AIBU to be really upset?

[StyleCommander]

I'm not a parent, my paternal instinct (fortunately) came and went in the last couple of years. However, my nieces are really important to me (and I like the fact I can give them back). Anyway (this may be TL:DR)

My sister took her kids (14, 7 and 5) to Blackpool for my cousins wedding, and decided her, my bro in law and the kids could spend a day in the Pleasure Beach. My Eldest niece (not real name) Bea, wanted to do all the big rides and coasters, but not on her own. My sister is a proper wet end so wouldn't go on them with her and my Bro in Law is a little on the large side, OK a LOT on the large side, and couldn't fit. So Bea ended up not being able to do anything more thrilling than the Teacups.

My sister called me up and said she was a little upset for Bea, so I said I'd fly over (I live in Spain) and I'd take her and the older 2 girls to Alton Towers for a couple of days.

My Sister then booked everything and paid for the hotel, the tickets and told my Bro in Law to change his shift at work so he could drop us off and start later in the day or do the night shift.

It was decided that, because I was waiting to be paid, when we were there, I was going to be the one to splash the cash to make up for what I'd not paid. Thus bringing us to 50/50 in what we've paid each, which I thought was fair.

I then get a call from my sister the day before we left, telling me that Bro in Law didn't tell work about the plans, and we would have to get the train, then a bus. OK, that's not too bad, worse things have happened in the world, but it's still a ball ache.

So I booked the tickets, paid for the cab from the house to the station, and paid the £30 (£30 fucking pounds for a bus that's probably only just scraped through its MOT!) for the bus from Stoke to Alton.

At this point, because I had no card as my partner needed it in Spain, money was literally evaporating before my eyes (My partner only gave me £160 and £40 buffer in cash) and had only £60 left in my wallet having gone through the buffer and £100 just to get us there.

The kids have little routine when it comes to food. If they're peckish between meals, they go into the kitchen and grab a piece of fruit or have a couple of crackers with cheese, which I'm not really fussed about. I'll go into this in a sec.

However, the night before we left, my sister got absolutely drunk as a skunk, and I was then left to pack 4 peoples things into my small bag which was like a fabric version of playing Tetris. I then woke up at 5:00am, checked we had everything we needed and had breakfast planned for the kids (me and my sister don't eat until lunch). At 6:30am, I got the girls up, made their breakfast and got my sister up. I got the girls fed, dressed and watered and my sister FINALLY rolls out of bed at 6:45am has a coffee, cigarette, quick wash, does her hair and is good to go.

We left at around 7:30am to catch the train, got to Manchester, got the train and landed in Stoke at about 9:15ish. Literally 10 minutes before the bus was due. Ideal time for loo break and cigarette break.

We were hot, tired, frustrated and generally just picking fights with each other all the way there.

When we got to the park, which was around 11am me and my sister went to the bar to settle our nerves (far too early I know). I then proceeded to buy one of those all day free refill cup things for £6, which I worked out as being the cheapest option for us as money was seriously low.

At around mid day however, my younger niece started complaining she was hungry. I didn't really know what to do, so we put it off for another hour until I could work things out in my head and sat down at the Cafe near Oblivion where I got me and my sister another drink (we'd endured several 5 year old tantrums and several teenage bitch fits already).

I then transferred £100 from my account to hers (money that wasn't mine, but my husbands) and she insisted on going to a buffet. I'm not a big eater, neither is she, and the girls eat like normal kids. This amounted to just short of £50, which I thought was extortionate given that I was trying to keep it on a relatively small budget.

Anyway, I let that slide. It was a treat for the girls and they really enjoyed it.

After that we had a lovely first day, except for when I thought it would be a really good idea to walk into a lamp post!

We went back to the hotel (another £20 for the taxi) and had a few drinks and a little sharing platter (£20), so I transferred another £60, thinking £40 for the bar and £20 for another taxi back to the park.

However, we ran out of cigarettes and cash because my sister decided she only wanted wine (at £5 a small glass) as oppose to Cider and Black (£2.80 per pint). So I transferred another £30. £20 for the taxi, £10 for cigarettes.

Again, we had a nice time in the park, I got some quality time with my eldest niece and gave her a history lesson on the Towers and the house, and gave her a tour of the place, which bizarrely ended up with about 4 families also following me round and asking questions about the place and the history and the legend of The Chained Oak. I'm a history buff, and my ex is a history teacher specializing in local history.

My bro in law picked us up at the end of the day, and we went back to their house, where my sister got rapidly pissed after chugging a bottle of wine in under 30 minutes.

The morning after, the money again was gone, and we had no cigarettes, alcohol, tea, coffee, milk or fruit juice (we're not alcoholics, I just can't be arsed going to the shop 3 times in a day, so buy everything at the same time), so I transferred another £50. This was to get Tobacco, rolling papers, filters, Beer for me, Cider for her (I put my foot down, finally), Tea, Coffee, Milk and Juice and a couple of loaves to shove in the freezer for emergency use if she needs it.

