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£100 a month of family money on himself.

129 replies

justkeepflying · 20/06/2017 12:04

Want to start off by saying we're not rich by any means we're comfortable in that we can afford food etc. My DH wants to buy a motorbike on finance.
He had one for many years before the DC and would like one again. I was under the impression he was going to save up and buy one. I heard him on the phone this morning saying he didn't want to pay more than £100 a month.
Now to me that's a massive amount of money. It will mean we'll be struggling a little and won't be able to afford luxuries, days out with the DC etc. To me this is selfish. Plus add on insurance, tax, bike gear, petrol etc. Still while having to run a car.

My wages pay for food, council tax and that's about it. I'm poor every month. My DH pays rent, all other bills and things. If I need money I ask and he'll give it me no problems but i suppose I'm feeling selfish in a way that I work and see nothing of my money and I don't get to treat myself to anything and I can't just go and get fiancé or a loan on something because I myself don't earn enough.

I can't remember the last time I treated myself to anything and I hate spending family money on myself.
Aibu to be annoyed about this?
I haven't approached it yet as I have a history of going off on one in the past and I don't want to do that this time.

It's 'his' money after all and it's not like we're starving hungry.
It does make me resentful though if i'm honest.

OP posts:

hellobonjour · 20/06/2017 12:07

It's a difficult one. It is his money ostensibly because he earns it and I don't hold the view that it automatically just becomes household income once it's earned.

That said, he is being selfish if by buying a bike it would alter your standard of living greatly. I'd be honest with him and tell him that.


PaperdollCartoon · 20/06/2017 12:09

If this £100 will really impact all your living standards it would be unreasonable of him to spent it on something just for him. It sounds like this isn't a £100 you can spare.


AntiGrinch · 20/06/2017 12:10

  • can you jointly afford this AND something regular and nice for you?

  • if not YANBU. If you can, sit down and sort this out.

AtHomeDadGlos · 20/06/2017 12:10

What a nonsense from bonjour.

Anything earned when you're married is communal income and should be spent in the best interests of the family. Now, that may well mean he gets his motorbike, but if your definition of being 'comfortable' financially is being able to afford food, then I'd suggest you don't have enough to buy a motorbike on a lease deal.


FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 20/06/2017 12:12

100 each month is quite a lot of money. Do you have a budget to know exactly the impact it will have? Before approaching it I would definitely want to have the facts and figures i.e It means we won't be able to take the DCs here etc, and that way you can come to an agreement on it together, whether it's the right thing to do. However, if he already spends 100 a month on X which is now going on bike, it's obviously not unreasonable.


HerBluebiro · 20/06/2017 12:12

Is it family money or his money?

Sounds like you have separate finances. Which is good for some families. My understanding is that this works best when you each have similar amounts left after paying family bills.

He seems to be viewing this bike as a family expense. Which, to be fair, is how I view our cars. Even though we have one each and one is mine one is dp's


Roomster101 · 20/06/2017 12:12

I think that in a marriage you should have equal amount of money to spend on non essential items or family bills. Therefore if you can't spend 100 on yourself each month then he shouldn't either. Spare money should be divided equally.


Kezi4 · 20/06/2017 12:13

Sit down together and work out a budget. If all you have left over after food and bills is £100, it'd be unreasonable for him to spend it all on a bike.


chumpchange · 20/06/2017 12:15

It is his money ostensibly because he earns it


I earn all the money for our family.

Does that mean it's actually MY money and if anyone wants anything they should be grateful to me? As it's really mine to spend on myself?


TinselTwins · 20/06/2017 12:17

YABU because you don't like spending money on yourself so you don't think he should either

Life is to be lived (once the essentials have been covered) and it sounds like he would support you if you wanted something for yourself, you just don't! that doesn't mean he has to be a martyr

A comprimise in my eyes would be to agree to the £100 a month - but put it in savings until he can buy the bike outright as it'll be cheaper overall and it'll mean less months with £100 going out. He gets his bike in the medium/long term, and you get less months when he's spending money on himself


Marylou2 · 20/06/2017 12:22

Is the motor bike to get to work on or do you have another vehicle? If it's just a hobby it would definitely be a no if it means a squeeze on the family finances. It seems madness to buy a bike on credit when you have limited income and are renting a home. He needs to get his priorities straight. Plus bikes are really dangerous but that's a whole other thread. Good luck with this OP YANBU.


araiwa · 20/06/2017 12:23

Isnt dh part of your family?


