craziness! That way madness lies.

ScarlettFreestone · 22/06/2017 11:05

clara taking the bus might be a little difficult with their bikes... Grin

YoureNotASausage · 22/06/2017 11:05

It's never ok to control your partner. It is ok to leave a partner you can't trust.

So OP either back off or leave him.

Rumshmerga · 22/06/2017 11:17

Without telling me or showing any signs my ExH decided several years before we split that the marriage was over. He gave himself a free pass to have sex with anyone he pleased, including a woman he worked with and whose flat he stayed at while out of town on business.

You can think you're on the same page as someone and really not be. I'm not stupid, I was just too trusting and exH was a grade A liar.

My DP just wouldn't make arrangements like this and neither would I, we have been around that block in the our own pasts too much to take each other's feelings for granted.

YANBU, after all you can't help how you feel, and you don't have to be cool.