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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at hubby giving a lift to woman with shared hobby

154 replies

Juniperrose · 21/06/2017 17:44

Hubby is taking part in a triathlon in a couple of months time and will be going away for the weekend in our van for the duration of the competition.
He has offered to give a lift to a fellow female competitor who he knows from the local tri club- so trains with occasionally.
Should I feel pissed off about the fact he is travelling to the event with an attractive fit young woman or is it my insecurities kicking in. Incidentally I have young kids who would be bored senseless waiting around for the event hence why we are not going. Thanks X

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/06/2017 19:12

Name change fail

Op, is there more to this than you have said ?

I am a suspicious and cynical old biddy but I wpuldn't have a problem with what you have said so far

DoJo · 21/06/2017 19:16

Thanks for the supportive posts....those who weren't so pleasant....well you have made me feel really, really shit!! I won't be posting here again

Do you mean that the people who said you should trust your husband made you feel shit, out those who share your insecurities made you feel shit? Because honestly, I'd have thought the number of people disagreeing with you would have been reassuring!

GreatBigPolarBear · 21/06/2017 19:37

My DH is the same when I get lifts to events with other men. YAbu

NotACleverName · 21/06/2017 19:46

I wonder how all these women who are 'putting their foot down' would feel if their partners decided who they could be friends with? Or indeed how their partners feel when they are constantly being told they can't be trusted. It's all a bit controlling and suffocating.

Imagine the situation reversed, i.e. a woman being offered a lift to a hobby by a male friend/competitor/whatever, and the husband kicking off about it. She'd be told he was a controlling, abusive arsehole and to LTB.

Ecureuil · 21/06/2017 19:46

If my DH thought so little of me that he didn't trust me to not seduce a male friend/allow myself to be seduced when getting a lift somewhere, he wouldn't be my DH much longer.

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2017 19:47

.so I suggest simply saying matter of factly to your dh, She can drive herself. See what he says. Then say again, she can drive herself. Then what is his response

If my husband told me I wasn't allowed to give a lift to a male friend, my response would be such that I can assure you he wouldn't want to say it again.

Are you trying to end her marriage for the shits and giggles by suggesting she behave like a control freak?

MissBax · 21/06/2017 19:48

YABU, however I would be too!

harderandharder2breathe · 21/06/2017 20:01

YABU

It's just a lift. If you don't trust your husband not to cheat on you with someone just because they're in the same vehicle then you have bigger problems that your husband giving her a lift.

The only time YWNBU is if he's previously cheated on you with women he's met through his hobby or given lifts to. Then you still have bigger problems but yanbu

georgjensen · 21/06/2017 20:14

MY DH does similar. He goes off for random weekends with women (and men) he meets on the internet. For some comps they need mixed teams and women are very much in demand.

Some have become very close family friends over the years.

I don't have an issue with this.

SnugglyBedSocks · 21/06/2017 20:24

Unfortunately i am going to be the voice of doom and gloom.

My DH made a running/cycling friend and trains with her during the week and every weekend. They go to races together. I even agreed for them to go away soon overnight for a race thats quite far away because they are just friends and I trusted them.

Last week I found evidence that this isn't the case and DH has decided to split with me.

As a one off journey it wouldn't have concerned me but only you know the state of your marriage

Reow · 21/06/2017 20:28

Ha! 9/10 for the flounce!

Jesus Christ.

I can honestly say I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

toffeeboffin · 21/06/2017 20:29

Where's the OP?

MrsPorth · 21/06/2017 20:30

Your behaviour must be very off putting and that is more likely to split up you and your DH than a fit friend is.

Is there more to this? Had he cheated before!?

Sushi123 · 21/06/2017 20:32

I don't think yabu.....hmmmm, I don't like it...

DorisMcSweeney · 21/06/2017 20:33

MY DH does similar. He goes off for random weekends with women (and men) he meets on the internet

I think that's called dogging

kmc1111 · 21/06/2017 20:37

I don't get the problem. Lift or no lift they're going to be in the same place that weekend, so if they want to sleep together the fact that they don't drive there together won't make any difference.

Unless you think it's likely they'll pull over and have sex in the car but unlikely they'd go knock on the others door.

LittleBeautyBelle · 21/06/2017 20:44

blunt you think that would end her marriage?? Wow, what a nut. Sounds like you and your dh walk on eggshells around each other. That's sad.

Op is not talking about a friend of long standing as you implied. And it's not just about giving a lift to a woman. There is something about it that has her concerned, she can't put her finger on it yet, why so harsh?

Don't get overwrought about the op's dh. It's not your call, is it?

PaintingByNumbers · 21/06/2017 20:46

what are you concerned about op? do you already have suspicions?

MissJSays · 21/06/2017 20:53

Oh god I'd hate that too. I have no reason not to trust my DP, love him to bits and trust him 100% but I still wouldn't like it!

EmmaC78 · 21/06/2017 20:55

I wouldn't bat an eyelid. I am surprised so many people would be bothered by this.

SinglePringle · 21/06/2017 20:58

I am a single woman and am in great shape as I work out every day.

I often share car journeys with male friends and colleagues. Sometimes I know their wives, sometimes not. I've even gone out - alone - for dinner with some of them and we've got roaring drunk.

Still managed to not sleep with / kiss any of them (or any married / partnered up man).

They didn't / don't want to slee with me and I don't want to sleep with them.

Try to avoid over thinking.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 21/06/2017 21:10

I can't believe so many would have a problem with this. I quite regularly get lifts places with male colleagues or give lifts. How is sitting in a car together for a couple of hours any different from seeing them at work/hobby? I couldn't live in a relationship like that, it sounds suffocating and so lacking in trust. We all have our insecurities but come on. How do any of you really think "putting your foot down" over something like that would be reasonable? I cannot imagine anything less attractive in a partner.

georgjensen · 21/06/2017 21:14

I think that's called dogging

Sadly they are GPS tagged-I could watch where they both are all night if I was inclined. If they are dogging they are doing on the run!

Sallystyle · 21/06/2017 21:18

Insecurity if often more complex than just not trusting someone.

I would be slightly uncomfortable with it OP. It's not that I even think they would shag. I trust my husband as much as I can trust any human being but there would be a part of me, based on my own insecurities and past that would make me be uncomfortable with it a little.

I wouldn't 'put my foot down' because I would recognise it is my problem based on my own shit and has nothing to do with him. Insecurity is common, often based on how we feel about ourselves or due to our past experiences and often has very little to do with our actual partners.

You do have to realise when you are being unreasonable and not expect your partner to stop doing reasonable things because of your issues though. I know I can suffer with insecurity over lots of things which I just need to suck up because it's totally my issue.

ChinaRose · 21/06/2017 21:25

I broke up with my XP over someone i met at my local gym. It was 6 years ago, he was 5 or 6 years younger than me and gorgeous .. and my relationship was at its end. It began with cycling together then we started playing squash regularly. It's all to do with your current situation - are you happy, is your dh showing signs he isn't happy?