Hillarious · 20/06/2017 12:24

Agree with Tinsel on the saving front. At least for six months put £100 a month away to start saving and see what the impact is on the family financially.

As for Bonjour's approach to family finances . . . Shock I don't really have anything more to say.


K1092902 · 20/06/2017 12:24

I'm confused. Do you both have a car? Do you need both cars and a motorbike?

Can you 're think how you work out your finances? Work out what you need to pay out each month and pay it out of a joint account and what is left split 50/50. Say for example your joint income is £2000 and your mortgage, bills and food come to £1000- split the remaining £1000 and then have £500 a month to spend as you wish.

If you have one car that you both use then it's only fair you both pay for it in terms of tax and insurance and contribute the right amount towards fuel. For example, my car is the family car and I use it 90% of the time- but I still expect DH to pay his cost of insuring him and towards the road tax and petrol (he actually pays half the road tax and will put £25 of fuel in on pay day)


RandomMess · 20/06/2017 12:24

I'd say he needs to save £125 per month for a year to judge if you can really afford to buy one. However, it also sounds like there needs to be a bigger discussion about income and outgoings. Food costs etc are going up and it sounds like he needs to supplement the shared pot each month without you having to ask for it.


DubiousCredentials · 20/06/2017 12:28

I agree 100% with Roomster. Whatever dh and I earn goes in the "pot" for bills/food/savings, and the remainder is split 50/50. Always has been. And I am a SAHM at the moment.

Surely if spending £100 a month means no days out or treats for the dc then he must be able to see it's not really affordable?


justkeepflying · 20/06/2017 12:30

He has a car I don't drive at the moment as I didn't think I could afford the lessons. We were supposed to be saving to get my lessons done and they share the car but then the bike idea came to light.
I agree with PP that I think bikes are dangerous and it makes me anxious but I can't and won't let that stop him as that's my own issues and can't stop him doing things just because it worries me.

It's just the implications of entering into finance for however long it would be and if we can afford it without impacting family life and treats for dc.

OP posts:

onlyjustme · 20/06/2017 12:32

There are not many things I would ever buy on Finance and a motorbike is definitely one thing I would never get on finance.
Ex boss had a job chasing unpaid finance on bikes. Worst job ever, as he was often talking to widows or bereaved mothers...

That aspect aside, he should save for a bit first. Will it mean he can give up a car? (Doubtful!) What size bike? Would YOU be interested in riding it at all? (Alone, not as a pillion - another thing I won't do).
Wait until he can properly afford it. Tax, insurance, servicing, etc all adds up. Plus kit if he hasn't got any...


Oldraver · 20/06/2017 12:32

Do you know exactly how much money he earns, how much is spent and how much is left ? Coz it seems like he thinks you have a spare £100 while you think you are just about managing.

Yes you need to sit down, write out finances and point out to him you are struggling


TinselTwins · 20/06/2017 12:33

In that case YWNBU to say no to the bike until after the lessons are paid for.

I don't think you are unreasonable to say no indefinitely

hobbies/interests are important

Set up a standing order into a lesson/bike saving account - once you've passed the standing order continues and becomes his bike fund

YWNBU to say that you don't want it on finance so long as you commit to saving for it instead


hellobonjour · 20/06/2017 12:34


Imagine not agreeing with the mumsnet view! Heaven forbid! Grin


TinselTwins · 20/06/2017 12:35

I don't think you are unreasonable to say no indefinitely

double negatives fail!

I don't think you would be REASONABLE to say no indefinitely


Oldraver · 20/06/2017 12:36

Just seen your latest post about not driving. This should be a priority. You get a lesson a week, about £100 I reckon (I dont mind be corrected as it's a long time), you know as you do have the odd £100 spare.

Then he can think about a motorbike when you have passed your test. I think it's selfish of him to want the bike when you think you cant afford lessons. Just when do you think you will be able to afford them while he's spunking over an unecessary bike


rainbowpie · 20/06/2017 12:37 can't afford driving lessons but he can afford a motorbike? No.


BarbarianMum · 20/06/2017 12:37

Depends a bit on how much he spends on himself overall, compared to you/dc. So if you are spending £60/month on clothes, or a cut and colour, plus £40 on days out for the kids and he spends £5 a month on the barbers and hasn't bought new clothes since 2016 then maybe some redistrobution would be fair.

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