Anyway. It gets to about 8:00pm, and I say I'm going back to my parents as my flight was early the next morning.

I didn't even get a thank you. Off any of them.

What was meant to be a 50/50 thing feels like it's been 90/10 thing. I feel hurt, embarrassed and used by my sister. I broke down crying to my mum, because what I had planned fell apart at the seams and Bea didn't get the experience I envisaged.

Money isn't an issue for me, I can't take it with me, so I spend it, however, the initial £400 that my sister spent seems to have ended up costing me the same and she's the one that got all the benefit while I'm trying to pacify my husband for spending £530 in 2 days.

Who is to blame here? Me for being an idiot, My sister for getting her £400 back with interest, or my Bro in law for being so selfish that his action led to the entire fiasco?

I'm a 29 year old man, I know how to budget, and I don't begrudge the girls anything. But to not even get a thank you or a kiss goodbye, I feel that's just adding insult to injury.

AIBU

Chalk it up to experience. You can't change it now. Next time don't go so big and don't spend so much. They want to spend time with you. Just have a nice chilled weekend at their house.

I stopped reading ....when he gave her the cash...

Fathers I know wouldn't spend time getting pissed and being grumpy about access to fags on days out. That stuff and making sure kids have a great day don't mix.
Lesson learned- you were not being Dad and uncle at the same time.

That's a lot of money to spend over a few days

I'd be annoyed too if I were you.

Ladies, and possibly gents (who have given constructive advice and criticism) thank you. I've sat on it, and have decided that I'm never doing it again.

I love my sister dearly, and I love my nieces dearly, but there does come a point where I can't physically afford to prop them up (I'm only talking the luxuries).

They are going to have to come to me.

Still, I am really upset on not getting a thank you or a hug. I took 3 days out of my life, rearranged plans, juggled work commitments so I could do the logistics as oppose to cutting hair, spent time mentally planning things (we were meant to actually split up from the start but that didn't happen).

What I ended up with was a steaming pile of mess, and I tried to make the best of a bad job.I didn't do very well, but I tried, and the only way I know how to make a bad situation better, is to throw cash at it to take the sting off how bad it is, and then pay the consequences later.

I'm not a parent (I wanted to be), I don't live anywhere near my family. When I go over to see them, it's 3 - 6 or sometimes 12 months after my last visit, so I do go a little OTT and try and bring small gifts to everyone.

To the person that says I sound self important and better than everyone else. Yes, I am. In my world, I am the most important person. If it wasn't for me looking out for myself, how do you think we'd have got from Manchester to Alton? Walked?

Or is it you were only being so critical of me because I'm male and don't have kids, but try to treat my nieces as I would my own?

What a mess.

Both adults in this sorry trip sound irresponsible drunkards.

Your sister drank a bottle of wine in half an hour??????

You sound like a caring uncle & I bet Bea would love a solo trip to Spain to visit you.

If you're the cool uncle, the one she looks up to, I think one of the best things you could do for her is tell her you're giving up smoking because of health, money & not wanting to stink. You might not be able to smell yourself or your sister but I bet the girls can.

Make sure she knows how tough giving up is and tell her that only a complete idiot (or whatever the appropriate word is) would start nowadays & you hope she's got more sense.

Haven't you ever been to a theme park? Theres no way you can feed 4 people on £20 at a theme park. £50 sounds about right.

Im wondering how good a time your nieces had if they had to watch you drinking and smoking all weekend. They weren't exactly the priority here were they?

I'm just confused why you were expecting you and your sister to go 50/50 on this but you only brought £200 when she had already spent £400. I wonder whether you misunderstood the maths - bringing £200 would only have worked if her £400 had covered everything and you were handing her the £200 to pay her back. Otherwise you needed £400, surely? And ending up paying £530 is close enough when you've set a pattern of partying and splashing the cash when you're together.

You definitely deserved a hug, though!

How are you propping them up?

How are you propping them up? You say you took 3 days out of your life you offered, nobody asked you to fly over and take them to Alton Towers.

I get that your upset that they never said thank you, yes that was wrong. No hug and/or kiss did you hug or kiss them?

You seem instant on making this into a big drama and honestly, I don't think it is.

i think there is a danger in you visiting them and bringing presents and spoiling them. it is a lovely gesture and you all get pleasure out of it but over time it becomes expected and is seen less as you being generous but more that they're entitled. there's also jealousy / resentment that you swan in as rich gruncle and treat them all in the way that they can't do for their own kids. i suspect that's where some of bil's mardiness comes from. they won't see that you aren't made of gold, because it certainly seems like you are when you visit.

it has all came to a head and now you're reasonably fucked off. they're probably also fucked off, but for different reasons.

i personally would scale back on the lavishness of your visits. just small presents, and one time, no presents at all. just reset those expectations. when you visit, let them pay for something for you when you go out, instead of automatically stepping in the treat them all.

try to balance things out a bit. do free things - go to the park. have cheap picnics where you bring sandwiches from home.

it will settle down to a more reasonable and equitable relationship.

