AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

[Supermagicsmile]

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me .

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree.
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

People seem to be overlooking the fact though that this is only facebook we're talking about. The fact that the OP is even friends with her on facebook shows that they clearly have an amicable relationship But the instant you start getting upset over that which is written on facebook is the instant you probably need to step away from the internet.

Talk of how this woman isn't bringing up the daughter but if it was a stepdad it would be different is bloody insulting to the SM who has entered into a relationship with a man with a child, has loved her as her own despite the fact she now has a child of her own who in many people's eyes should come first and is even prepared to look after her when the biological father isn't there. If this was a male partner people would be saying that as he lives there then this should just be the accepted norm. Nobody talks about how men are overstepping boundaries by taking on children from previous relationships, and if you look at the step parenting boards they are full of women who are resentful of the step children who get in the way of their own family, resentful of the ex's who dare to still want to be a part of their children's lives, and the ones who are stuck in the middle are the children who didn't want any of this in the first place but are forced by their parents to accept step parents, step siblings, half siblings etc whether that's what they want or not. And then when a woman embraces the role and loves a small child (and three is a young age to take on a step parenting role to a child where there is still a lot of care involved) she is slated for getting too close.

I'd leave it op.
I've seen so many threads on here of very difficult step parents (and bio parents) being cruel to children. Leaving them out, not spending time or money on them etc. It genuinely looks like she is fond of your daughter.

I've also read so many threads about facebook pissing people off. I think if you are going to read it be prepared to ignore it. It seems to rile everyone up at some point.

I think the important thing is how your DD feels about this. I have read so many posts on here of step parents push the step kids away. This lady seems to consider your DD as part of her family ( which she is ) You will always be her mum . I get it is tough but far easier than dealing with someone who doesn't want your DD and now she has her own child pushing yours out.

If you don't want to give away your time to step mum then don't. The comments ask DD what she wants are odd..7 year olds do not decide access because they are not their decisions to make.

I also cannot wonder how you reached the point of been FB friends. I would get her , him off your fb..It is not healthy for you.

I think she loves your daughter and is trying her best to make her not feel pushed out by the new baby. It can be a very hard time for children when a new baby comes into a blended family. As hard as it might be for you your daughters needs should come first. Doing anything to back the stepmother off will not help your daughter. In reality your daughter now has two families one of which. You aren't a part of. Unfriend on Facebook if you need to. Deny the weekday additional access too if you want. But the stepmother is just trying to bond the half siblings together and that's no bad thing.

FWIW I'm a stepmother and I am a stepchild. My experience as a stepchild informs how I act as a stepmother. When people ask how many children I have I always say 4 because there are 4 children in our family. 2 of those are my stepchildren and I will clarify that later if it's appropriate. But we are a family. And they are my children - they are my stepchildren. I don't do it to be possessive. I do it so they feel secure and loved. I don't want them to feel less than my own two. I've bent over backwards to facilitate the bond between the four of them because ultimately we will be gone and they will be left with one another.

I would not like this at all either. YANBU.

Extra contact when the Dad is not there is out of the question. It is good she likes your daughter, but she has to respect boundaries.

I would be having a word. I would be nice but firm.

I've been a step parent for ten years, nearly their whole lives. They live with me and their dad. I might call them my boys, but I don't call them my sons, because they're not.

Their biological mum kept up a facade on social media. Whenever I posted anything about the kids, holiday photos or statuses or whatever, she had to comment about them being her kids and bla bla. In the end I had a lot of friends telling me how odd it was that she was doing it so I removed her from Facebook

Basically she was very insecure and so tried to keep up the pretence of being a perfect mum - but she wasn't. The only people who thought she was a decent parent were people she only spoke to through social media. She's a really bad mum on any objective view and anyone that knows her IRL forms the same view!

Obviously I'm not saying you're a bad mum (at all!), but I do wonder if you are insecure about your DD and her SM and that's why it bothers you? If my DDs SM called her DD, Id find it odd but I wouldn't kick off about it, DD knows who her parents are

I think YABU really.

Its really difficult being a step-parent you cant do right for doing wrong. She has taken your DD into her life so that its as easy and stress free as possible for your Daughter. She considers your DD to be part of her own family and its bloody annoying saying 'Step-Daughter' all the time

I call my Step-son my son because I love him like my own. Ive been in his life since he was born, Ive looked after him, fed him, taken him to buy presents for his Mums birthday and Christmas as well as his other siblings. I was always very careful initially only to ever say 'Step-Son' in case it upset him Mum and one day he asked me why I call him my 'Step-Son' and not just 'Son', is it because I don't love him the same as my Daughter? He felt I was always making a point of telling everyone he is different in some way to my other children. He felt completely heartbroken that singling him out to have that distinction between being my natural child and being my step-child made him think I may not love him the same. Since this point Ive always said he is and always will be my 'Son'. There is no difference in what I feel for him someone else gave birth to him that's the only difference.

