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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not be able to get over DH'S fussy eating?

381 replies

wowl · 20/06/2017 19:49

I'm prepared to be told I am, but I'm just at the point of being beyond frustrated and into very angry. I'm probably being ridiculous so this is a bit lighthearted but I am frustrated.

I don't remember him being this bad when we got together. I really don't. I'm an adventurous person but not even that adventurous an eater, the food I like is perfectly normal. I used to bend to what he liked and cook things he'd eat (SAHM of a toddler) but now we live with another family member who also likes what I like so the fact he won't eat it is really being rubbed in my face now.

Meals he will eat:

  • beef burgers with chips (picks the salad out if at a restaurant)
  • margarita pizza
  • chicken nuggets or breaded chicken breast and chips
  • toad in the hole
  • sausages in a baguette or with mash and peas
  • fish and chips
  • tikka masala
  • lasagna if pushed
  • cheese sandwiches

...that's pretty much it. Made non-spicy fajitas tonight and he's picked over one for 45 minutes Hmm

I just feel like I'm living with 2 children instead of one, and I find it a massive turn off. It's driving me mad at the moment, so AIBU to be really annoyed by this? He says he "tries new things" but that means taking one bite and making faces. I can't take it anymore!

OP posts:
Yesyesyesyeswhatever · 21/06/2017 20:45

Oh, good for them! Perhaps it was more psychological than sensory in that case. But it is pure speculation. Some people are more suggestible and fall deeper in hypnosis, some don't fall deeper enough. I found I didn't when a colleague gave me a free session for anxiety I had at the time, surrounding work, so it didn't really work. Was nice and relaxing, though!

woollychimp · 21/06/2017 20:50

there was a thread like this before and one poster had a v fussy DH.

She made her and her Dc's meals and her DH made his own. She never commented on his choice of food or tried to make him try new things - it was her way of dealing with it.

DrCoconut · 21/06/2017 20:58

When I was 17 I went out with a lad who ate toast, cheese or bacon sandwiches, sausages, chips, instant mash, baked beans and boiled sweets. He would drink tea or fizzy pop. That was it. What a nightmare when he came for dinner with my foodie family.

IamAporcupine · 21/06/2017 23:14

I really do not understand the reactions on this thread. Is the OP still around? I mean, why is almost everyone getting so annoyed at someone else's choice of food and demanding he changes? I do not think even the OP was that annoyed!

As I said earlier, my DH is a bit like this. Is it frustrating? Of course it is. Embarrassing sometimes? Yep. Would I prefer he was a bit more 'normal'? Yep. but it is hardly a moral failing as some people seem to make it look here!

Having had an ED myself I know how anxiety inducing food can be. Why is this so difficult to understand? Why are 'fussy' eaters given such a hard time? You would not tell a person with social anxiety to grow up and get over it.

I am truly curious to understand why it generates such a strong reaction, even when it is not affecting you. Some people complain about 'fussy eaters' being attention seekers but in my experience it is actually the other way around. It is always someone else drawing attention to what the fussy eater is/is not eating and questioning it.

Someone up thread said:
I confess I find fussy eaters irritating but I suspect that is my issue as much as theirs.

PayingMyWayYouSay · 21/06/2017 23:20

Iam I completely agree.

I started a similar thread years ago, questioning people's angst like you have.

Most of the replies were that it wasn't a social norm and people can't really 'discuss' food choice in a restraunt with you and ask is it nice etc when you make a boring choice, apparently Confused

Basically, people like to make things about them when it isn't even impacting them at all really

IamAporcupine · 21/06/2017 23:29

PayingMyWayYouSay I think I must have read your old thread today, or one similar!
Many replies were along the lines of 'it makes me uncomfortable' Confused

EastMidsMummy · 21/06/2017 23:29

Being a fussy eater is like only ever wearing jeans and a T-shirt or always going on holiday to the same place.