The issue is, other than watching Nemo for the millionth time, a cant really do much with my nieces. The eldest one I can talk science (proper science) with, but the youngsters I'm stuck with Dora the effing Explorer.

I also try not to swear.

To the pp who suggested Uncle and teenage niece sharing one twin hotel room - nope. Not appropriate, regardless of either person's orientation.

OP "Yes, I am. In my world, I am the most important person. If it wasn't for me looking out for myself, how do you think we'd have got from Manchester to Alton? Walked?"

Being able to organise alternative routes or transportation is nothing to do with looking out for yourself or being the most important person in your world. It's called being an adult.

Before our dd came along, my dh was the most important person in my world, not me.

YANBU to expect a thank you.

YABU to 1. Not have given them a hug and a kiss first, 2. not have said jokingly at the time "don't I get a thank you", 3. To have broken down crying to your Mum about it and 4. Not to just get over it and resolve to be better organised next time. You CHOSE to take 3 days out of your life and splash cash on booze. You also enabled your freeloading sister by buying groceries etc when she has a DH who could have done that. Little point in being a martyr then complaining about it afterwards.

i get you want high octane fun. that just costs a lot. and personally i think it's easier to take them out than entertain them at home.

i would get a game or risk or monopoly or some other board game and give it a try. low key fun is very underrated imo.

Well yeah, that's kind of the deal with younger kids. That's how you develop relationships with them. You can't expect to ignore them throughout childhood then automatically have a close relationship at the point at which you deem them interesting.

But how is the sister a freeloader? She paid £400 for a trip that OP wanted to 'treat' them to. As I've said previously all in all the sister 'owes' £65 to make the whole trip 50/50.

@StyleCommander You have had quite the kicking. The whole thing sounds badly thought-out tbh. Near-on a grand for a weekend to a theme park is ridiculous, however you divvy up the costs.

Aside from that all, this sentence stood out - a bank that is threatening to shut my account down.

If this weekend has resulted in that sort of action, it sounds like you are in a bigger financial mess than just what you think your sister owes you back. I would suggest you get your finances on track as a priority, over spending hundreds of pounds on this sort of thing.

Best of luck.

I'm not a parent, I'm not trying to be the Uncle of the Year. I want to give my eldest niece a good time because she's been sidelined since her younger sisters came along

Hardly sidelined, it is normal to have younger siblings. I ma sure your sister is doing her best.

Am I honestly that bad an uncle that I want exclusive time with my god daughter?

Hardly, you also agreed to take the rest of her family. Why not just her?

I'm trying to fill two roles here. Father (BIL's too big to get on rides) and Uncle.

Oh please, suddenly she needs you to be her father as well as her 'guncle' just because her dad is overweight.

You clearly love drama and I don't blame the bil at all for dropping out of this trip, I have a funny feeling work seemed a lot more appealing that a roadtrip with 'guncle of the year'. Crying to your mum because your sister did not say thanks? Unbelievable! Your mum should have told you to wind your neck in and reminded you how irresponsible it was to be drinking and smoking so much around the children, especially when you were short of cash. This whole thing is bizarre.

I think the idea was great, but think you've underestimated the cost of 2 days for 4 people at a UK theme park. The costs are outrageous and further enhanced by the fact there were additional costs to get you there. That should have been split by you and your sister, not just you. Also you shouldn't have had to pay for the milk juice bread either.
Do they have less cash than you? Do they normally allow you to pay for everything when you visit?
I don't blame you for feeling hard done by, as you were milked from the minute you stepped off the plane.
I do feel your sister is the one to be annoyed at, rather than your BIL though. She sounds disorganised and very happy to spend your cash. If it was her money being spent on the day I'm sure it would have been picnics and cheap drinks.

When your BIL didn't take you you shouldn't have paid for everyones train bus and taxi fairs. That was your error'.

And your food budget was ridiculous, 20 quid for 4 at a theme park? Only if you only planned on eating crisps....

Hold on a minute, you said it was supposed to be 50/50, right?

Those saying about the cash. My sister paid £400 which we agreed on. I spent over £500 to make the weekend gel. How is my money suddenly not good enough?

So she paid 400 and you paid 530, and most of that extra 130 quid was probably your own fags and booze. I really can't see what your issue is here at all. You're going on as if you spent a fortune on them.

I think it's appalling that they didn't bother to thank you. You sound like a great Gunckle and I bet they appreciated the trip, even though they didn't thank you.

I wonder if you spoil them a little too much so that they've come to expect money to be no object when you come to visit, and therefore are less grateful than they should be?

Invite the eldest to come across to you for a few days in the summer hols. She'll love it and it will give you a chance to bond.

Quite possibly the longest and dullest thread I've ever read. Grow some balls.