It's weird and I wouldn't be happy either. Do people not call her out on it? We have a friend who got divorced and met someone else ,they've been together 5 minutes and the woman refers to his DC as her son and daughter. When she said it on front of me I was pretty shocked I must say.

Speaking as a step daughter try and be glad that she is fully part of the family when she is in both homes. I was very much the step child, had no stuff there and was bored stupid most of the time but couldn't put the tv on as it was sneered at. This is despite my sibling and step sibling being glued to the screens in their room.

Hi OP, I can see how it would be hard but I'd try to be glad that your dd is loved. I was a step-child and my step -father was jealous and resentful of the time and attention my dm gave us. He wasn't bothered about letting us know either.

When my exdh got a new partner I was terrified of the possibility that my ds's would be emotionally rejected by her, thus damaging the relationship they had with their df. Fortunately she is absolutely lovely and looks after them more than exdh does. I don't know if she refers to them as her dc, but if she did I'd be happy and thankful that she cares about them. In fact I'd be upset if she didn't think of them as her family. DS1 said upon being asked how he felt about potentially having step-parents, "it would be good, Mummy. It would be more people to love!". He has such an unjaded view of the world and it showed me a completely different way of viewing the situation. It actually made me well up it was so lovely.

Obviously I'd feel differently if she saw me as a rival and was possessive of them. Fortunately we get on well and she's never disrespectful of me as their dm.

OdinsLoveChild that's lovely.
OP, I really hope you've got something positive from this thread. People often have strong opinions on step matters, sometimes based on their own experience as step-child, step-parent, parent or none of the above. I hope the response hasn't been too overwhelming.

Most threads on here regarding step families criticise the step mum for not treating all the children involved in exactly the same way. Yes, it may grate to see "my daughter" written down, but it would be much clumsier to write "my fiancee's daughter with another woman" whenever she wanted to praise her and share her achievements. Your daughter has a strong family surrounding her and that is far more important than how people refer to each other.

Of course it's hard knowing that if you split with a child's other parent then there's a likelihood that that child will have some parenting input from another party i.e. Another woman in this instance, or even another man if a stepfather moves into the equation. I know for instance that my eXH found it difficult when I got together with my now DP, but the way he dealt with it was to tell me that I had to introduce DS to him straightaway or he would tel him. The reason he did so was because he thought that my DS would hate that I had a new partner and he knew that if DS had rejected him then I would have ended the relationship at that point. Except my DS didn't reject him and eXH found it harder when DS went back there talking about my DP etc.

Similarly though I wasn't sure about a new woman coming into DS' life but when I first met her I actually liked her and felt much better knowing that I could send DS off on holiday with them and know that he'd be alright. Except that that's not exactly how it's panned out because DS doesn't like her and for some reason she dislikes me. And even though she is now mother to DS' sibling there is never going to be that harmonious relationship between any of us/them because that's not how it's worked out.

And for anyone who thinks that putting one's foot down to achieve the same result would be beneficial, ask yourselves who that would actually benefit? Is it of benefit to the child to tell someone how they can and should relate to them? No of course it isn't. And anyone who told me what to put on Facebook I would just either remove anyway or set my statuses to exclude them. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from bitterness and upset over facebook posts. And wrt the extra afternoon, it surely all depends on how it was worded, but if it wasn't worded in an objectionable way then it's easy to just say no without taking offence.

But there's nothing wrong with a child spending time with a step parent and especially not with a sibling when the biological parent isn't present. Bear in mind that the sibling is related to the daughter so it's not as if she's going to be spending time in the care of strangers.

There wasn't an OW when my parents separated, but there was a woman who my Dad flatshared with and I absolutely adored her. My DM wasn't able to hide her hurt or jealousy from me and at 8 years old I felt such guilt and shame that I was excited to not only see my Dad but also this woman. Twenty years later and these are still acute issues going on with my relationship with both my parents.

I understand OP. My dd has a stepmother.
BUT.. you are making this all about YOU and that is wrong. This isn't about you and your feelings. It's about your child and the effort her stepmother is going to to ensure she feels loved and welcomed in her 'other' home. Don't bring your issues into this.
My dd actually does spend time with her stepmother when her dad isn't around. They hang out and she enjoys it. In fact, she likes her more than her dad and would be less likely to go there if it wasn't for his partner. She's not close to her dad, no hard feelings and he's not a bad person. My children adore me. I am mum and nothing will change that. It took a bit but I had to suck it up and realise that it was to my childrens benefit that I accept and encourage the independent relationship she has with someone that loves her and wants to spend time with her

if you look at the step parenting boards they are full of women who are resentful of the step children who get in the way of their own family, resentful of the ex's who dare to still want to be a part of their children's lives

As a stepparent and frequenter of the step parenting boards, can I just say it is really hurtful to read generalisations like this. Of course there are some posters like this, but to say that board is "full" of women who resent their stepchildren and resent exes for wanting to be in their children's lives is not fair and gets backs up.