It's not hurting anyone. It's not intrinsically wrong. But it's odd and unusual and can start to restrict your friends' and relations' lives if you insist on only eating out in the same boring places and can never share a normal variety of food.

I think getting your kids to enjoy a wid variety of food is one of your greatest social responsibilities as a parent.

LilyMcClellan · 22/06/2017 00:00

I disagree that fussy eating doesn't impact partners and families "at all really". I have a partner who has a number of food dislikes. I try to cater to him, because I am not an asshole, but it does affect me and our children.

I am the one responsible for meal-planning in our household (god knows I have tried to get OH to participate, but he won't), and do the majority of the cooking. We have small kids, so we need to eat earlyish, before their bedtime. This means I have to cook weeknights, as OH only just arrives home in time for dinner.

I think it's important to eat as a family, so I accommodate OH's tastes. This means there are a lot of foods that I enjoy and that I would like the kids to be able to eat that we can't eat as a family. To be specific, before I met OH, I would eat dinners including foods that he won't eat 3-4 times a week. So it has been a significant compromise for me. The kids also miss out on experiencing these foods, as they're not really foods that it's practical to make for breakfast or lunch.

If, say, I decided to choose to cook those foods a couple of times a week, and let OH fend for himself, in practice that would mean that instead of sitting down to dinner with us, he would be in the kitchen cooking himself something else. When it's time for the kids' bedtime, he'll be eating dinner, so I'll be doing those bedtimes and the kids will barely see him on those days. It breaks down family time, which some people don't care about, but I do. Dinnertime is basically the only time the kids see OH five days a week.

If we go out to dinner (rarely), there's no point going to the increasingly-popular 'tapas-style' restaurants, as the things I will want to eat (ie the foods he won't eat at home, which I rarely get to eat) won't be acceptable for him to share.

As others have mentioned, dinners at family or friends' houses requires a discussion "Will OH eat this? How about that? What will he eat then?" Embarrassingly, he's even refused offers of a serving of something he doesn't like with "No, I find disgusting", when it's a dish that the person has put a lot of time and effort into, and can't see how this is in any way rude ("What? I'm just being honest!").

It's frustrating for me, as there's absolutely no give on his part. Any suggestion that he might even try something different that would expand the range of family meal possibilities is met with scowling and outright refusal even though, as I mentioned upthread, I know he's actually consumed those foods inadvertently at times without any issue.

Compared to some, my OH's tastes are not even "all that bad". I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for people like the OP.

IamAporcupine · 22/06/2017 00:15

LilyMcClellan I know how frustrating it can be, and I know that it does impact family members, but I doubt everyone in this thread is in that position.
Is the 'I wouldn't tolerate that' comments that I find puzzling

PayingMyWayYouSay · 22/06/2017 04:39

I have to say, I've become fussy recently and have no issues in restraunts

Most serve chips at least, and usually chicken nuggets too. It's no biggy Grin

YoureNotASausage · 22/06/2017 04:45

can't stand fussy eating. Food is a gift and should be respected and appreciated in all its forms and flavours. I can't ever remember turning down food anyone prepared for me. It's rude. I do always cater to whoever is coming but that's so I don't have to be disappointed in them when they turn their noses up at something. I prefer not to know.

MrsTrentReznor · 22/06/2017 06:23

We are living with family, outwardly I seem very fussy.
In reality I'm actually fairly adventurous with food. If I'm cooking, I'll experiment, bung in a bit of this, a bit of that. On holiday I'll eat anything.
I simply can't bring myself to eat the MIL food though. I struggle daily, because it is all so overcooked. All veg has the life boiled out of it, all the meat is tough and stringy. My fussiness has come about because I'm at the end of my tether. (Tried asking if we can cook our own meals, ignored...)
I can't imagine being a processed crap junkie though, and it sounds like that's what he is.
I'd let him sort himself out.
When not at PIL if DP doesn't like what I'm cooking, tough. There is no other option apart from buy himself a takeaway.

wowl · 22/06/2017 06:43

OP is still around! Just never had a thread this many people actually responded to and a bit worried I almost started a bunfight ShockGrin

It's not the act of fussiness in itself, though I think I would always struggle not to find it annoying even if I know that's unreasonable - it's the pulling faces, pushing it around the plate, the acting like a martyr for eating a single bite of a slice of red pepper or a single noodle that's driving me insane!

