£100 a month of family money on himself.

[justkeepflying]

Want to start off by saying we're not rich by any means we're comfortable in that we can afford food etc. My DH wants to buy a motorbike on finance.
He had one for many years before the DC and would like one again. I was under the impression he was going to save up and buy one. I heard him on the phone this morning saying he didn't want to pay more than £100 a month.
Now to me that's a massive amount of money. It will mean we'll be struggling a little and won't be able to afford luxuries, days out with the DC etc. To me this is selfish. Plus add on insurance, tax, bike gear, petrol etc. Still while having to run a car.

My wages pay for food, council tax and that's about it. I'm poor every month. My DH pays rent, all other bills and things. If I need money I ask and he'll give it me no problems but i suppose I'm feeling selfish in a way that I work and see nothing of my money and I don't get to treat myself to anything and I can't just go and get fiancé or a loan on something because I myself don't earn enough.

I can't remember the last time I treated myself to anything and I hate spending family money on myself.
Aibu to be annoyed about this?
I haven't approached it yet as I have a history of going off on one in the past and I don't want to do that this time.

It's 'his' money after all and it's not like we're starving hungry.
It does make me resentful though if i'm honest.

A lot of helpful comments, I'm taking everything on board. To try and answer some questions.
I could of been more proactive with driving, DH is willing to take me out to learn, not sure how easy that would be but I'm willing to give it a go.

I don't know exactly what he earns a month, I have a rough idea. Same with DD's rough idea of what they are and how much they cost. Not because it's some big secret, he just deals with them. I will sit down with him and go through the finances with him and see. I'm pretty sure he's not rolling in it though, he leaves bank statements and pay checks lying around. There's no hiding anything.
His income changes weekly depending on what hours he does etc .

I appreciate all the comments as in the past I've let my emotions take control and haven't been rational until later when I've had time to think so this time I taking the correct approach.

Then let him get a side car for her, he's using her insecurity about spending money on herself as a weapon to abuse the position.

He's not just spending a 100 a month though is he, like the op said, it's all the other expenses that go with it, plus repairs etc.

It's the gift that will keep on giving

Oh and op martyrs die young lovely, get the equality back somehow 💐

Sounds like you're financially coasting OP

when you coast it can feel like you can't afford things which you could afford if you got on top of things properly.

Sit down and familiarise yourself with both your finances together

You need to know, sorry to add to the morbit posts but if anything happened to your OH would you even know which of his bills need paying? or where his money is/how to access it?

This is a good opportunity to have a re-assess, it may be that once you put everything on paper you might actually be able to afford both the lessons and the bike. You might be paying things you don't need to be paying or paying on a bad deal where you could make savings.

He doesn't sound any better than you at finances if stuff is 'lying around' and he's keen on finance agreements.

You both need to get on top of it all, maybe he doesn't know that you're comming up short with your bills?

Someone (who happened to be very successful at managing other peoples' investments as a profession!) once told me his golden rule was: never buy anything on finance which depreciates in value.

Mathematically, it just doesn't make sense to pay interest on something that is already depreciating in value.

So, houses (hopefully!) - yes, but cars - no.

Easier said than done, i know, and we've definitely got trapped in the 'two car loan' trap at one point in our lives. But now we pay cash for vehicles - they have to be second-hand and basic, but they're ours...

Different ways with finances work for different people.

We put everything we earn in and then both have the same amount transferred to our own accounts. Any extra money earned (i.e. DH overtime, exam paper marking I do) goes into savings.
Joint money pays for both of us to run our cars. I paid outright for my car and it is being paid back out of the joint account monthly. It comes out of a savings budget so doesn't impact on usual spending.

Budget, budget, budget.

If you are not talking about finances together and speared things like this, it is totally possible that he thinks you still have some spare money you are using for yourself just as he would e happy to use that spare money for himself.

You both need to think about budgeting to see of tits feasible as well as stopping thinking about his and her money.
Otherwise you can end up with one person having nothing and the other having some spare and not being worried at all. Not on.

Tbh a nice budget also he,ps to see where y U are spending money you don't really need to spend and where you can save some. It's a good exercise.

I reckon he's earning a shit ton more money than you know about.

maybe the "who pays what" made sense years ago and you've just continued with the same bills coming out of your respective accounts ever since, even though it means that you're not left with any spending money OP?

We've done that, just rolled things over and taken too long to check if it's still working

I'ld hazard a guess that if you're doing this with which bills come out of which account, you're probably also doing it with other areas of finance so you're probably not getting the best deals and are spending money you don't need to be?

Crikey , you really need to get more of a grip of the household finances . You also do not sound 'comfortable' if £100 leaves you short of cash . You need to sit down and have a long conversation and start sharing your money more fairly i.e. It all goes in one pot and you share out what is left after bills , and that includes sharing the spending on any children .