IT is overstepping the mark, I would feel uncomfortable about it. I don't think yiur ex woukd nd happy if your partner did that!

I wish my DS had a SM who thought of him as part of the family, treated him as such and even called him her son when referring to him and her 2 younger children. Sadly she doesnt see him as such despite knowing him and being in his life for 13 of his 17 years.
he only refers to her by name or "dad's wife" when he has to, and has struggled with not being part of their family. He calls her children his brothers and loves them dearly but she has successfully driven a wedge between herself and my DS and has been happy in the past to tell him he is not her son and has made it plain that he is only visiting because his dad lives there.
I must admit if she was calling him her son in the first few weeks then I would be miffed but after years in his life and marriage to his dad, if she were to see him as her son I would be pleased he was loved and accepted.
In comparison my DW has known my DS for 10 years but only been in a relationship with me for 3 of those years and married to me for a couple of months. My DS calls her by name but regularly tells anyone who asks that she is the same as a mum, not his real mum but she is still his mum because she acts like one, sticks up for him, helps him, loves him and is his family.

If you had younger children that were only half siblings to your DD how would you feel if you were told they weren't "proper" siblings... It is good for DD that her step mum wants the DC to have a close bond, they will be there for each other for life if they have a good and loving relationship.

This is very tough on you, perhaps block on social media so you don't have to see those things because you find it upsetting.

Although I totally understand why it's hard for you to see or hear her refer to your DD as her daughter, I think it's actually really lovely for your DD to have that kind of relationship with her SM.

I would put a stop to it if a) DD was much younger and likely to be confused about who her mother actually is, or b) SM is using it to erase you from DD's life.

Other than that, I would be a little worried about the additional days thing, but you can say no to that. If the Facebook thing is a problem, ask her to stop mentioning DD on social media (quote the 'right to be forgotten' if you need a reason).

Agree with pp that it's great that your dd's step mum is a nice person and kind and wants to include her.
Why does she have to broadcast it via Facebook in such an insensitive way though? Surely she must be aware that thats pretty hurtful to the girls mum? It's obviously going to be sensitive and a minutes thought should tell her that. It's not just inherent on the op to make sure the adult relationships here are managed well-the step mum also has equal responsibility I would have thought?
My dd's have a close relationship with my best friend and spend time with her...she finds it quite easy to post on Facebook using their names rather than anything else-the same here applies.
So yes a calm and reasonable chat saying you are happy she is in dd's life but that it really hurts you when she is publicly referred to as her daughter...

With re giving up some more of your own time with her so her step mum can spend It with her....I can't understand why anyone would actually do this.I love spending time with my kids-and the time I get with them is precious to me and hopefully to them. I work, and they are at their dads 3 nights a week, mine the rest of the time-I don't get enough time with them as it is-I wouldn't be giving any more of it up for a step parent-not even their biological parent- to have them instead of me.Why is it more important that a step parent spend time with them, when Their mum could be and wants to be? You don't even need to give more explanation than that really.great that the step mum is nice, but she doesn't take precedence in terms of time spent with the kids over you imo.

I have a step son and my own daughter.

My step son I would never refer to as my son and if he calls me mum I explain I'm step mum or to call me by my name.

Me and dh refer to them collectively as the kids eg let's take the kids out. If talking about just my step son I name him.

I think asking to spend extra time your dd is eiddgreat as long as it doesn't mean you don't get enough time. When dh worked weekends I would ask for the occasional day with my step son so we didn't miss out.

You get one mother. Just not true, and a bit disrespectful of the diversity of families to insist on this. My dd has three mothers - two who are actively raising her - and I can't think it would help her for us to start haggling over who is the 'true' mum or who deserves the Sacred Honorific of Mum.

It wouldn't bother me. If my exH found a new partner who loved my child and wanted to be around her and include her as a true part of her family and not as a nuisance I'd be so so happy.

This woman is embrassing your daughter wholeheartedly as part of her life and making her feel loved and included and making her feel like a 'daughter' in the family and not as an outsider. I think thats priceless to be honest and amazing for your dd to have so many people who love and care about her.

This woman knows your dd is not HER dd by birth. But she is her dd as part of her family. You need to think about that before you start rocking the boat and could end up making your dd, and everyone really, feel uncomfortable.