I'm 90% sure it's entirely from watching FiL, who can be served a plate of delicious home cooked food my MiL and poke at it until he finds fault with it (I often want to throttle him but that dynamic won't change now!). FiL will at least then eat it though Hmm

OP posts:
Mominatrix · 22/06/2017 07:13

YANBU. Fussy eating is a form of eating disorder (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) and is an official category in the DSM. I would imagine that it is frustrating for you, the cook, others at the table and even perhaps your DH. Has your husband sought CBT for his disorder?

Therealslimshady1 · 22/06/2017 07:38

I am always surprised at how little manners some food-fussers have

The face pulling, pushing plates away and saying things are "disgusting" are just rude and a slap in the face for whoever cooked the meal.

It does not matter if the root cause is an eating disorder.

Eating disorder does not mean you have to be rude.

MariafromMalmo · 22/06/2017 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeleteOrDecay · 22/06/2017 08:19

Because choosing to turn your nose up at something someone else has put the time and effort into preparing is obnoxious and controlling. Saying what has been prepared for you is "disgusting" is actually awful

Most of us don't act in this way though. In fact I've never known anyone to behave like that. Not saying there aren't people like that about, but they behave that way because they are rude individuals not because they have issues with food. Labelling us all as one entitled, rude, demanding, childish, pathetic (and any names I may have missed) homogeneous mass that isn't helpful.

Honestly most of us just want to be left alone. In my experience it's other people who draw attention to it. Some people are weirdly obsessed with what other people do or don't eat.

BarbarianMum · 22/06/2017 08:58

In our culture (actually most human cultures) the preparation and sharing of food and communal eating are of huge significance. Its how we celebrate, bond, show affection, honour people, show status - its pretty central to everything, really. So a rejection of this cultural norm is going to be noticed. Pretty naive to think it isn't or shouldn't matter.

MariafromMalmo · 22/06/2017 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KERALA1 · 22/06/2017 09:18

God am so bored of cooking everyday I would be insanely grateful if someone else cooked for me that I wouldn't care what it actually was.

Maria and barbarian put it well. No man is an island so you do impact on others

DeleteOrDecay · 22/06/2017 09:42

Don't you think the OP's husband is behaving like that?

Yes, I've already stated as such in previous posts. But the discussion has since moved on and most posters now are referring to fussy eating in general.

IamAporcupine · 22/06/2017 09:57

Pulling faces and saying food is disgusting is just rude. But I have actually seen the same attitude from my foodie friend when she sees what someone else prefers to eat, "eww how can you eat that?"

Highalert · 22/06/2017 10:12

I see far more rudeness from 'foodie' types sneering at anyone eating pot noodles.Grin

BandeauSally · 22/06/2017 10:25

Yep, evidence of it all over this thread! Grin

sadie9 · 22/06/2017 10:33

There is a lack of awareness here about 'picky' eaters. The OPs DH would eat other foods if he physically felt able to, but he doesn't. He is not doing it out of being unreasonable or trying to be a nuisance. However he shouldn't be moaning either about the choices offered be the person cooking. You need the accept it, it's the way it is, and just both fecking stop having a battle over it.
There is a kind of eating disorder which explains that the person actually finds the peculiar foods disgusting or distasteful. It's a kind of phobia type thing that develops in childhood and may persist. Usually a parent has show anxiety around food which comes out in one way or another in the child. Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant/restrictive_food_intake_disorder

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