My attitude to this depends on WHY the OP earns less than DH. If she is working part-time with very young children, and they have both agreed that she should be part-time, then all money is family money as being a SAHM to pre-schoolers is a full-time job.

If the children are older and at school and OP just doesn't fancy working full-time, then they should pay proportionally to what each of them earn, and DH deserves more spending money as he works harder.

So if you are spending £60/month on clothes, or a cut and colour, plus £40 on days out for the kids and he spends £5 a month on the barbers and hasn't bought new clothes since 2016 then maybe some redistribution would be fair.

Money spent on days out for the kids should be seen as family money, not classed alongside a haircut once a month as her spends.

@expatinscotland are you really not allowed any hobbies or independent interests or pursuits once you have children? How dreadful. No wonder so many women ( and it does always seem to be predominantly women who spout this mantra about children to the exclusion of self) seem to lose all their personality and spark once they have children.

I would start any conversation about this with...

"DH, I've booked a course of driving lessons with an instructor, you'll need to transfer £xxx to my account so I can pay for them".

I drew up a budget with Dh recently which has been eye opening, from a frugal living blog.

Put total income at the top from various sources, list all regular expenses (including saving for breakdowns, holiday etc) - split into kids expenses, his and mine etc and work out how much money is left over each month.

The eye opening part was I spent a fortune each month on my hobby and he has no regular expenses - and he's miserable. It made me see how unfair things are and we've now agreed I need to lower my expenses and we need to try and get them roughly equal over the course of the year.

Your first lesson needs to be learnt from your DH's sense of entitlement. Be more willing to spend money on yourself sometimes, including something frivolous now and again just because it make you happy (don't allow yourself to feel any guilt).
You need to prioritise driving lessons next. The whole family will benefit and you will set your DC a great example in learning an essential skill of independence. Think ahead to if DH can't drive because of ill-health, too many beers, you and the DC want to go out but DH doesn't, you find yourself unexpectedly single.

"It will mean we'll be struggling a little "

Isn't that reason enough not to do it?

Maybe OP 'hates' spending money on herself because of the anxiety of financial instability because her DH controls the majority of the money, and she isn't a selfish prick who would buy things for herself and let her dc and partner go without . Yes adults should be allowed to have hobbies, even when you have children, but it shouldn't be at the expense of your dc not being able to have hobbies and days out of their own. When you chose to have children they come first and if you have to make sacrifices so be it, if you are willing for the dc to go without you are a shitty parent.

Even if there is a disparity in earnings you should both be contributing proportionally for basics like bills and things for the dc and have an equal amount of spends left for each of you each month. You need to sit down and set a budget, if he can afford to save and pay for the bike out of his portion of leftover spending money then fine, but if not he has to suck it up and wait until he can buy it in cash.

"Sounds like you have separate finances. Which is good for some families. My understanding is that this works best when you each have similar amounts left after paying family bills. He seems to be viewing this bike as a family expense. Which, to be fair, is how I view our cars. Even though we have one each and one is mine one is dp's"

Unless he is taking the children to school in a side car and replacing his car, that's not a family expense.

I don't see how the op is meant to be spending more on herself... she not spending money as she hasn't got it. They haven't got it. He can't afford a motorbike. They as a family can't afford mum and dad to be entirely selfish.

op I would insist that when the time comes he have to have enough insurance to cover you and your kids should he fuck up on his little midlife crisis.

"It will mean we'll be struggling a little "

Isn't that reason enough not to do it?

OP doesn't know they'll be struggling.

At the moment she's the only one struggling, "I'm poor every month" whilst having no clue what her DH actually earns and he seeming has a spare £100 a month not to mention the £50" it's going to cost him for leathers, a helmet, insurance, etc.

£500 for leathers, helmet, etc

Definitely no bike until you have learnt to drive. Selfish twunt.

I don't see how the op is meant to be spending more on herself... she not spending money as she hasn't got it. They haven't got it. He can't afford a motorbike. They as a family can't afford

I think it sounds like they don't really know and neither of them has a good overview of the family finances as a whole!

If the OP doesn't know what her OH has coming in, it may well be that he doesn't know that her essential outgoings wipe out her income.

I think there's just vagueness and heads in sand all round here rather than a controlling mean OH

There are hobbies available that don't involve making inessential, going to depreciate purchases on credit, that will cost upwards of £100 a month. Thus, this is not a should adults have hobbies thread.

It upsets me that he's happy to put himself first because this is what he wants. If I told him I really wasn't happy etc he wouldn't do it but then he would resent me I'm sure for not letting him do something he really wants.
I don't want to be the villain.
He's a great guy, really loving, great with the kids, helpful but selfish.
I literally can't afford to be selfish.
I work a job I hate at night for peanuts because I have to be there for kids during the day. As DH has the higher paying job. I fit my whole life around making it easier for others.
Well he'll get to relive his youth free on a motorbike he could come off and leave me a widow and the kids fatherless at any moment.
Sorry for venting. Having a sorry for myself moment, I'll snap out of it